Tag Archives: God

God & Spirituality, Suffering & Grief

Finding Peace in the COVID-19 Storm

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It feels stormy out there right?

Everything is so strange. In one moment our whole world has changed. A surreal season which we are struggling to understand. To catch up with or comprehend.

And as time goes on…

We all know people deeply affected by this world-wide tragedy. Those who got sick and recovered. Those who never did recover and so sadly lost their lives. NHS & care staff working on the frontlines dealing with new levels of stress, pressure and anxiety that those of us stuck at home can hardly fathom. Our day to day lives so completely transformed.

Will we ever return to the normality which was once known?

Can we truly find peace in this uncontrollable storm?

Our chaotic unpredictable universe is reminding us of how out of control our lives often seem. We have again recently all had to face our own mortality and brutally realise how fragile we truly are.

Is anything certain any more? What does the future hold for any of us?

It feels stormy out there for so many. But it also often feels stormy in here too – right? Within us, in our chaotic minds. In our homes, families, relationships and lives.

Chaos is not at its worst outside of us. It’s actually most dangerous when it takes over within us.

How can we find stillness in chaos? Is it even possible without escaping from, or numbing away, our anxious thoughts? Or in trying to escape or distract ourselves from the reality of the current major struggle in our world?

These are important questions. Ones that I have had to dig so much deeper into and wrestle with a lot over the past five years since I fell off a ladder in January 2015 and sustained a debilitating brain/ spinal injury that I still have today.

In that one moment my life suddenly rocketed out of my control. One day I shifted onto a new life path I was never meant to take. A place I had not planned for or envisioned to live or endure.

These current restrictions due to the Coronavirus lockdown are actually not so strange for me, because the past five years have kept me predominately at home anyway. And for many hours a day lying down to control debilitating brain and spinal pain and other symptoms which means I still spend an awful lot of time in bed or on the sofa.

So many times my life felt devastated, as the restrictions and debilitation overwhelmed me. I watched so many around me continue on with their ‘normal’ lives whilst mine remained somewhat ‘on hold’ and out of control.

…. until ‘one day’ I would hopefully get fully well.

Then things could return to ‘normal’ I could again shift back onto the path I should be on.

But I never did get well…
I never got to take back control…
My old ‘normality’ never came…

So I have had to learn how to live here. To find a haven of peace even when the storm rages. To let go of my need to try and take control of my, or others, destinies. To climb out of the box of ‘normal living’ to embrace new spaces found in the ‘abnormal’ reality here.

It’s not an easy journey.

I know that so well.

It’s painful! It’s full of grief.

But it’s full of wonder and profound new discoveries too.

The letting go of control.
Of embracing a new way of living.
Allowing old dreams to fade.
So that new ones can arise.

I have had to adapt, I have had to change so much so as to find a new way of life that can be lived in this place. To discover new hopes and dreams within all of the restrictions. Rather than constantly grieving the life I hoped to be living right now.

I have had to dig deeper. To find peace and stillness – even when life doesn’t look like how I imagined it before.

Through all of my wrestlings I have discovered a deeper peace that I know is always there to be found. If I will continue to ‘let go of the old’ and ‘embrace the new’. Settling in my heart that change must come and that life can still be lived in the midst of all the restrictions and pain.

I must look for the firm foundation amidst all of this shifting sand.

Where is this unchanging peace found?

In my experience there is only ONE true and reliable avenue to discovering lasting peace. A peace that is described and experienced as ‘passing all understanding’. It’s unfathomable because it is not based on your circumstances going well. It’s not reliant on a peaceful place being found. It’s not even discovered only when everything is quiet & still.

Because for me… true peace is not the ABSENCE of something. It’s not a place where there is no longer struggle, pain or discomfort. Instead my experience of peace is the PRESENCE of something far more beautiful.

To be exact – my peace is the PRESENCE of SOMEONE!

A person who is always there and will never leave me, because He forever lives with me. He constantly dwells within me. He is all around me and will never forsake me.

My peace is a person… yet He is also a supernatural force.

My peace is so gentle … and yet He is also known to roar.

My peace is abundantly loving… and yet He challenges me each day.

My peace upholds me… even when I can no longer feel Him there.

My peace is Jesus Christ.

The tangible stillness that guides my life’s ship through the storm.

A place where He is fully in control even when everything within me feels like a storm.

An indescribable presence, so still, so restful, so easy. Where the heavy burdens I have been carrying are lifted. And His gentle yoke of unconditional love and undeserved grace is left in its place.

He is the ONE who has won my heart with the beauty of His unending Love.

He is my ultimate calm.

So many people misunderstand my Saviour. But it doesn’t mean that He is not there. He is always standing patiently, glimmering in the shadows of our lives. Knocking at the door of our hearts. Willing us to let Him in. Desiring us to allow His Light to radiate into our dark places and shine through our broken pieces into our hurting world.

So that we can experience the supernatural power of His peaceful presence. An unimaginable Love that takes you over as He enters in. Awakening you by the grace that He plants within.

In His peaceful presence there is a realignment of His Spirit and your soul. You find that you become restored back to who you were always meant to be. You discover the purpose for which you were created. You finally discover what it really means to truly be ‘me’.

In His presence the striving will cease as His supernatural rest takes over as He does His own work in you. His peace descends as you cease resisting who He made you and who you were designed to be.

I wonder – do you know that peace yet? Have you experienced its stillness?

Do you feel it now?

I feel that peace. The deep calm of knowing Him and Him fully knowing me. It emanates through and from His Spirit who came to live within me the moment I fully surrendered. The time that I was born again into His family. The occasion that I was made fully new.

He is my peace.
My love, my life, my all.

Do you desire to feel deep peace today? Has anxiety taken you over and you long for even just a taste of peace again? For normality to be restored? To discover the joys of how life used to be. To go away somewhere, to retreat back to your favourite places of beauty & joy. To return to a life that was more ordered and controlled, when your plans were not put on indefinite hold.

Well He is here for you – if you will call out His name.

His name is Jesus.

Call to Him today.

He is always waiting, always willing and always longing for your call.

Jesus said, “”I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.””

– John‬ ‭16:33‬ The Bible ‭‬

We will have trouble in this life. Our broken world is full of it. If we can avoid it today – it will somehow reach us tomorrow. But Jesus transcends the trouble in our world. And with your permission that presence of peace can enter into your own personal chaos.

You simply have to…
Let go.
Surrender,
And dare to let Him in.

You cannot earn peace. You cannot muster up enough positivity to win it as your reward. You can only surrender to Him and allow Him to do His deep work within you. Until peace begins to take control of all that you say and do.

I assure you – once you start to taste and experience the glorious fruit of His peaceful presence, you will be ruined for anything else.

Because peace is not a place. It is not an absence. It is not even an escape.

Peace is a person.

Peace is a presence.

His name is Jesus.

And you can experience Him now.

IF you will surrender and let Him in!

“Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the gentle night to you.
Moon and stars pour their healing light on you.
Deep peace of Christ,
of Christ the Light of the world to you.
Deep peace of Christ to you.”

– A Gaelic Blessing
Spinal CSF Leak, Suffering & Grief

Five Years Ago: A Poetic Reflection of my Spinal CSF Leak Journey

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Five Years ago this week…

I fell from a small step ladder.
Five years ago this week – my life took a dramatically different turn.
Five years ago this week – I got sick and have never fully recovered.

Five whole years…

Of enduring
Of fighting
Of grieving
Of accepting

But also five whole years…

Of learning
Of growing
Of loving
Of living

One fall. One injury.

Changed so much.

My girls were just 7 & 10 the day I fell.
They were there watching me paint.
They saw it all happen.

The fall.

The getting up again.
The dusting myself down.
The continuing to paint.

The next 48 hours where their mum got more and more ill.
The constant medical, GP, A&E visits, followed by multiple hospital stays.
Seasons of me being stuck lying down flat for months on end.
Followed by the seasons (post epidural blood patches) of being upright all, or most of, the day.

They have seen it all!

The turmoil and struggle.
The wrestlings and pain.
Their mum so different.
Our lives forever changed.

Never to return to who she once was.

Lives dictated by multiple restrictions.
The never ending storm of tragic depictions.
We have had to learn how to ‘live here’ to ‘find life’ amidst all the challenges.
To find a way to live in, and through, the never-ending seasons of chaotic pain.

Sometimes life doesn’t look like we imagined it to…

We always believed I would get well!

In days…then weeks…then months…then years…

Surely I would get well again?
Surely I wasn’t such a bad case?
Surely ‘normality’ could and would be restored?
Surely the longed-for redemption would come?
Surely this, or that, treatment would work?
Surely time would bring the full healing that I need?

But ‘normality’ never came.
It remained elusive.
At times tantalisingly near.
But always on shifting horizons.
Never to fully appear.

The start of last year was another journey towards that goal.
Following a year of healing with a good trajectory. Feeling better, things improving.

Until that haunting plateau returned.

I again stubbornly kicked and pushed against it.
Determined – this time – to fully overcome.
As I tried to win the never ending bid for freedom…
I brutally whacked right into that figurative brick wall.
Running at full speed.
Determined to this time to make it fall.

It didn’t fall.

I did.

Shocked and dazed I crumpled into the mud – yet again…

Completely spent
Totally wrecked
Utterly broken

I dramatically relapsed in the Spring – physically and mentally.
I shouted and screamed internally – again.
I fell into the pitch blackness of total despair.
And I grieved like never before.

‘How am I supposed to keep living like this?
I cannot do this any more!’

Four and a half years of pain and struggle had taken their toll.
Four and a half years of fighting to be heard, and get well, had left its open wounds.

I had nothing left to fight with.

It was tough to come back from that figurative fall.

But we did find a way again.
In God we discovered a resilience that can only be found in Him.
His Words provided a way forward – an indescribable peace within.

There is always a way forward if we don’t give in.
There is always beauty to be found – even amongst the mess.
Always a light shining somewhere – even in dark places.
Always a deeper love to be discovered – even amidst intense pain.

IF we can keep following the light.
IF we can keep focusing on its radiating beauty.
IF we can allow ourselves to be guided into new horizons.

New mindsets.
Hidden joys.
Intense loves.

IF we choose to never give up…

Only then…

Can we find a new life.
Can we find a new depth of love.
Can we find new purpose.
Can we find pathways to new adventures.

If we will simply stay the course.

Who knows what tomorrow might bring?
Five years ago this week…

I fell off a small step ladder whilst painting.
Five years ago this week I tasted of the devastating debilitation of a spinal CSF leak.

I wouldn’t want to relive these past five years.
I wouldn’t want anyone else to experience those depths of struggle.
So I will fight and keep speaking out until our stories are heard.

Until change comes.

But I also know…

That I wouldn’t want to go back to who I was before that week either.
I am changed forever.
But the change is not all bad.

There has been something deeply beautiful about this impossible journey.

A profound way where excruciating pain teaches you what ‘living’ truly means.
A hard and winding path that brought many wonderful and inspiring people – whom I never would have known.
A wandering that has at times felt aimless – but has also led to glorious discoveries.
A stormy voyage that has shown me stunning new spiritual landscapes and revelations previously uncovered.

Five years ago this week I fell from a ladder.
Five years ago this week I got a life-destroying spinal fluid leak.
Five years have passed of leaking (& at times somewhat recovering).

But never getting fully well.

But regardless of the pain, the suffering, the seeming wrecking of so many many dreams.

I have lived.
I have loved.
I have learnt.
I have grown.
I have spoken out.
I have used my writing.

In the hope that one day things will be different.
Perhaps other families will be saved our pain.
Maybe one day someone’s similar journey will be easier.

Simply because,

I ran the relentless marathon first.
Refused to give up.
And told my never-ending story – despite all of it’s indescribable pain.

“I abandon my addiction to the certainty of life
And my need to know everything
This illusion cannot speak, it cannot walk with me at night
As I taste life’s fragility…
I can’t pretend to know
The beginning from the end
But there’s beauty in the life that’s given
We may bless or we may curse
Every twist and every turn
Will we learn to know the joy of living?”

(Looking For a Saviour – United Pursuits)

UPDATE: Please note that in August 2020 I was also diagnosed with arachnoiditis as well as a spinal CSF Leak – I now have radiological evidence to support both those diagnosis. To read more about the new diagnosis please see this link.

Here is my new summary video of my whole medical journey as well as footage of my January/ February 2021 adhesive arachnoiditis relapse/ flare and treatment with IV Steroids. To see my daily video diaries from this time please see my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9ZkCy9B_IpeaGrXd0CEgow

For more posts about my story of living with a spinal CSF Leak please look at the subject heading on the menu bar above.

Here is a brilliant 2 min animation about Spinal CSF leaks.

For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org.

Please see this  May 2018 medical paper about the 10 most common myths and misperceptions about spinal CSF leaks. It is by some of the top world experts in treating this condition. I was told so many of these myths by various neurologists, anaesthetists, radiologists and many other doctors during my lengthy and traumatic 5 year battle with a spinal CSF leak. This kind of misinformation caused many delays, misunderstanding and great distress on my already immensely long winded and difficult medical journey.

Identity, Mental Health, Perspective

What is My Purpose? Do Small things with Great Love

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“Do ordinary things with extraordinary love.”

Mother Teresa

A few months ago, I was again immersed in the intense and dark storm of a traumatic spinal CSF leak symptom relapse – which also triggered the major mental health crisis I wrote about here. Part of my turmoil included the sense of feeling completely worthless.

Being perpetually stuck in bed with very distressing neurological symptoms often means you feel like your life has so little worth, value or purpose. Especially when you see most other people around you getting on with their seemingly important, full and valuable lives.

Feeling ‘purposeless’ amidst suffering and chronic pain really negatively impacts your mental health. Because when you feel like your life has no purpose, you simply feel burdensome to those having to care for you, and to the world in general.

In that crushing darkness I was immersed in, I just couldn’t see how my life could bless and help others. I just felt like I was, and would always be, a negative influence and drain on others. I even felt like deleting this whole blog, and my all of my public writing, because I decided that stories without happy endings are just depressing. If I cannot offer hope to those suffering then my writing may just discourage those already unwell and spread negativity rather than positivity. I thought to myself: what’s the point of me telling my sad story when the world is just full of sad stories?

In the end, I compromised and managed to just privatise this blog for a few weeks – until my perspective began to get a bit more healthy and balanced again.

However, as time went on – and the sun slowly began to break through the dark clouds – I realised that my mind had again got lost in the LIE often peddled in this world that ….

What you DO is far more important than who you ARE!

The lie that subtly tells us each day that if I can’t actually DO anything then my life is surely worthless?! I am just a chronically (and at times mentally ill) ‘insignificant nobody’ who is struggling to find the energy to live and breath, let alone have the energy or capacity to make a difference in the lives of my immediate loved ones – or the world in general.

“Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you. Don’t waste your pain; use it to help others.”

Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

Why do we so often fall for that ageless deception – that we only truly ARE what we DO?!

“What do you do?” everyone asks you when you first meet. “What do you do?” the doctors ask when they first see you – as if knowing such things means that they can now interpret your ‘medical story’ through the bias of what title the world has given you.

Those few ‘what do you do’ words often unknowingly heap shame on those of us in Western society now unable to DO as we used to.

The fact that we don’t, or can no longer, wear societies ‘badges of honour’ (its job and career titles) – perhaps because of immensely difficult seasons of debilitating illness or disability or other challenging seasons in our life – suddenly means that we become insignificant second rate citizens of the world.

When I get lost in such lies, it cripples me. Shame consumes me. I lose track of my identity. I feel completely lost and not sure where to anchor myself so as to move forward.

But as my perspective begins to improve one of the first things I begin to SEE is that I have again got deceived into believing a lie.

Slowly I can SEE again that I instead need to connect with the deeper truth of this universe, that is…

I am not what I DO!

I am still Becky Hill – whether I can be busy DOing a certain job or task, or if I can only lie in bed and look for ways to find purpose in the midst of all my pain and restrictions.

It was at that time and in that place of deep wrestling that one day I was sharing what I like to describe as a ‘Psalms type prayer of lament’ to God. I was crying out to Him, overwhelmed by the feeling that I didn’t have a purpose anymore. I was just so restricted by my physical condition that I was questioning what the point of me being alive was. If my life is simply about existing and enduring the pain, then is it really worth living??

And in that moment I felt God reply to me so clearly through the peaceful gentle whisper of His Spirit to mine…

“Precious child – your purpose is to daily ask yourself, “who can I show LOVE to today?”

It immediately EXPLODED in my heart!

It was so simple – yet the revelation so profound…

God wanted me to get the focus off of me and ask Him for creative ideas to show love to others – DESPITE my pain and limitations. He was telling me that even though, at that point, I was stuck in bed most of the day … I could still choose to love others from that place.

Those words from God that day resonated with and reminded me more deeply of the truth I already knew and lived by – that LOVE is only love when it is given and offered sacrificially. In the same way Jesus gave His life to love mankind by dying for our brokenness, we also need to be inspired by his example – by daily looking for ways to love others sacrificially too.

However, the key thing God continued to show me in that moment which has powerfully stayed with me ever since… is that the acts of love didn’t have to be BIG things. I just had to love as much as I could through the small things I could do. It was at this point the sign in the photo that we have hanging in our hall became a deeper revelation which has become my fundamental purpose for living…

DO SMALL THINGS WITH GREAT LOVE!

It’s so very simple and yet so deeply profound.

DO ORDINARY THINGS WITH EXTRAORDINARY LOVE!

It doesn’t matter how small or how ordinary what you have to offer is.

What matters is the amount of love you offer it with.

So …

It doesn’t actually really matter how BIG or extraordinary your job title is! What matters is how much love you do all the small and ordinary things in that job and the rest of your life with.

In that way the standard is equalised for all.

Our purpose is always the same.

No one has a more significant purpose than others.

So if today I can only hang some washing on the line, send a couple of empathetic messages to other people struggling and order some shopping for my family online – I can do it all with as much love as I can. I can serve others with a sacrificial heart. Which means the pain invested in the small things causes the love shown to be even greater.

So those words “who can I show love to today” have become the habitual daily question of my heart. Those few words – “do small things with great love” – have helped me immensely in walking through what seemed like an impossible time I couldn’t endure.

When I would wake up in the morning on those days and the dark reality of the struggle ahead would hit me like a ton of bricks, I would try to accept where I was – grieve my limitations – and then change my focus to ask God – ‘please show me who I can love with small acts of love and kindness today.’ In that place I tried to be mindful of others who were finding life challenging and think of how I could encourage them. I would look for very small jobs that I could do at home and try and pour my love for my family out through them. If I was shopping online – or later could go to the shops – I would try and think of who I could buy a special gift or card for.

And slowly…but surely…that sense of PURPOSE – EVEN AMIDST PAIN – was restored to me.

Because I again discovered that being alive meant that someone else could be loved, served, encouraged and blessed today.

It took the focus off me and my problems…

And shifted my gaze and contemplation onto His sacrificial LOVE flowing through me.

And the more I loved.

The more I felt His love.

So the more love I then had to give.

“The greatest thing about helping other people is for the moment you forget about yourself.”

Matthew Barnett

I again discovered that the giving and receiving of true love is probably one of the best medicines to help sooth the pain. It is certainly the highest and most significant calling of our lives.

So today I decided to share my story with you again – to tell you with great love to never forget…

That despite your chronic pain, despite all of the debilitation, despite your current disabilities and limitations, despite all of the restrictions you seem to be facing…

There is still a much greater purpose for you.

Please don’t lose sight of that like I did. The truth is – there is still so much to live for. There are things that only you can do. There are words and tasks that only you will be able to see need doing, or saying, that may be able to connect with and encourage someone else really struggling.

So choose to love daily.

Choose love as the highest purpose of your life.

And whoever you are – whatever worldly title you do or don’t have – whether you feel important or insignificant – try to simply do…

Small things with great love.

That way, the world will shine a little bit brighter because you are still in it. Which is so important to both us, and others, who seem to be constantly stuck in a cycle of – at times – overwhelming darkness, brokenness and pain.

As I write these words today and try to infuse them with as much love as I can, I hope that you will today truly SEE how extraordinary you can be – IF you will just do and say ordinary things with extraordinary love.

Whilst knowing how much greater that love is – when it is given with the deep sacrifice of your ongoing pain.

“I was broken so that I may understand the broken, so that I may reach out to the hurting, and comfort the wounded. I have the capacity to bring hope and love and healing. A once fractured mirror finding new purpose, because I am no longer reflecting myself, I’m reflecting Him. This is my reason for living. This is why I was created.”

Sam Re

To read more about my recent mental health crisis please try this post; A Window into a Suicidal Mind  To read more about my beginning to understand how crippling shame had become in my life please see; ‘The Shame of Chronic Illness and Pain.’ For an article on a similar theme to this one please try: Is Busyness a Choice?

For more posts about my story of living with a spinal CSF Leak please look at the subject heading on the menu bar above.

For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org.

God & Spirituality, Suffering & Grief

Falling Into Grace

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“Grace can’t be explained; it has to be experienced … grace always has a story.” – Kyle Idleman

Grace is a word that we are all familiar with. We might think of it as a quick prayer at the start of a formal dinner. Or maybe a popular baby girls name. Perhaps you might think of a ballet dancer or figure skater moving gracefully around the room. You may of even heard it talked about in church.

But as the quote above says – grace is so much more than all that. It is not simply a word, a short prayer or even a religious concept…

Grace is an experience!

Falling into grace copy (2)

Over the past few years God has really deepened my experience, understanding and revelation of grace. Grace has become such a powerful reality in my life that even just hearing or thinking the word can often bring tears to my eyes, or tangibly move my heart very deeply, as I hear and ponder it.

To me, the concept of divine grace is one of the most beautiful things in the world!

This is mainly because I believe, know and have profoundly experienced – that divine grace truly is the ultimate foundational building block of unconditional love.

You cannot separate grace from love. They are fully dependant on one another. Unconditional love is only possible because of undeserved grace.

Of course, we are talking about a specific definition of the word grace. I am referring to the word as a Biblical concept, a spiritual experience. So before I move on, let me first attempt to describe to you what I SEE when I read, or hear, the word grace in this context.

In the Bible’s New Testament, grace is translated from the Greek word ‘charis’ which can be translated as God’s unmerited or undeserved favour and ability. To favour someone or something is to prioritise, show preference to, demonstrate a special kindness towards and basically give approval to that person or thing.

Normally in our day to day world we would show ‘favour’ to someone that we love more than others, ie. a spouse, child, family member, best friend, someone who has helped or shown us more kindness than others. We would rarely show ‘favour’ to someone who had been unkind, treated us badly or someone that we dislike.

Therefore we usually show favour (or grace) to people conditionally. We repay love for love, kindness for kindness, generosity for generosity, dislike for dislike, rudeness for rudeness, hate for hate. The way someone behaves or acts towards us dictates how we react, treat and respond to them in the vast majority of cases.

This is where ‘charis’ blows normal human behaviour and convention out of the water.

The whole point of the New Testament concept of charis is that it is wholly undeserved. There is no initial assessment about whether someone’s behaviour merits us favouring them. We decide to favour them – before we know how they will treat or respond to us. AND we choose to favour and show kindness to them DESPITE wrong, hurtful or negative treatment or attitude towards us.

Do you see how undeserved grace is the foundational building block of unconditional love?

Can you SEE how outrageously beautiful it is as a concept to me? However, the stunning nature of undeserved charis can never be fully explained in words. It has to be SEEN & EXPERIENCED. For us to truly get a life changing revelation of its glorious divine nature and intention you have to have lived through, and from, its awesome perspective. As the lyrics to this song show is so beautifully…

“And nothing ever LOOKED like this
The wonder of a world I missed
The clarity I find in GRACE
Never thought I’d SEE this way.
You’ve been there every time I fall
Been there through it all
All this time to SHOW me
The VIEW from here.”
– Stu Garrard (The View From Here)

Those words help to describe the profound transforming metamorphosis that occurs from the day, or season, that we truly begin to SEE via divine grace.

It revolutionises the way that we SEE the world. It completely changes our own perspective of God and humanity. We start viewing everything from the eyes of our hearts – rather than with our limited heads and minds. It is a wholly new ‘view from here’. And today I want to try and describe something of the view from the vantage point of divine undeserved grace.

“The view from here
So beautiful
It’s so beautiful…
… can you SEE it now?”
(Stu Garrard ‘The View From Here’)

The view from the outlook of grace is truly stunning. It is simply indescribably beautiful. As you look out at the world, you begin to increasingly see the beauty in each and every person you meet. Even when they are in a bad mood, even if they treat you terribly, despite their good or bad behaviour. You see hidden beauty within them and you long to reach, connect with it and draw it out from them. You feel a profound depth of love for them before you even meet or know them.

Undeserved grace is truly THAT radical!

Isn’t it beautiful?!

Can you imagine a world where everyone could see and treat others from that viewpoint?

Falling into grace experience copy (2)

But I can also hear the cynics among you mumbling: “Well that’s simply unattainable idealistic ‘world peace’ rubbish – who on earth can love to that depth? How can you love someone you don’t know or have never even met ... if you don’t know them – how do you know if that person really deserves your love?”

And all true Jesus followers should quickly reply with a resounding…

“We don’t! – But that’s the whole point of grace.”

How deserving someone is of love is taken right out of the equation.

There is nothing they could do to make us love them more. There is nothing they can do to make us love them less. We simply love them because we just love them. Full stop!

Isn’t it beautiful?

But…you might say… is it really possible to live like that? With that radical view of the world? Seeing every person you meet as uniquely, but distinctly, beautiful?

It is ONLY possible if you have ‘experienced’ that undeserved grace and unconditional love yourself first personally. You can’t view the world like that until you truly see and experience that level of divine love from the source of perfect, infinite, Divine Love Himself – Jesus Christ! When people have truly experienced divine undeserved grace and love. It will naturally flow out of them like streams of living water – to increasing measure, to everyone they meet. You can’t make it, will it or force it to happen. It should just increasingly become as natural as breathing, for those people who have truly surrendered to God’s unconditional love and grace.

However, unmerited grace is not a one-off experience alone. That is where it begins. But it’s real beauty is seen when people experience an ongoing deeper and deeper revelation personally. Day by day. Month by month. Season by season. And as they do it will just naturally transform the way they think, feel and behave until they increasingly drip and bleed undeserved grace and unconditional love to everyone they meet.

That metamorphosis has to be one of the most stunningly beautiful processes to watch happening in both yourself and others. Once you have seen and tasted what grace can do in your own and other people’s lives. Once you have experienced the restful ease of it’s transforming power. When you begin to rise up and view the worlds valleys and humanities brokenness from the lush green hills of grace.

You are never the same again!

However, the hidden glory of that transformation is that you will only truly experience it mesmerising depths, IF you begin from a place of witnessing the true extent to which it is undeserved. In your own life first… then in others second.

The truth is you will only experience grace in proportion to how much you acknowledge the depths of your own brokenness and weakness.

The divine key – given freely via Jesus Christ – to unlocking this view of undeserved grace and unconditional love in your own heart… Is surrendering to and receiving it’s ultimate core revelation…

That you have done nothing and can do nothing now, or in the future, to deserve miraculous divine perfect love.

The moment you believe you have done something that helps make you worthy of unconditional love and undeserved grace, you have voided the whole revelation and experience. You cannot experience grace by earning it – you can only receive as the ultimate gift.

You can only experience grace when you see how absolutely undeserved it really is!

And that is also humanity’s biggest hurdle to receiving the life transforming experience. Because humans like to justify how good and deserving they are; of respect, life and love. They have believed the lie that has completely corrupted people’s understanding and experience of love in our world – that love is something you give and receive because of how much you have earned and deserved it. This is why human convention dictates that you love those who love you, show kindness to those who are kind to you, and dislike and even hate those who dislike and hate you. Which makes the most sense to our human minds.

However…

People can’t see that it’s just that corruption of love that has polluted and destroyed our world, it’s inhabitants and all our relationships. The world is falling apart because it doesn’t truly understand and hasn’t truly experienced perfect unconditional love.

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All this is because the truth is ‘weakness is the ONLY way’ to receiving that love. And unfortunately humanity hates feeling weak. We spend our lives trying to cover over and whitewash the cracks and crevices we ALL have. We will do anything we can to show off our strengths and sometimes go to any extreme to hide and cover over our weaknesses.

This results in our own ‘view from here’ being totally corrupted, polluted and full of both:

Pride AND shame.
Superiority AND inferiority.
Self-promoting AND self-hiding.
Self-prioritising AND self-loathing.
Arrogance AND false humility.

All of which will pollute and destroy perfect love.

Paul said in the Bible; “But he (God) said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” – 2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:9‬

Anyone who has followed any part of my painful three year journey through a debilitating and devastating chronic illness will have heard and seen how it’s relentless waves have completely wrecked me again and again. I cannot begin to describe to you what has happened in my life over the past three and a half years. But perhaps I would say that, at times, it felt like a mixture of a devastating typhoon that ravaged its way through my life and attempted to destroy everything in its path. Whilst I sailed through its unrelenting storm in an exposed wooden rowing boat trying to not be completely sunk by the untamable wind and waves that seemed to strip me naked and constantly flood over me. On and off, I thought I was physically, mentally and spiritually drowning. Unable to cope or see a way through.

I can’t tell you how weak and vulnerable you feel when you are quite literally mostly bed bound and debilitated by a ‘life wrecking’, widely misunderstood, illness.

But as the never-ending storm raged and ripped through my life, stripping me of so many parts of my identity, dreams for the future and so much of what I could do, it revealed a deeper and deeper vulnerability. It exposed more and more of the real, naked, hidden and weak me. Until at moments I wasn’t totally sure what was left behind amidst the tatters of my old life.

Its destructive path at times completely overwhelmed me... but through it all... that still small voice of the Holy Spirit whispered…

“Weakness is the way”
“You can’t – but I AM can”
“Let yourself fall into My undeserved grace”
“Immerse yourself in My unconditional love”

And over time I began to SEE more and more of the depths of my Creator’s unconditional love – that could only be experienced through falling into and being completely immersed in His undeserved grace.

The old me who wanted to look, and be, so strong, the old me who struggled with pride and shame as the depth of her weakness was exposed, the old me who wanted to cover her nakedness with various worldly ‘fig leaves’ as Adam and Eve did after the fall…. Had to let herself be brutally killed off more and more –  so that I could experience His ever increasing grace.

All of my heroic self-attempts to keep striving to be strong, all of my ugly self-reliance that tried to fight the battle on my own, all of my projected ‘able, high-achieving, pretentious’ self-identity had to be brutally crushed and wounded.

… until I could again see that we can do absolutely NOTHING to earn or deserve God’s divine favour. We cannot add – even a morsel – to His unmerited ability or His unearned strength at work within us. 

“It would be so much more comfortable if God would keep us in our “strengths zone” wouldn’t it? But God keeps thrusting us into our “weakness zone” because it is only in our weakness that he is made strong”. – Christine Cane.

My Father, Lover and Friend… in His incomprehensible wisdom, allowed me to walk through the relentless ‘valley of the shadow of death and destruction’. So that I would learn to fall more deeply into Him. So that He could keep leading me like a Shepherd leads his scared lost sheep, up the greener, more peaceful, lusher mountainside. Up towards the higher ground where ‘the view from here’ would look even more stunningly beautiful than ever before.

My view of undeserved grace and unconditional love could only be widened and deepened when I truly realised that…

“It’s NONE of me… it’s ALL of Him.”

And that is what characterised His constant whispers to my soul throughout the storm…

“You can only do this through I AM’s undeserved grace. It’s My strength in your weakness. I didn’t build or design you to try and scale this mountain by your own human striving, strength and perseverance. I have allowed you to feel and see the depth of your weakness – so that you will see how much you need My grace. So FALL into My grace My precious, dependant, child and allow my SHALOM peace and completeness to STILL your heart again. And watch as you are saturated by My unconditional Love – so that when you look into the eyes of every person you meet, you will truly SEE with My eyes of pure unadulterated love.”

That is my ‘view from here’ which grows clearer and clearer each and every day.

That is why the word grace can cause me to catch my breath, bring tears to my eyes and deeply move my burning heart once again.

That is my story of undeserved grace.

That is what I need you to hear as you listen to my tragically beautiful tale.

Weakness is the only way to truly experience God. His grace can only be received as a mind-blowingly generous undeserved gift. His unconditional love is given despite our faults and failures. So that when we receive it – it will overflow to everyone we meet. In the stunning form of unconditional love for ALL people – regardless of how they feel about us in return. 

The view from here is so very beautiful. It’s so beautiful… can you SEE it now? 

“Christianity is not primarily a moral code but a grace-laden mystery; it is not essentially a philosophy of love but a love affair; it is not keeping rules with clenched fists but receiving a gift with open hands”. – Brennan Manning

God & Spirituality, Suffering & Grief

Suffering into a Deeper Spiritual Awakening 

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“Any great calamity in the natural world – death, disease, bereavement – will awaken a man like nothing else could and he is never the same. We would never know the treasures of darkness, if we are always in the place of placid security.” – Oswald Chambers

If you have ever faced pitch black darkness – you know how hard it is to get around. In that place, if you want to get somewhere, you will have probably also experienced the desperate longing to discover more revealing light.

We tend to fumble around in darkness, utterly lost and insecure about where our feet should go. We have to move so slowly. Feeling our way around and through. Hoping to find a flicker of light, some moonlight, a torch or that revealing light switch that should instantly show the right path ahead.

In pitch black darkness, we all know that we must move towards a source of light to find a way out.

I can still vividly remember being on holiday in Menorca years ago – when our kids were small. We were staying in a small villa, which had shutters and at night was pitch black. One night, one of our small girls screamed out after having a nightmare and I literally jumped out of bed, half asleep. I instantly felt completely disorientated and enveloped by the confusion of the darkness around me.

Where was I?
How could I reach my screaming child?
Where was that light switch that I desperately needed?

In the pitch black, fear and anxiety often overwhelm you. Especially when you face the urgency of trying to get to your screaming child. In that moment I felt completely and utterly helpless as I felt the walls, trying to recall where that light switch was.

Eventually – after fumbling around for ages – I found that precious switch. With it came a stilling burst of light. My panic began to subside as I could see the way to reach my distressed little girl in her own room. And as she felt my presence in the light, as I held her in my reassuring arms and listened to her describe her scary dream – I was so thankful for that light.

The same is true in our lives.

Times of deep darkness disorient us. We can panic and become anxious as our way forward is hidden. We might fumble about trying to find a source of light to make the path ahead clear. We can feel desperate – longing to discover even a flicker of light.

Darkness quickly feels enveloping and all consuming. Its black fog often starts to seep into every area of our thoughts, emotions, actions and lives. We can’t seem to shake it off. Its mist covers everything we do. Until we feel like we are slowly being sucked to its desolate and empty core of despair.

And as it does… the desperate longing and need for light increases and intensifies every hour of every day. Until we know the flicker of a flame – ‘a little hope’ – is not enough anymore to guide us through the dense fog we are immersed in. We need a more powerful light – a more ‘substantial and secure hope’ – to get us through and illuminate, reveal and secure the path ahead. 

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But it is also in the ‘deep darkness’ that the ‘treasures of darkness’ are waiting to be found. For it is only in that place that we truly see how much we long for and need the light to survive. It is only when our eyes are blinded by the darkness that we fully realise the depths of our desperation and longing for the light to again truly SEE!

The past three years, or so, have been the hardest physical, mental, emotional and spiritual challenge of my life. My journey through an utterly debilitating chronic illness following my accident in January 2015 left me feeling more broken and weak than I ever have before.

And yet…

I have increasingly discovered that ‘broken and weak’ is the avenue God uses to draw us more deeply towards Him. It is in true human desperation that we realise how little strength we really have alone. Weakness, and the subsequent new level of humility it can usher in, is always the path to discovering just how deeply we need God.

But the stark reality is – the intense journey of brokenness is truly a painful and raw place to walk. Where layer upon layer of self-sufficiency, self-security, self-identity and self-confidence are brutally peeled away. Leaving us more and more exposed in our human ‘naked’ vulnerability and fragility. Even as you begin to tentatively emerge and ascend out of the valley of deep darkness, you can still feel very battered, bruised and disorientated from the utterly exhausting and often overwhelming fight.

Finding your way through the darker valleys of life, although intensely difficult, can also be an exceedingly beautiful journey; as your heart is softened, opened and humbled like never before. IF – and only IF – we truly invite God into the hidden depths of our vulnerability and pain.

It is only then that we discover and SEE the light of His love,

More intimately.
More stunningly.
More remarkably.
Than ever before!

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” – ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34:18‬ ‭(The Bible)

It has not always been easy on that relentless journey through life’s darker valleys. There have been moments of anger at God. Thoughts of betrayal. So much lack of understanding about what was really going on. I have had to wrestle through intensely difficult questions and thoughts.

I needed to ‘discover more of God’ in a FAR more real – and yet gritty – way. 

I have also had to come to a deeper acceptance of the fact, that we all currently live in a ‘broken world’. And that it is probably not going to change, for many of us, any time soon. 

The world was originally created perfect, with God, humanity and creation living in perfect ‘Shalom’ (peaceful) completeness, wholeness and harmony. But ever since humanity decided to do things ‘their way’ rather than the ‘Creator’s way’ in the garden of Eden. The ‘completeness and harmony’ of creation has been fractured and has been subsequently breaking down & slowly falling apart. Sickness, disease, genetic deformity, natural disaster, selfishness, rebellion and pride all entered the world as a consequence of that ‘fall’ and separation of humanity from the Perfect Designer of the universe.

It doesn’t mean God wanted me – or any of us – to be sick. Or that He caused me to fall that day to teach me a lesson. Sickness is just part of our broken world that is groaning to have its ‘Shalom’ completeness restored. God wasn’t the ‘author’ of my sickness, but He does promise to work with our fractured creation and turn it around for my good.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans‬ ‭8:28‬ ‭(The Bible)

Over the past few years I have increasingly ‘groaned’ alongside the whole of creation for the ultimate redemption and restoration of the Shalom. Matt and I have also never been more aware of the deep, yet at times exceedingly painful, tension that exists between the ‘now’ and the ‘not yet’. Between God’s perfect kingdom and the current world in which we live.

This life is our ‘in the meantime’ life…

Yet the promise is that we can also begin to increasingly experience the ‘not yet’ perfect kingdom of God – His Shalom – in the ‘now’ through Jesus Christ. Jesus broke into His fractured creation to reach broken humanity. He came to live in the centre of the tension – as one of us. To see and then experience the deepest and most painful suffering here – to bring the ‘not yet’ of God’s glorious kingdom into the broken reality of creations ‘now’.

God’s complete ‘Shalom’ (perfect, whole life, restoring, enveloping peace) is what we ALL yearn and long for in the depths of our spirits and souls. Especially in the midst of suffering. But it is not just a ‘fuzzy’ feeling of ‘inner peace & calm’.

‘Divine Shalom’ – is so much more!

It is the stillness of our entire being – even amidst the storm. It’s illuminating light – even when everything appears dark. It’s the divine ability of undeserved grace – displayed through our human weakness. It loves us whole – in the reality of our brokenness. It is perfect completeness – in the midst of our imperfection.

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It’s so very hard to explain to you – with simple words – what has happened to me spiritually over the past three years. How can mere words describe the indescribable?! The only way I can explain it to you is that it was a profoundly deeper ‘spiritual awakening’.

I now SEE with new eyes.
I now HEAR with new ears.
I now FEEL with a new heart.
I now THINK with new wisdom.

My own human ‘nakedness’ of weakness and vulnerability has been exposed and uncovered to a much greater depth. And it was in that place that I found more indescribable divine Love waiting patiently for me. It was as if, all the way through my journey of brokenness and pain, I was being drawn further to seek and discover, being taken deeper to search and find.

It was only when I saw and felt the depths of my weakness and inability that I experienced the glorious wonder of His strength rising up within me. It was only as my self-reliance was brutally crushed by my inability to cope, that my dependency on Him grew so much stronger. Until from deep within the broken clay jar vessel of my life I cried out to the one who created me…

“Make me whole again Daddy.
Then shape and fill me anew, Holy Spirit.
Mould me into Your Divine image Jesus. 
Nothing else really matters… All I need is You!!”

I had again reached that intimate place of deeper surrender. 

When the darkness intensifies – our need for light increases. When blindness envelopes us – our longing to SEE truly grows. When our inner being is parched and empty – our spiritual hunger and thirst becomes more desperate. When the world can only offer silence – our spiritual ears long for His eternal song.

Spiritual Awakening3

When trying to describe spiritual – awakenings, encounters or experiences. We often use ancient images, words and metaphors. That to some might sound ‘cryptic’. To others may be simple ‘poetic words’. But to those of us who have truly tasted and experienced the eternal immeasurable love of God – Father, Son and Spirit. To those who have discovered Him waiting for them in their deepest brokenness and pain. To those who have seen His mesmerising light in the darkness. To those who know they cannot live without His beautiful grace…

Such words truly connect with the deepest longings of our hearts. Desires that we know nothing in this world can even begin to satisfy.

I wrote these words about my recent struggles to inspire us today. So that – together – we can again perceive the divine call to our souls – in the midst of suffering – to stretch further, to reach out deeper and uncover more of the dazzling light of His Truth, that will enable us to SEE and experience more of …

…the stunning, transcendent, everlasting – yet intimately personal and experiential – Triune GOD…

Who is pure unconditional LOVE.
The Author of undeserved GRACE.
And the central beating heart of the perfect infinite SHALOM.

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” ― C.S. Lewis, (Mere Christianity)

Click here for a great video explanation of the Hebrew word ‘Shalom’

For more posts about my three year battle with a spinal CSF leak – please click here or click on the CSF Leak tab at the menu above.

God & Spirituality, Spinal CSF Leak

Finding A Way Through: My Spinal CSF Leak Recovery 

33 Comments

UPDATE: Please note that in August 2020 I was also diagnosed with arachnoiditis as well as a spinal CSF Leak – I now have radiological evidence to support both those diagnosis. To read more about the new diagnosis please see this link.

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.– Confucius

It’s been a while since I have written here. The last six months have been a season of deep trial and anguish, whilst simultaneously becoming a season of great joy. My ongoing health battles have been truly exhausting and yet…

I am currently seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.

And today, I have rediscovered my voice to share my story. 

Following just about holding on through the immense challenges of the the last three years – since I fell off that ladder in January 2015 – I can now pretty confidently say that it seems that I am currently in recovery from my CSF leak. We are hoping that this time – following epidural blood patch number four last September – that I can make a full recovery.

At the moment it looks like we are heading that way. And yet my three year journey has been full of a cycle of injury, treatment, recovery and relapse. So it has been intensely difficult to definitely say to the world – “this is IT!”

Although that is of course the hope and dream.

Following my long summer of 2017 spent almost totally flat in bed (or on my beautiful garden bed outside) I had a CT Myelogram scan mid September to try and locate my spinal CSF leak. Traumatically, the scan caused me to have an epileptic seizure and yet failed to evidence my leak. Such is the challenge of looking for these elusive leaks – 50% of which are never actually found. I was subsequently then left even worse off than I had been – hardly able to walk or be upright for more than a few minutes at a time. So I stayed in hospital and a week later I had a 40ml lumbar epidural blood patch (after the first one was aborted due to the needle going too far). Two days later it appeared that my headaches had shifted from low to intense rebound high-pressure headaches and I was finally discharged with the diuretic acetazolomide to help these new headaches.

High pressure headaches point to the fact the blood patch has probably worked – however the journey of trying to discern what is high or low pressure is not for the faint of heart.

In fact – over the next few weeks – it again almost completely floored me.

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Over the following couple of months I was extremely unwell, even though I could be upright much more. This took its toll on my mental health as I struggled to work out what on earth was going on in my crazy body. One day I was sure it was rebound high pressure symptoms and the blood patch had worked – the next I was convinced it was still low pressure and that the treatment hadn’t worked. Day by day, week by week, the confusion and debilitation of severe neurological symptoms and pain – both upright and lying flat – and an inability to rest and sleep properly – took its toll on my mental health. Until I realised – if nothing changed quickly – that I was heading towards a second complete mental breakdown.  (Like the one I had had a couple of months after my second epidural blood patch in November 2015).

When suicidal thoughts began to again abound – as I again convinced myself that I was probably still leaking and would maybe never get well – I knew I had to take radical steps to calm my terrifyingly restless and anxious thoughts and again find a way through the anxiety and confusion.

“A person who worries still thinks in some way that he can solve his own problem. Worry is the mind racing around trying to find a solution to its situation” – Joyce Meyer

The darkness of hopelessness and despair began to wash over me like a flood – mixed with the sheer exhaustion of three years of fighting and partially recovering and then relapsing again and again – and I was slowly beginning to feel like I was drowning again mentally and emotionally.

My legs were madly trying to tread water to keep my head above the waters – but some moments of some days I felt far too worn out to keep battling to stay afloat.

But what choice did I really have – right?!

There is no choice – because the only other choice is the unthinkable… and yet in the darkness you DO think the unthinkable. In the silence of pain and debilitation – your mind can end up in a scary place.

You just need it all to go away…you just need the pain and struggle to end…

You even sometimes naively wish what you had was terminal – because at least then there would be an end.

There needs to be an end.
There has to be an end.

How do you keep going, when you don’t know how long you have to endure? It’s the not knowing that feeds the anxiety, it’s the fears of getting worse that drain your depleted energy… and yet there is no escape.

You just need an escape…

But then you become consumed with guilt and shame for being so selfish to not only think – but at times dwell on such horrible things. Because if I love my family then I have to endure – because love never gives up! Right!? Unconditional love endures till the end.

…And yet how do you keep on going when you are utterly exhausted and at the end of yourself.

It’s a vicious cycle.

I even shouted at God on a few occasions to make it all stop because I couldn’t take any more of it. I told Him I wasn’t strong enough to keep on fighting. I was utterly worn out in every way – I pleaded with Him for no more pain, no more medical battles, no more clear scans, no more chaos in our life, no more crazy debilitating symptoms!

Shame was pulling me back down into its dark clutches. In my mind shame taunted me with the fact I was too weak, the fact I couldn’t cope, the fact I was chronically ill and couldn’t get well, the fact I had seizured after the CT Myelogram – so thought no one would do any more scans like that now to try and find the leak. The fact that I thought soon enough Doctors would give up on my difficult case.

I heard a voice within me screaming; ‘You can’t do this! You might as well give up! You will never get well – your worthless life will be full of this kind of pain for good. It won’t get better. It will only again get worse. Relapse is inevitable – and you will only go and muck up any healing again anyway!!

I HAD to still those relentless voices.
I HAD to rediscover the voice of hope.
I HAD to somehow find a way to discipline my restless mind.
I HAD to trust God for the strength to somehow make it through.

“If you hear a voice within you say, ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” – Vincent Van Gogh

I had to find the voice of faith, unconditional love and abundant grace.

That still small voice that is always whispering to my heart telling me: You CAN do this and I AM is here helping you through.

I couldn’t do it alone. I needed Him to walk me through. I needed Him to talk me through.

I needed His voice.
I needed to draw closer to His heart to hear His whispers.
His words became my breath of life.
His truths lit up the path ahead.

Moment by moment
Day by day
I somehow made it through…

Even when it seemed impossible.

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord GOD is the eternal Rock.” -‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭26:3-4‬ ‬. The Bible.

Things began to settle down a bit a couple of months or so after my fourth blood patch and I began to discover that I could be upright more and walk further – little by little, week by week.

But I knew I had to protect any progress.
I needed to focus my mind and fix it on more hopeful things.
I knew I must use my thoughts to meditate on more calming concepts.

I had to shut down the multitude of voices that surrounded me and work on listening to the one I most needed. The voice that whispered, ‘be still’ in the midst of the raging storm. The only voice that had the power to break through the deep darkness that enveloped me, with the light of true abundant life. The voice singing songs of love over me – as He navigated my broken vessel through the raging seas.

And,
…step by step…
…hour by hour…
….day by day…
…week by week…

I am finding my way into more and more peaceful waters.

Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually – calmer times have come.

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I am not yet ‘back to normal’ – back to where I was before I fell that day in January 2015. And yet, I can be upright ALL day long without needing to lie down. Week by week I am growing in confidence in what I can do. Month by month my strength is building and my body is in less pain and is more fully relaxing.

I still have issues in my head. My Neurology Consultant and I agree that it seems to be a ‘hypersensitivity to higher pressure’ – so I still need a lot of calm and quiet in my days. I cannot rush about like I used to. Stress, raising my voice, singing, talking too much, bending, lifting, going to the loo – and similar things – all increase the pressure in my head.

But it is improving … slowly … and it is gradually heading in the right direction.

So that I can hope, believe and dream again – that one day I will be fully free from this horrendously debilitating condition. Free from the monster that has plagued the last three years of my life and attempted to rob far too much from our family. I still have to fight the fears of relapse – because that has been my very real experience so very many times.

But I HAVE learnt so much on this crazy recovery story – and those around me have learnt so much too.

Doctors are learning how better to treat this condition – because I chose to open up my life and to keep them informed. Patients are learning how to find a way through – because I chose to speak up, challenge misguided opinions about the condition and reach out amidst my pain. Christians are finding a way to endure seasons of great suffering – because by His grace I have somehow managed to wrestle through.

And one day – one fine and beautiful day to come – I hope that I can fully enjoy and embrace the wonder of hindsight. That in a time hopefully coming soon – I can stand on the mountain top and tell the world that I managed to just about endure and somehow made it through the pain. I have always known that that will be a glorious season – where I will shout, sing and share the tales of complete restoration and stunning redemption from the intense struggle. Where I can testify to how God brought our family all the way through.

But in the meantime…

….whilst things are still a little hazy and complete recovery is a dream not yet fully attained… I want to tell you of my gratitude. For life, love and breath in my lungs. For my amazing husband, my enduring children, my loving family, dear friends and wonderfully supportive church. I want to tell you about all the wonderful doctors and nurses that have helped me through – even when their understanding was so limited. I want to speak of my gratitude that I can currently be upright ALL day, that I can walk for miles whilst listening to music or inspiring words. That I can drive locally, go to the shops, visit friends, eat in a cafe and sit up in church.

I need to tell you that when you have tasted of utter debilitation, that being able to DO things again is a wonder to behold.

However, most of all I need to tell you about the fundamental thing that has brought me through.

He is known as Jehovah – the stunning three in one God – who so very many people don’t yet know. He is my light in the darkness. He is unconditional love in the midst of trial and sorrow. He is my undeserved grace when I completely fall apart and shout at Him in anger and despair. He is my comforter when I am distressed. He is the still small voice that sustains me. He is peace to my anxious thoughts. My fountain of life. My inner calm.

He is the way, the truth and the life.

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But most of all I need to tell you that in and through His stunning grace – He carried me – on the days I never thought I would make it through. Sometimes through my husband, children, family and friends. Sometimes through a song or inspiring words that someone chose to share. Sometimes through the prayer offered up by someone who saw our pain. Sometimes through a whisper on the wind picked up when my heart and mind were finally still.

So I will ALWAYS hold fast to Him and listen to His songs of love – until that day comes when this beautiful scripture becomes my physical – as well as – my spiritual reality.

“My beloved spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come…”  – Song of Songs 2:10-12. The Bible.

My dream is that one day I will sing again – with all the breath in my lungs – without it hurting my head.

And on that day I will sing a new song of never ending love from my soul, to the ONE who carries us through our deepest, darkest pain.

2017-10-28 19.35.47

To read more about my story of living with a chronic spinal CSF Leak click here.

Here is a brilliant 2 min animation about Spinal CSF leaks.

For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org.

Here is a medical journal publication about rebound intracranial hypertension (rebound high pressure) as a complication of epidural blood patching. 

This is a wonderful new May 2018 medical paper about the 10 most common myths and misperceptions about spinal CSF leaks. It is by some of the top world experts in treating this condition. I was told so many of these myths by various neurologists, anaesthetists, radiologists and many other doctors during my lengthy and traumatic nearly 5 year battle with a spinal CSF leak. This kind of misinformation caused many delays, misunderstanding and great distress on my already immensely long winded and difficult medical journey.

This other in depth 2018 medical paper is about both low and high intracranial pressure syndromes and their similar and different symptoms. It also mentions cross overs with other headache types. When a patient suffers with a spinal CSF leak long term it can cause massive fluctuations in their whole pressure system both whilst suffering from a spinal CSF leak and following treatment. This is why lumbar puncture pressure readings and ICP pressure monitoring can prove an inaccurate diagnostic tool for SIH (low pressure)  and RIH (rebound high pressure) as this paper refers to as does the 10 myths paper. My initial LP in February 2015 reading was a 7 which was considered ‘evidence’ of low pressure by some doctors and normal by others.

God & Spirituality, Identity, Perspective

What Is Within Us Is Who We really are. 

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Over the past two years whilst my body has not been working properly, I have had to learn that what’s inside me, who I am within, is far more important than what is seen on the outside. 

On the outside my body is currently broken and debilitated by my spinal fluid leak. But I am increasingly learning that it’s what is on the inside that truly counts. 

So even though I am currently struggling to change the limitations of my physical body, I know I can still develop the person on the inside of me, whatever is happening on the outside.

This means focusing on feeding what is inside of me with good thoughts, words, inspiration and ideas. Having the wisdom to know how to cultivate the good parts, then allowing the positives (as well as the stark reality of the difficulties) to break out through my writing and in my communication with others.

That is why words are so precious to me. 

That is why writing is a wonderful gift, because it allows me to try to express the inexpressible. It allows something of what is on the inside to break out to speak and connect with others.

Last night, I was trying to describe to my husband Matt how, whilst my body is stuck lying flat nearly all day, it feels like what is deep inside of me keeps intensifying. Even the pain and struggle of this season fuels this ball of passion inside of me, a force that I want to be characterised mostly by love, compassion and grace, and yet still have the rawness and reality that comes with our natural human weakness. And I have certainly become more aware than ever of my weaknesses over the past two years.

I believe suffering brings a whole host of deep feelings inside of us. Some are good; it can develop more humility, more understanding of others pain, more compassion for those hurting, more personal resilience and strength. But on the not so good side; suffering can also draw us inside ourselves, we can easily become self absorbed and left sinking into a pit of self pity and despair that becomes extremely hard to climb out of.

All extremes of feeling and thought come at me daily. Some days and sometimes it takes all my might to redirect the negatives. Sometimes it feels almost impossible to stop them overcoming me. I can have many moments of tears and emotional/ mental exhaustion.

Yet I know I have to fiercely guard my heart and mind and protect what is inside of me. Every day I have to choose carefully what to fill my mind with. Every day I have to be ruthless in taking control of my thoughts. Every day I must make myself see the beauty and wonder that is still always around us.

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” – ‭‭A Proverb‬*

I must keep choosing to see outside of myself and look at how I can contribute positively to the world around me. I must stir up the wonder of what is inside of me, until it breaks out in and through my words and actions in the form of love, grace, compassion and fighting with, and for justice for, other people.

For me what is inside is intrinsically linked to my spiritual faith. You cannot separate the two. That is what inspires my many words!

It is through spiritually inspired words, thoughts and ideas that I feed the good parts of what is within. It is only in and through my love for God and other people that I personally can and will find a way to live like this, for as long as I have to. It is God’s Spirit that lives on the inside of me, that is at the heart of the ball of passion and love that inspires and creates the words that I speak and share.

It is God who leads me through this dry and desolate land and helps me to change the way that I think. Through His words, truth and other people’s wisdom, kindness and love, I can cultivate what is on the inside of me so that the good stuff can grow.


Some people must wonder how I can still love and trust in a loving creator God, when I am stuck with this cruel debilitating physical condition. But for me, I just don’t know how to live without him. I have wrestled through many questions and thought through the whys, as I wrote about in Why Me? The Soul Destroying Question.  And yet sometimes we have to just let go of the whys and instead focus on what we do know.

I know more than ever that God is alive within me and that he fills me with his peace and love. Even while there is seeming desolation on the outside….

Deep within me there is a whole other world. 

I want to discover more of the incredible beauty of that deep potential within me. A place that has been made raw and real by suffering and pain. And yet a place that is made beautiful and tender by unconditional love. So that I can dive even deeper inside me to find what can touch another deeply inside of them as well.

I don’t want to settle for just surface connection with others. Instead, I want to reach out and connect with another’s heart. I want to honestly meet them there, in their deep reality of both joy and pain.

So I need to do all that I can to keep being filled with inspiration. One way I do this is to read various ‘devotions/ inspirations’ on my You Version Bible app each day. Those words of inspiration by various authors, when added to the truth and beauty of Biblical words, feed my spirit and soul and re-balance my thoughts and emotions.

Some days when I open my Bible app to read God’s words, I am like someone who has not eaten for a while, desperate for some sustenance, craving more deep satisfaction.

I can often wake up in the morning and suddenly remember the reality of my current life and discouragement and despair can begin to try and seep into my mind and heart. It’s then more than ever that I know I need some deep inspiration from God to hang my perspective on again, as I start my day.

“But if I say I’ll never mention the Lord or speak in his name, his word burns in my heart like a fire. It’s like a fire in my bones! I am worn out trying to hold it in! I can’t do it!” – ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭20:9‬, The Bible

When I take the time to invest in filling myself with good words, they increasingly burn within me. They are like fuel that keeps the inside aglow. It’s only if I put the right inspiration within me that the right inspiration will come out of me.

I really do love and value words so much.

  • Because words are what connect us all together.
  • Words are what communicate from what is within us.
  • Words are what encourage and inspire us in the hard times.

So I have decided that whilst the never ending battles continue on a physical level, I want what is on the inside of me to tell a very different story. An adventure that probably won’t be seen much from the outside. But if you listen carefully you will still hear something about it. As I use words to attempt to describe to you what is truly going on deep within my soul.

 “You cannot kindle a fire in any other heart until it is burning within your own.” Eleanor Doan

*Proverbs ‭4:23‬ ‭The Bible

To read more about my story of living with a chronic spinal CSF Leak click here.

Here is a brilliant 2 min animation about Spinal CSF leaks.

For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org.

Perspective, Spinal CSF Leak

Learning Calmness: Flowing through life with a spinal CSF leak

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“Real contentment must come from within. You and I cannot change or control the world around us, but we can change and control the world within us.” – Warren Wiersbe

My journey over the past 2 years, or so, with a spinal CSF leak has been a journey of discovering deeper inner contentment, DESPITE physically battling the unending storm of so many physical limitations and chronic pain.

I have learnt more than ever over those 2 years that inner CALMNESS is the only way to flow through life with a CSF leak. Stress, worry, constantly pushing through symptoms too much and rushing about, simply make me feel incredibly ill and physically (and consequently mentally) anxious. They only exacerbate intense neurological symptoms.

So I am learning to…

Move slower
Think slower
Be slower

And surrender to a quieter calmer life.

This has not been an easy journey for me for many reasons…

  • I have ALWAYS lived a very full and busy life.
  • I was used to living at a FAST pace
  • I had bought into the lie, to a certain extent, that how busy you are equates to how significant your life is. As I wrote about here a while back.
  • CSF leaks mean you struggle to function upright for a long (or sometimes even a short time – as in my worst times) which brings a natural anxiety when you are feeling very ill.
  • Pain is not in anyway calming.
  • Parenting and calmness can be very challenging at times. (Especially when kids are fighting).

Because of this there were a number of things I had to face and let go of. That has been a process and a journey I am still on. So I have had to…

  • Let go of the need to be ‘someone’ and be ‘doing’ something significant and instead embrace the ‘me’ of this season and what I can do here.
  • Stop connecting my identity to what I do.
  • STOP ALL ‘rushing’ because my body simply can’t handle it.
  • Take each day as I can.
  • Learn to flow with my body and take regular lying flat breaks – rather than heroically trying to constantly to push through pain and other exhausting symptoms. (Most hours of being upright for me involve pushing through symptoms, I could not live life without ‘pushing through’ pain, exhaustion, brain fog, nausea etc. But it’s learning not to ‘push’ too much to my absolute limit, which will inevitably bring an element of physical and mental anxiety, as my body screams at me to lie flat and be released from the intense exhausting tension of being upright).
  • Be OK with missing out on events and things I used to enjoy.
  • Removing myself from stressful parenting moments – when appropriate – so as not allow stress/ raising my voice etc to make my symptoms worse.

I have had to rediscover the place of…
Peace….
Calmness….
& Tranquility….
Within me more deeply and learn how to maintain it as much as possible. This involves keeping control of my thoughts & embracing the deep serenity found in my spirit.

I have a wonderful friend who has kindly supported me a lot in this season. Who has helped me to see how to live more fully present in each moment. And to approach my ongoing health problems through ‘acceptance with hope’. This means facing and accepting my current limitations, so I can truly LIVE and embrace life here, whilst also holding out hope for a healthier future.

I read the Bible daily for wisdom and spiritual encouragement and it also talks about living in this present moment, not worrying about tomorrow, letting go of the past, whilst hoping for a better tomorrow. They are all things that have been a part of my life for decades.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” – ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:34‬

“…I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead,” -‭‭Philippians‬ ‭3:13‬ ‭

However, having a spinal leak has meant I have had to delve further into these truths. So as to find the place deep within me where the river is serenely calm. It is always there – but some days it’s easier to find than other days. Sometimes the storminess above it clouds it from view. There are also times the surface pain distracts from that inner peace, because pain shouts at us so loudly.

The sky is ALWAYS blue way above the storm. If I can focus on the consistency of the blue sky above I can then dive into that river of peace within me and swim in its warm calming waters of love.

Some days and moments peace can feel elusive, you search for it and it’s a battle to find it. No sooner have you found it and get ready to dive in to its peaceful waters that you lose it again as some other anxious thought breaks in, as another memory unsettles the heart, as the pain takes over and the exhaustion floors you.

When I had a mental and physical breakdown at the end of 2015  I could no longer find that tranquil river within me anymore that had anchored me all year. It was still there but it was so hidden from me because of the chaos of my mind and body. I felt completely lost at sea, drowning in a whirlpool of negativity and mental deception.

Fear screamed at me!
Anxiety shook me!
Despair consumed me!
Exhaustion overwhelmed me!

I just needed it ALL to stop.

2016 marked my journey of acceptance and mental and spiritual recovery. It was my time of learning to LET GO. I had to conquer the anxiety that bound me. I had to find my new identity. I had to learn how to keep LIVING in the chaos and unknowns.

I had to….
look deeper
reach deeper
dig deeper
find deeper

Because I knew that was where the river of peace still flowed. I knew I had to learn how to dive in deeper.

I realised I had to go where I had never been before.

Learning Inner Calmness verse copy

That journey has been an adventure. A journey of both gritted teeth endurance, as well of a satisfying joy. A journey of discovery and rediscovery. A journey of realising a deeper and more profound love that overwhelms the fear. A journey of not focusing on what I don’t have but celebrating/ being thankful for what I do  so I can make the most of LIVING here.

God showed me the way. He gave me the sign posts. He brought the people I needed at the right time. And He spoke through the voices He placed around me. He gave me friends and loved ones to cheer me a long the way.

It’s April 2017.
I have been unwell for 2 years and 4 months.
It’s been the hardest season of my life so far.
My life looks very different to the one I lived before.

But I am a different person. If you look closely the old Becky can still be found. Many people will not see the change from the surface. My passion for God, my love for people, my fondness of communication and words are all still there. But if you watch me, if you listen to me, if you compare me to who I used to be. There is a deep transformation within me as well.

Perhaps not recognisable to everyone, but very clear to me.

And it is intrinsically linked to an increasing CALMNESS. A decision to FLOW through each day, whatever it may bring. An ability to ‘let go’ more easily and throw off the chains of worry and anxiety. A greater ability to make the most of every opportunity. More depth of wisdom…

…as I have been OVERCOME…

BUT THEN…

…became the one who OVERCAME!

Yes this Becky is very different and even though I never want to relive those dark days again. Even though I daily wish I didn’t have to dwell in this debilitated body. There is no lesson more profound than meeting the full extent of your weakness and failure face on and falling apart in a way you never imagined possible….

To then rise again despite it all…
stronger yet calmer,
wiser yet more humble,
broken yet fuller,
different yet still me.

There is always more peace to be found. It is always being offered to us as a gift. We just sometimes have to take a journey to realise how much we need it. And to learn how to break through the storm around us on the outside,  so that we can then dive into the tranquillity that can only truly reside within.

“Real contentment must come from within. You and I cannot change or control the world around us, but we can change and control the world within us.” – Warren Wiersbe

Jesus said, “”I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” ‭‭- John‬ ‭14:27 The Bible‬ ‭

To read more about my story of living with a chronic spinal CSF Leak click here.

Here is a brilliant 2 min animation about Spinal CSF leaks.

For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org.

Perspective, Spinal CSF Leak

Reframing Negatives To See The Positives

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The expression ‘REFRAMING NEGATIVES‘ to see them in a more positive light, captured my attention recently. One of my friends had been talking about it and then a couple of days later I happened to read it in a book as well. I really liked the concept and have been pondering how I can apply it to my own life and current health challenges.

How can I reframe a negative situation so that it can be viewed more positively?

It’s often not easy to do this when you are facing challenging seasons. But I do have to ask myself daily – what is my other option? I could spend each day dwelling on, and being overcome, by all the negative implications of my current restrictions. But then I am just going to end up in a cycle of despair and frustration.

I have been there and it is fruitless, so very destructive and just makes me feel worse in every way.

So my only other option is that I have to reframe it! I have to find some positives here!

reframing negatives copy

Reframing is simply about looking at something with a different perspective. It’s about seeing ourselves, others, a circumstance or situation with new eyes. It can be a powerful and transforming process if we can fully embrace its potential.

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

Our lives here are such, that there is always a sense of uncertainty about tomorrow. Yes there are some things we can predict, believe or hope for, because of decisions and choices we make today. But very little of our day to day existence in this world is truly fixed. There is an impermanence about our current lives. We all have to dwell in these fragile bodies that are subject to death and decay.

And yet there is also always a bigger picture we can’t see. I may only know the significance of today when looking back from the hindsight of tomorrow. Some parts of today may look desolate, like the deadness of a tree in winter, but perhaps my spring is coming somewhere around the corner. Maybe green shoots of life will again appear and grow from what currently looks almost dead. And that may look very different than I can perhaps imagine with the limited perspective of today.

Perhaps tomorrow can and will be better than today. Or perhaps tomorrow will bring even more challenges. But then in the weeks, months and years that follow, things might again be totally turned around.

We often just don’t really know what the future might bring!

I regularly have to look at my current health problems like that. I can see how one day, if fully recovered, I would get to look back, and whilst not forgetting the struggles of this season, I would by then be more able to focus on the lessons learned as well as the depth gained.

But that perspective is so much easier to SEE when approached with the gift of hindsight. When the storm is finally over it’s easier to look back and be thankful about the fact you survived and have learnt so much from walking through it.

And yet,

It’s not so easy to do that when you still feel stuck in the storm and there is currently no true ending in sight. You are weary from the mountain of disappointments, you are tired of hoping and believing it will soon come to an end – but then it never does.

But life still has to go on regardless!

The storm won’t yet clear – but life is still happening, time is still ticking away.

reframing negatives LIVING copy

We have to find a way to keep on LIVING in this limbo – however long it lasts. I have to find ways to REFRAME the life I find myself living and find a way to live the FULLest life I can, amidst all it’s challenges and restrictions.

The unfinished painting, that is my life, is not looking as I hoped and intended it to look after 37 years on this earth. But rather than hide my unfinished ‘work in progress’ life painting away in the shame of its current state.

I have to choose to reframe it and hang it up for all to see – both the darkness AND the bright colours of this season. To show others that even the dry desert seasons, that seem to rob us of who we really are and want to be, can also produce exquisite detail. Detail that will reveal a new level of vulnerability and humility, if we let it. A deep work that brings growth, maturity and a better perspective during the struggle’s of this life.

I may not get to choose whether I walk through this road of chronic illness and pain. BUT if I can’t find a way to keep on LIVING here, how can I ask others to keep on LIVING and persisting in their own wilderness or stormy seasons? If I can’t reframe my own challenges to see the potential beauty here, then how can I support others to discover beauty when they are going through even tougher times than me.

I have a responsibility to my family and those around me, to find a way to reframe my struggles, challenges, weaknesses and failures. Until they become a voice to help encourage others in their own wilderness times.

reframing negatives voice of hope copy

Everyone faces battles that feel beyond them, at some point in their lives. And when we do, we need those voices that help us press in for the fight. People that understand both the pain of suffering and struggle, as well as finding a way to truly LIVE and press forward in its midst.

We need to hear the message that TOGETHER we can rise above the darkness of today. Until, even in the midst our own pain, we can become a beacon of hope to another.

So I choose to hang my ‘work in progress’ life painting where it can be fully seen. With all of its inaccuracies, imperfections and shadows. With both the lighter AND the darker shades both fully exposed. So that TOGETHER we can choose to SEE something different. And realise that the most inspiring and beautiful works of art are often not the ones of perfection. They are instead, the ones that tell a unique, expressive story of a REAL life lived.

A life of BOTH light and dark moments that are being made beautiful. Because the artist chose to see the potential of different shades of colour mixed together. A story that is being written to express something extraordinary. A masterpiece that will only become a masterpiece when it is finally finished. And when it is finished the times of preparation, rubbings out, mistakes, corrections and so many reworkings are no longer even perceived underneath.

A painting which tells the story of one person’s life journey. A human journey of both joy and pain, sorrow and laughter, suffering as well as true peace.

A picture that most of all I hope will tell a story of true love. A story about how it is love alone that truly conquers the darkness. It is love that can reframe any negative, until it ultimately becomes something far more vibrant and beautiful in the end. It is love that chooses to fight and never give up, even when our body is failing us.

So let me reframe my current challenges and see them in the light of love. How can I love in the midst of my ongoing storm? Who should I show love to in THIS season? How can I serve others around me, despite the many limitations of today?

So I welcome you into my world, with love, hoping and praying that TOGETHER we will find a better way through. That we can walk with each other celebrating the brighter seasons, whilst ALSO helping one another to reframe the darker moments of our lives. As well as the many many different shades of life in the inevitable seasons of the ‘in-between’.

“God had a purpose He knit you together for
But life has pulled at the seams
And you’re unravelling
And you can’t hold it together anymore
But God will, He will finish what He started
No thread will be left unwoven
Nothing will be left undone…..
But when He’s finished we will SEE
A beautiful tapestry
And know that nothing has been wasted in the end.”
– Steven Curtis Chapman ‘Finish What He Started.’

“For we are God’s masterpiece…”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭2:10‬ ‭(The Bible)

To read more about my story of living with a chronic spinal CSF Leak click here.

Here is a brilliant 2 min animation about Spinal CSF leaks.

For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org.

Family, Words & Writing

What You Say Flows From What Is In Your Heart

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Kind words can be short and easy to speak,
but their echoes are truly endless. – Mother Teresa

Have you ever wondered what is going on in someone’s heart? Who they really are and what they really think?

One sure way to work it out is to listen to what they say! What words come out of their mouths? What words do they write down/ type and share day after day.

In the Bible Jesus said…

“What you say flows from what is in your heart.” – Luke 6:45*

He is explaining that our words are connected to what is going on inside us. They are connected to our true hearts.

Yes of course we can pretend or say things we don’t really mean. But if you spend a lot of time with someone long term and listen to what they are saying, you will soon begin to get a picture of what is going on in their heart.

But the same is true for us! Have you ever stood back to consider how your own words paint a picture of what is going on within you?

Is your heart….
Tender or hard,
Loving or hateful,
Understanding or judgmental,
Forgiving or revengeful,
Sweet or bitter,
Cold or warm,
Kind or unkind,
Humble or proud?

heart shaped in sand

Love is one of the main things that should show through your words.

If you love someone with your whole heart, it should be obvious in the way we speak to and about them.

I personally believe love resides in our hearts like a beautiful song. If our hearts sing with love, our words should sing with that same love. And everyone should be able to hear the song of love in and through our words.

That’s one of my personal goals in life – for my words to sing with an otherworldly love that can only come from knowing the unfathomable unconditional love and grace of God.

If I am truly in love with God, and desire to love others wholeheartedly, you will hear it in the way I speak, write and act.

“When you know how much God is in love with you then you can only live your life radiating that love.” – Mother Teresa

When you fall in love with someone, you can’t stop thinking about them. You constantly want to talk to them. You desire to be with them. You will find yourself wanting to tell others about them.

Love is such a powerful and all consuming force. And yet we can get so comfortable in our love for others, that over the years it can wain in its intensity. That’s when the cracks appear. Our words get a little harsher, a little less patient, more critical, more negative, less understanding, more self focused.

We convince ourselves that this is the other person’s fault. Perhaps if they were more lovable and loving it would be easy. Maybe if they weren’t so infuriating and selfish we would have more positives to say.

“Love resides in our hearts like a beautiful song.”

But what if we turned that on its head a moment and thought…

What if the problem is not mainly ‘the other,’ what if our main problem is our OWN hearts? If our words are becoming overly negative what does that say about what is going on inside us? What does that say about the quality of our love in the first place?

True love is not a fleeting emotion!

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” – 1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:7‬ *

Love to me is ALWAYS unconditional. It is selfless – thinking of the other first. It is patient and kind, persistent and persevering. It’s full of grace. It is not easily angered, proud or self seeking. It covers over faults and loves regardless of weaknesses.

The challenge for me is that if that is the love I believe is in my heart. That love should then be revealed and shown through my words and actions.

Do my words sing with the love that I say is in my heart?

What do my words say about what is truly going on in my heart?

That’s a challenge to me. I certainly daily make mistakes. At times my words can be too harsh – especially to my family or when I feel particularly ill or get very tired. But I do want to do better, I can always be more positive, patient & understanding, even when exhausted and in pain.

Maybe we could take some time to consider that this week. Try and listen to what you say. Think about why you speak like you do.

You never know, you might discover that too many of your own words are negative, critical and hurtful. We all have ways we can improve in our communication with others. We can all be more kind and understanding. We can think more about how we can treat others as we would want to be treated.

What do your words reveal about your heart?

“What you say flows from what is in your heart.” – Luke 6:45

“Be generous with your time and your resources and with giving credit and, especially, with your words. It’s so much easier to be a critic than a celebrator. Always remember there is a human being on the other end of every exchange.” – Maria Popova

*Verses from the Bible