Tag Archives: CSF Leak

Spinal CSF Leak

NINE YEARS WITH A SPINAL CSF LEAK

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“There is so much rejection, pain and woundedness among us, but once you choose to claim the joy hidden in the midst of all suffering, life becomes celebration. Joy never denies sadness, but transforms it to fertile soil for more joy.”

– Henri Nouwen

January marked nine years since my accident (a ladder fall) which means I have now spent over nine years living with a spinal CSF leak & arachnoiditis.

Nine years – that’s a long time.

Nine years of pain.
Nine years of endurance.
Nine years of medical support.
Nine years of a changed life.
Nine years of restrictions.
Nine years of daily struggle.
Nine years of trying to understand what actually happened to me that day & what has happened to my body since.

It’s not been easy. In fact it’s never easy. It’s always been hard.

And yet…

Nine years does become something of a new normal.

To the extent I have almost forgotten what it’s like to have a body where pain is absent, when you don’t have to spend all day every day managing distressing symptoms. When I had more choice about what to do and how to do it.

The current ‘normal’ has at least become more manageable. As I have learnt more about what is wrong, how to manage it, how to work with my body, accept it and make the most of the life I have. Now that I have treatments that help me to keep the worst debilitation at bay and to treat the radical relapses that can seemingly ‘take me back to the start’.

So as I reached my nine years anniversary I decided to connect again with others suffering. Whether at the start of your journey or many years in – I write for you to know that someone understands. Our lives and stories are always unique, and yet similar experiences do bring an affinity, That can help us to feel more seen and heard ourselves.

I also continue to write and make videos to educate others. Whether it’s those suffering, those caring for them, friends and family that are trying to understand or even the medical professionals that treat them. I know that true life stories can be powerful. To welcome someone into your world. To speak up for yourself and for others suffering like you.

Because if we are not heard then nothing will change.

And in the world of CSF leaks (& arachnoiditis) things still need to change – a lot. Much has already changed in nine years regarding spinal CSF leak research … and yet there is still so much further to go. The stories still regularly exist of people struggling to be listened to and diagnosed. Those simply not believed and shut out from the medical care they need. And those despairing because they can’t seem to get well however much treatment they may have because unfortunately the quicker you are diagnosed and treated the better the potential outcome of treatment.

So I firstly made a new video about a month ago. It’s quite a comprehensive update so it’s 30 mins long. This blog article is to compliment that and also enable people who do not speak English well to translate it more easily.

My videos and this blog post were also written in reflection and response to having had MRI’s from October 2023 reported by a neuroradiologist and my specialist consultant neurologist saying that they can still see my leak in the cervical and upper thoracic spine (extradural fluid) and it remains unchanged since my last CSF leak protocol MRI’s in September 2019. So that has confirmed that I am still leaking. This is why I wanted to focus this article and my video on my leak rather than my arachnoiditis symptoms. Although as I say in the video – it’s often so hard to really know which is which because of all the overlaps and also because my symptoms and scans point to both injuries being caused by the original ladder fall. So they developed together.

NINE YEARS WITH A SPINAL CSF LEAK YOUTUBE VIDEO
https://youtu.be/u5sVPPr1Rm4?si=lffBd05lc23dWMwM

Here is the content summary of the video which can be found below the video on YouTube and can be used to skip to different parts of interest.

VIDEO CONTENT SUMMARY

2:29 Arachnoiditis flares bring more classic postural CSF leak symptoms
2:48 I can be upright most of the day
3:06 Consistent and similar symptoms throughout the day
4:36 Arachnoiditis vs spinal CSF leak symptom confusion
5:40 Stopping invasive spinal procedures
11:11 Leak symptoms: Fuzzy/ dizzy/ dreamy equilibrium
11:38 Constant head pressure sensation
11:50 Neck stiffness
12:36 Phonophobia & Photophobia
13:06 Concentration and cognition limitations
13:42 Travel in cars and planes tough
14:50 Hyperreaction to ICP (intracranial pressure) changes
16:43 Can I still work?
19:16 There is still life and hope
20:40 I had 4-5 years of clear scans at start
21:40 Finding your own daily rhythm
23:53 Learning from others whilst understanding our uniqueness
25:50 ‘A marathon not a sprint.’
27:18 Be careful with getting fixated on getting fixed
28:02 There is a life to live even if you don’t get fixed
31:08 What about the future?

I am not going to write about all the content because I talk so much about it in my video. But I would like to reflect on a few important aspects of it.

SPINAL CSF LEAK SYMPTOMS

Firstly I talk quite a bit about some of my most prominent spinal CSF leak symptoms. The main problem I have in talking about them is that there is so much overlap with my arachnoiditis symptoms that it’s hard to always tell which is which.

Also these days many of my main symptoms are no longer so ‘classic’ in the sense that my headache is not postural anymore (unless I am in an arachnoiditis flare). And it’s also not ‘second half of the day’ in the sense that it gets worse the longer I am upright due to slowly loosing spinal fluid. I can actually be upright most of the day – although never without many symptoms. I do tend to lie down about 4-5pm but not because the headache has increased in intensity. But due to the fact I am utterly worn out by spending my whole day mainly on my feet. Managing my symptoms by keeping on moving about and walking around 10,000 steps a day. I cannot sit comfortably so lying down is my only chance to really rest. I do then lie down a lot of the evening to rest – but can get up to make and have dinner and do other things if I need to. I often do need to get up a bit or my lying down headache gets increasingly bad.

So really, my symptoms are pretty consistent throughout the day. I actually wake up with a headache, have headaches and feel pretty ill overnight if I am awake at all and have headaches lying down for any length of time – as I just said. So sometimes being upright improves my headache somewhat. As does walking and moving around.

For some reason staying in one position for any length of time makes all my symptoms worse – my head, neck & spine pressure increases, my thinking becomes cloudy and the pain quickly escalates to unbearable levels. Whether that’s standing, sitting or lying down. Although sitting is one of the worst positions for me that is perhaps more linked to the arachnoiditis. As is the typical need to keep on moving about to manage the pain, pressure and leg weakness that actually builds if I stay still. (Unless in a relapse – then walking causes my legs to get weaker).

My symptoms could also be somewhat affected by increased spinal fluid pressure (or volume) at times due to the arachnoiditis and subsequent CSF flow issues. And perhaps due to my body overcompensating in spinal fluid production due to the leak.

But it’s very very complex. And many doctors could only really theorise like I do. As a leak goes on long term (& during recovery) it can be very hard to differentiate higher or lower pressure (or volume) symptoms.

It is also possible that the leak helps somewhat regulate my pressure now. Like a natural shunt. Hence I could be at risk of a massive rebound high pressure issue if the leak was ever actually fixed.

STOPPING INVASIVE SPINAL PROCEDURES

Which brings me on to my next major point. The decision to stop further invasive spinal scans and procedures such as CT Myelogram (CTM), Digital Subtraction Myelogram, (DSM), epidural blood patches and surgeries. For me it’s just FAR too risky to the arachnoiditis.

I haven’t got the time to tell the story here – but I do on the video in the section where I talk about stopping invasive procedure’s. My last invasive spinal procedures were in September 2017. At that time I had a CTM And, we then followed up with a 40 ml blind epidural blood patch a week later. And I was subsequently in extreme pain which acute symptoms following both procedures. I had in fact been in a relapse prior to them. Which meant my undiagnosed arachnoiditis was in a massive flare up. Following the CTM I had a tonic clonic seizure in the recovery ward and was extremely ill and sick for the next 24 hours or so. All my normal symptoms were also made acutely worse. So we decided to try a lumbar EBP because we feared the lumbar puncture had perhaps given me a new leak & also in the hope it might have treated the old leak. That also caused me immense pain in my spine and head. I had to stay in hospital a number of days but struggled for months with severe head and spine pain we thought could perhaps be attributed to rebound high pressure. But in hindsight I think it was more complex than that because of the undiagnosed arachnoiditis.

So in summary – for me further invasive scans (that require LPs and contrast) are too risky. As are EBP and surgeries. Anything that goes anywhere near the leptomeninges feels too much risk of accelerating the arachnoiditis.

I do have friends with arachnoiditis who have had surgery on leaks and there were often complications which could often lead to the surgery failing or new leaks appearing perhaps due to the subsequent pressure surges. So it’s just not simple.

MONITORING FOR SUPERFICIAL SIDEROSIS

What could change that decision though is if I do develop Superficial Siderosis – which leak experts across the world are beginning to note as anything between 10-50% (and sometimes even more) likely from long term (especially ventral leaks which mine may well be). Especially those of 10-20 years. It’s an iron deposits (deposition of haemosiderin) build up in the brain or spinal canal from long term leaks or bleeds in the nervous system etc. And the only way to stop its progression would be to seal the leak.

But we shall cross that bridge if it comes and in the meantime I am having special MRIs to monitor for it.

HOPE FOR THOSE SUFFERING

Finally I wanted the video to provide some hope for those recently diagnosed or suffering with a spinal CSF leak long term. Because it’s often an awful thing to experience and the thought of living with something like this long-term just seems impossible. Which can often lead to utter despair and even suicidal thoughts.

So I wanted to say that you CAN live with this condition long-term. It is so very difficult. It’s so life changing and every day is spent managing symptoms and pain. Your life does have to change and that takes a long hard process of grief and letting go of who we once were. But I do believe we can learn to thrive despite it that doesn’t mean that we will feel like with thriving, but it can be a possibility and a part of our life again.

I actually made a video in the summer called ‘Learning to Thrive Despite Having a Chronic Illness’ which was all about the journey of learning how to discover a new way of life despite our injury, restrictions and challenges.

I never want to minimise how hard it is to accept our conditions and learn how to discover the best life we can despite them. I am also very grateful to be fortunate to currently have so much time out of bed, and still have the ability to walk so much which helps in what I am able to do. However, I haven’t always been able to do what I can now and have experienced many months and many years of spending a lot of my day if not all of my day in bed.

And in the end, we have no choice. We have to find a way to live like this because the only other option isn’t an option, especially when you have a family and children who need you.

I will keep on telling my story, and letting you know the twists and terms and the ups and downs of how it develops. The future is full of unknowns. It’s full of challenges which I have to both face the reality of, but also try not to think too much about.

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of it’s sorrow, it empties today of it’s strength.”

– Corrie ten Boom

So I will choose to keep on living life – for now WITH my spinal CSF leak and the arachnoiditis. And if I am to keep on living, I will try and find ways to keep on finding that:

Joy in living, despite the awful symptoms.
Contentment, despite the loss.
Peace, despite the constant noise of the pain.
And always pressing deeper into that Love, both spiritually & relationally that sustains us and gives us the strength and purpose to keep on going.

Even when some days are just really really hard.

“There is so much rejection, pain and woundedness among us, but once you choose to claim the joy hidden in the midst of all suffering, life becomes celebration. Joy never denies sadness, but transforms it to fertile soil for more joy.”

– Henri Nouwen

Here is my new summary video of my whole medical journey as well as footage of my January/ February 2021 adhesive arachnoiditis relapse/ flare and treatment with IV Steroids.

UK CSF LEAK CHARITY: https://www.csfleak.info/
US CSF LEAK CHARITY: https://spinalcsfleak.org/
SPINAL CSF LEAKS: Clinical Presentation, Investigation Findings, and Treatment Outcomes of Spontaneous Intracranial Hypotension Syndrome (NHNN authors): https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamaneurology/fullarticle/2774171
Please see this May 2018 medical paper about the 10 most common myths and misperceptions about spinal CSF leaks. It is by some of the top world experts in treating this condition.
ARACHNOIDITIS: ‘Arachnoiditis – Taming the Most Painful Pain’ Dr Forest Tennant video https://youtu.be/VGuS1iTuhLo​​
ARACHNOIDITIS: Suspecting & Diagnosing Arachnoiditis (J. Antonio Aldrete) https://www.practicalpainmanagement.com/pain/spine/suspecting-diagnosing-arachnoiditis

Arachnoiditis, Spinal CSF Leak

ARACHNOIDITIS RELAPSE AUGUST 2023 WITH ACUTE LOW PRESSURE HEADACHE FLARE – What is the connection?

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“Perseverance is rooted in hope. We persevere when we believe that what awaits us is worth the fight.” – Sarah Walton

Sadly, following just over a year with much more ‘stable baseline’ arachnoiditis/ CSF leak symptoms…

I finally succumbed to a new flare.

Another relapse.

And it was again … BAD.

Bad enough that a 10 day course of 40mg prednisolone (oral steroid) hardly touched it….Took the edge off maybe… But certainly couldn’t stop it!

That is the power of my arachnoiditis flares. Once established – they seem untouchable to halt.

… Until we use the IV Methylprednisolone 1g a day x3.

Until we hit the inflammation HARD & FAST.

That’s the only thing that seems to stop it in its tracks and subsequently reverse the relapse process… back into recovery.

I have again documented this flare with a new YouTube video (see below) made post IV treatment. But it includes some footage from the flare itself.

I make these videos to raise awareness, to educate, to continue to tell my story, inform others of my progress and also to process my own trauma.

Because it’s always traumatic.

To feel that abhorrently unwell. To feel so vulnerable and out of control. To be brutally reminded of the nightmare of dozens of previous relapses … and especially the trauma of the memories of the ones from before…

… from before we knew about the central nervous system inflammation. About the Arachnoiditis that seems to have been there from the start.

Hiding in plain sight for many years.

Before we understood – about the arachnoiditis inflammation and the way these flares always seems to take me right back into my acute low pressure/ spinal CSF leak symptoms.

Before we understood ALL that … I just had to endure, hold on and attempt not to deeply despair at the horrendous symptoms in my whole brain, spine, nervous system and whole body. That take me over and force me back to bed. Pretty much all day every day. And back then we didn’t really know how best to treat it. So I would often be like that for months.

It is easier now.

You see I have a ‘plan’.

The support of two great neurologists at two NHS trusts who work together to ensure I get access to the best treatment as fast as we can.

Also the oral prednisolone 40mg DID help! They stopped terrible symptoms getting totally and utterly unbearable with ‘relapse lightening speed’. But it couldn’t stop it. And the day I did stop it to have the IV later on. My symptoms crashed in super quick time.

RELAPSE TRIGGERS

The relapse started after a mix of long car journeys to see family across the U.K. Then on top of that walking into a door frame, bashing my knee HARD and jolting my spine. Thankfully I happened to have a follow up telephone appointment with my CSF leak specialist neurologist the day things really took a turn for the worse – so that really was helpful and another undeniable moment of divine providence I am so grateful for. So he recommended we ask my local Neurologist to arrange the IV. As is the arrangement. As is my medical protocol already established over the past 3 years.

This is my 4th IV in 3 years since I was diagnosed with arachnoiditis. Although in reality it’s always been there since my fall from a ladder in January 2015. That’s what my MRI’s show from March 2015 and that’s the story my symptoms tell me.

It’s always been the same story. From day 1 until now. The same pattern of the initial illness to every relapse ever since. Although my lumbar/ sacral/ leg/ feet/ bladder symptoms have got worse over the years too.

I had the IVs Methylprednisolone 1g Thursday 24th – Saturday 26th August 2023 on GPAU (General Practice Assessment Unit) at my local hospital.

And I am thankful to report that I am now doing a lot better.

It normally takes a couple of weeks to truly get back to ‘my normal baseline’ symptoms. And today as I am writing this we are two weeks post start of the IV. Nearly 4 weeks since this all started. I have just finished the prednisolone taper from 30mg down to 5mg and have just returned to 5mg every other day. Today is my first steroid free day in about 3 1/2 weeks. Although I have taken 75mg diclofenac today to cover me as I try and phase out the steroids back to my normal 5mg every other day. I have also recently returned to my normal 4.5ml of LDN. (Low Dose Naltrexone). (Just to note I also have had to use Zopiclone (sleeping tablet) 7.5mg at night when on higher dose steroids. Although my sleep is now improving again too).

I am finally beginning to feel like ‘my normal’ is pretty much back – give or take a slightly more spacey head at times. But that is also improving each day.

I am back to walking over 10k steps a day and doing lots around the house to keep me moving about. I am also slowly introducing more going out a bit further and will start driving short distances again soon.

So it’s good news.

It came.

It took me down.

We fought back.

We conquered.

I am recovering.

“Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into glory” – Philip Yancey

For all this I am extremely thankful. To have diagnosis’. (Arachnoiditis & a Spinal CSF leak). To have neurology support at two hospitals. To have a treatment plan that works. To have GP’s who understand.

It all helps so much. The major battles are already fought and won. I have my treatment plan and supportive doctors in my corner. But in reality there are always many small battles along the way. Making lots of calls, sending lots of emails, following up and explaining things again and again. Reminding medical staff I have to lie down as it can’t sit comfortably and can’t be upright at all early on in a flare. Lying down in the car to get to hospital as I cannot tolerate sitting up. Lying down in waiting rooms – hoping for enough chairs together that are free. Otherwise we carry a yoga mat for me to lie on the floor without getting completely dirty. Then there is the chaos at home of me not being able to do things … although even that is easier now my girls are 16 & 18 and can help so much more.

For all the easier things about my story I know I am blessed. I am one of the fortunate ones. Because this level of openminded medical support can be unheard of in the lives of people with suspected or actual arachnoiditis or AA (adhesive arachnoiditis). Still my doctors are all learning with me. But as we learn together the support gets more solid, more understanding. Which really does help counteract the trauma of many years of ‘doctors not understanding’ (as I wrote about so vividly here after counselling.)

So that is why I continue to share my story. I don’t take my privilege for granted: I try to raise awareness. To educate doctors, patients and family and friends. To connect with you in your immense struggle, confusion & despair. To show you ways and treatments that ‘might’ help you too – if you can find the right doctors to help you. To implore you to just keep ‘holding on’ … for years if that’s what it takes (like in my case)… because things can still get better in the end. There is always hope.

Everything I discuss in my videos is based on personal experience, years of symptom observations, plus my own research and listening to others stories. My experiences are unique and thus uniquely managed by my two neurology teams and two different Midlands UK NHS hospitals. So I cannot comment or offer any medical explanations, advice or diagnosis to others. I only share my own story in the hope it may help others on their unique journeys to more answers. I can only answer your questions according to my own limited experiences and the research I have done.

But from what some of you do tell me – sharing my story can help right? Just to know that somebody – somewhere – sometimes across vast oceans ‘gets it’. That they understand your deepest struggle, your most excruciating pain. The daily overwhelming choice to try and keep on finding ways to live despite the constant trauma, questions, confusion, misunderstandings and the deepest of pains.

So today I write to remind you that I really do understand. But these days – more than ever – 8 1/2 years on. I am learning to find a way through it – dare I say – to even THRIVE.

For these reasons my videos and articles are all fully public and can be shared with anyone, by anyone, on any platform. I also write to make translation easier because I know many non-English speakers are keen to follow my story too which is harder with the videos.

So here it is – here is my new video, I have included a content summary below so that people can more easily skip through and find the parts they are interested in.

WHY DO MY LOW PRESSURE / SPINAL CSF LEAK SYMPTOMS GET SO MUCH WORSE DURING MY ARACHNOIDITIS FLARES?

The video documents my recent arachnoiditis flare in August 2023. During this video I also consider the question as to why my low pressure headache/ spinal csf leak symptoms get equally acute during the flare. How does the increase in the inflammation and the physiological mechanisms at play cause me to revert to such distinct Spinal csf leak symptoms? As has always been the case in my medical history over the past 8 1/2 years since a ladder fall in January 2015.

In it I present some theories of my own as to why this happens so radically including:

  • I leak more due to higher pressure from inflammation
  • I seep more from the adhesive area or via my compromised Dura in that area.
  • The inflammation blocks my spinal fluid flow causing radical changes in ICP.
  • Or the one I discuss most in this video: that the inflammation pulls at my spinal cord – especially if the more adhesive area is trying to adhere further. Subsequently, bringing an increased ‘tethering sensation’ to my spine. Pulling my brain stem to create that ‘brain sag’ affect – the feeling of ‘my skull being pulled into my neck’. But then also ‘my sacrum being pulled into my lumbar spine’. Could it be that this process then blocks flow too? Causing very real sensation of my spine being tightened and clamped at my neck and sacrum which further supports this theory. Also interestingly I had some people who had previously had surgery for ‘tethered cord syndrome’ comment on one of my ‘bizzare symptoms’ videos telling me that my symptoms sounded like I had a tethered spinal cord. To which I replied – that would make sense if I have AA. Which everything points to me having – at least mildly.

But they are all just ‘theory’ because not enough research has been done. Not enough patients have been studied to really know. Although the more years that go on … the more I realise there is a lot of ‘medicine’ that is about hypotheses and theory. Although then there is the force of science that wants that evidence and proof to back it up.

But I guess that there is a sense in which – I am the evidence. My medical history, scans, test data and response to treatment are all part of ‘the science of my story’. Even if I may be a bit of an anomaly.

Please do comment, reply & let me know if you have any similar experiences – especially if you have both arachnoiditis / AA as well as a spinal CSF leak. Do you find your low pressure / spinal CSF leak symptoms get increasingly more acute when your arachnoiditis is flaring? Do steroids or anti-inflammatories help you too with all your symptoms?

The more we talk and discuss – the stronger our theories can become. So it helps me to hear your stories – as much as your hearing mind hopefully helps you.

  • Content Summary so video can be skimmed through.
  • 0:12 Relapse Intro
  • 1:06 Post flare recap
  • 1:52 WHY DO MY SPINAL CSF LEAK/ LOW PRESSURE SYMPTOMS
  • GET SO MUCH WORSE DURING MY ARACHNOIDITIS RELAPSES?
  • 2:00 Low pressure/ spinal CSF leak symptoms
  • 3:48 Explaining my acute low pressure symptoms during relapse
  • 5:50 Taking 40mg oral prednisolone (steroid)
  • 6:03 My legs are not working properly
  • 6:50 Relapse cause/ triggers: car travel then jolting spine
  • 11:38 Follow up call with Neurologist
  • 13:40 IV Methylprednisolone 1g IV x3 days on GPAU
  • 14:40 Do high dose steroids increase ICP?
  • 16:40 2 week prednisolone taper from 30mg to 5mg every other day normal dose
  • 18:42 Can you relate? Do you get similar symptoms? Please do comment or reply.

Please remember that all videos and articles can be shared with anyone, by anyone, on any platform. As they are all in public realm.

So this is where I say ‘goodbye for now’. I am sorry I don’t update my blogs and videos as much as I used to. But to be honest I often just don’t have the time or energy. I like to do this. I like my story having a wider purpose. But it is also a challenge to achieve amidst even my mildest daily symptoms. So forgive me when I don’t write or make videos for a while. It’s normally because I am just ‘trying to find ways to embrace the life I have.’ And thrive as much as I can within all the restrictions, pain, limitations and debilitation.

But I do want to end by saying…

THANK YOU!

Thank you for listening. Thank you for taking the time to enter into my world for a moment. Thank you for your grace and kindness in bearing with my ponderings, wrestling’s and many questions.

You are appreciated. You are valued. And you are loved.

“When we know we are loved we find it easy to love other people” John Sentamu

Please do make comments or ask questions on YouTube, here, my social media pages or on Facebook group pages and I will try to reply when I can

For the full summary of my medical history including ladder fall in January 2015, spinal CSF leak diagnosis and footage of my January 2021 arachnoiditis flare see this 5 min video:

ARACHNOIDITIS RESOURCES

‘Arachnoiditis – Taming the Most Painful Pain’ Dr Forest Tennant video https://youtu.be/VGuS1iTuhLo and ‘Arachnoiditis No Longer A Rare Disease’ https://www.practicalpainmanagement.com/pain/spine/adhesive-arachnoiditis-no-longer-rare-disease

Suspecting & Diagnosing Arachnoiditis (J. Antonio Aldrete) https://www.practicalpainmanagement.com/suspecting-diagnosing-arachnoiditis

IV STEROID TREATMENT PAPERS: Dr J. Antonio Aldrete also co-authored a comprehensive medical book called ‘ARACHNOIDITIS THE EVIDENCE REVEALED’ with a whole chapter (51) dedicated to the study of using IV Methylprednisolone in the acute stages of Arachnoiditis/ Adhesive Arachnoiditis to prevent further progression and damage. Another medical paper supporting the use of steroids in treating early stage arachnoiditis: Immunotherapies in chronic adhesive arachnoiditis – A case series and literature review https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2405650221000423?fbclid=IwAR0lAuYagMPknv0pATPQ1dvOt_b0VlIEn6yxJx-DJ9o22EDb45LHJYuH9mg And another case where IV methylprednisolone was successfully used: Idiopathic Arachnoiditis of the Cauda Equina: A Case Report from Tanzania https://www.karger.com/Article/FullText/518379?fbclid=IwAR32EN7tPQD3iKOO9I8bI05ylXvuy-yjLsDyVlmESVJsW63y_j1IqAuFxDo

SPINAL CSF LEAK INFO: Here is a brilliant 2 min animation about Spinal CSF leaks. For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org. Please see this May 2018 medical paper about the 10 most common myths and misperceptions about spinal CSF leaks. It is by some of the top world experts in treating this condition.

Arachnoiditis, Spinal CSF Leak

24 BIZZARE ARACHNOIDITIS & CSF PRESSURE SYMPTOMS

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In this new blog post I want to introduce you to two of my videos, made in the past year, that attempt to describe some of my stranger or more ‘bizarre’ symptoms and how I manage them. The videos mention 12 symptoms each. So I have titled this blog post ’24 bizarre symptoms’ although there is certainly some overlap in some of the ones mentioned. This is by no means a definitive list – simply an attempt to list around 12 at a time to try and connect with others suffering and raise more awareness of these conditions.

Some of the symptoms are also more ‘bizarre’ than others.

Although they are all my normality.

I have been diagnosed with arachnoiditis (mildly adhesive) and a spinal CSF leak. I continue under the care of two UK NHS neurologists at two midlands NHS hospitals. They work together to oversee my care and my ongoing treatment with oral and IV steroids as talked about in previous articles.

People with spinal CSF leaks, arachnoiditis, AA (adhesive arachnoiditis), tarlov cysts and other similar conditions regularly comment on my videos on YouTube or via my social media posts on the videos. When people have watched these two symptom videos, they often express that they experience all these symptoms, or many of them, and appreciate me trying to explain what they often find so hard to put into words.

That is the privilege of being something of a public communicator and having the ability and capacity to both write and make videos. I have thus found an opportunity to be a public voice for people who often feel like they have no, or a very little, voice.

It actually also encourages me when people comment or reply because we can then share those ‘me too’ moments. There is always a deeper community discovered in the mutual understanding and experience.

We feel less alone when we meet others like us.

I am also well aware that I am in the very privileged position of currently not being so severe as others symptomatically. I regularly hear from people who are mainly stuck in bed or who can hardly walk at all – due to a leak or AA. I never take for granted how functional I currently am – when not in a flare/ relapse. However, I have also certainly known debilitation that has left me bedridden for months at a time. I have also known excruciating 24/7 pain – not only when upright – but all day and all night due to the arachnoiditis flaring on top of a leak and ongoing CSF pressure and flow issues.

So although my case may currently seem comparatively mild compared to others who can only dream of being upright most of the day or walk 10k steps each day. I have certainly tasted of much worse than this, and still occasionally end up back there when I do flare/ relapse. And who knows where things will progress in the future…

… and in that regard I have to train my mind not to dwell on the fears of the unseen and the unknowns of the future. There is always hope – and we never know what medical breakthroughs might one day arise.

“Today is mine. Tomorrow is none of my business. If I peer anxiously into the fog of the future, I will strain my spiritual eyes so that I will not see clearly what is required of me now.”

– Elisabeth Elliott

I do remain exceedingly grateful that we have found a way to manage and treat the arachnoiditis, in particular, that has improved my quality of life so much and also is hopefully stopping a much quicker progression into more severe AA.

So I again write this article with compassion, empathy, love and gratitude. For where I am at – and the privileged position I am in – yet also mindful of the even worse acute pain some of you are living with each and every day. I do understand and relate in so many ways. Even when our stories might be quite different.

These symptom lists should show – although I am comparatively functional – I am still immensely restricted. Nearly every part of my life is impacted by the need to manage this condition – to stop the pain, immense challenges and restrictions overwhelming me.

There is a sense in which this ‘symptom profile’ is just my daily normality. You really do just get used to it to a certain extent! However, sometimes voicing and listing them can also be liberating, in allowing my mind to recognise the immense difficulties in living this way.

Even typing this at the moment on the laptop is an endurance test…

My lumber pain is building to intolerable levels, as is my neck pain. The metaphoric clamp in my neck and sacrum is being tightened, my spine feels so ridiculously tense and pulled. My legs are getting increasingly tingly and feel weird. I am becoming more and more aware of the discomfort of my feet touching the ground (as it is still slightly easier to use the laptop standing). My head is getting increasingly full, and the tension from my neck is extending to a band like tension behind my eyes. My eyes hurt, my concentration is beginning to fail as my head feels fuller – and reality becomes more cloudy, hazy and distant. My body is also feeling increasingly overwhelmingly hot as I try and push through another sentence or two.

And I have only been standing here typing for about 20- 30 mins max.  

That’s how restrictive this is. Gone are the days of working on a computer all day or sitting down for extended times to work.

That is no longer possible for me.

So for now I will have to step back from this for a time, to move around, go for a walk… anything but endure the pain, distress and nausea I am subjecting my body to in pushing through to write for 20- 30mins.

So bye in this moment… I will be back again soon.

…………..

So 40 mins on since I wrote the above – I have moved around more again and went out for a 20-30min walk. As I left the house my head was so full and things felt more distant and intense. As I walked I felt really sleepy and was constantly yawning for about the first 10 mins and my ears, crackled and popped as my pressure attempted to equalise more. It never fully does – my head is always full of pressure to a certain extent – but after about 10-15mins I found I was yawning less and focused on walking more.

To be honest – many of my long daily walks are like taking medicine or doing physio. They are a need rather than always enjoyable. Something that needs to happen – even when much of my body would probably prefer to lie down in bed or lie on the sofa and watch TV. But I have learnt that walking is better for my body, mind and symptom management. The reality is that I could probably relax at first lying down … but the longer I do so, the more likely I will get an awful headache lying down too. Especially if I try and do anything like write on my phone, read or edit videos.

It’s the vicious circle. The constant need to change position. To move about as much as I can.

So for me – earlier in the day – the more walking the better. Because later on – I will probably just not have the energy any more. And walking when it’s dark (especially in the winter) is never so good.

It’s a challenging life. But one which I try and make the best of.

Some days I do love to walk. I am so grateful to still have that ability and for the nature, trees, sky, beauty and for those moments alone to think, pray or listen or to talk with a friend or loved one.

Other days I only do so because I know I must.

Like taking a horrible medicine or exercising when you would rather be in bed.

Because I do know it helps me – a lot. And one of my greatest desires is to help myself manage all this as much as I can.

But it IS exhausting living like this.

But so much better than the alternative – the days of being housebound and stuck in bed.

So I must remember to stay grateful for each and every step and the freedom they bring.

So there again is a written glimpse into some of the challenges I face each and every day. However, for now the time has come to move from written – to spoken words. To share my two videos on some of the multitudes of symptoms I experience daily.

What is caused directly by the arachnoiditis/ AA, what is a small leak still there, CSF flow issues or CSF pressure issues. I cannot always say for sure.

We ‘chronically ill’ spend much time deliberating, analysing and wondering what causes each and every symptom. Sometimes, over time, the picture becomes clearer – albeit still somewhat muddled.

This is my own unique experience and interpretation of the strange sensations in my broken body.

But I must add a disclaimer…

‘Who really knows’ what is what or why and which is from what?

Does it always truly matter anyway?

I have come to see and learn that this is a big part of medicine itself – hypothesis, analysis, deliberation & discovery. Sometimes the evidence does provide an explanation. Sometimes we are left with only theory and wonderings. Especially in conditions that are poorly understood, recognised or researched – like mine are.

VIDEO 1: APRIL 2022 -12 BIZARRE ARACHNOIDITIS & CSF PRESSURE SYMPTOMS – Including my Covid and holiday flight experiences

In this video I discuss twelve of my most prominent – but bizarre – daily symptoms. I also seem to suffer with some high intracranial pressure issues these days as well as possible low pressure – but it’s confusing as to which is which and after 8 years of suffering since my accident (a ladder fall). So all I am really clear on – is that my whole intracranial pressure system is completely dysfunctional and unbalanced in many ways.

I also update on my case including: Having Covid in March 2022 and flying to Mallorca (2 1/2 hr flight) for a family holiday in April 2022.

Video content Summary:

  • 1:40 – Having Covid March 2022
  • 4:23 – Family holiday to Mallorca Spain including flight
  • 7:50 – 1.I have felt drunk for seven years
  • 9:19 – 2.I usually feel weird: pressure & pain
  • 10:48 – 3.Stiffness, stuckness & pulling sensation in my spine (11:48 Tarlov Cysts)
  • 12:09 – 4.Sitting down aggravates all my symptoms & legs go numb
  • 14:17 – 5.When I sit I am better leaning forward on hard chairs or with a wedge cushion
  • 16:50 – 6.Standing in one position too long makes me feel really ill
  • 18:25 – 7.I constantly feel compelled to move around
  • 20:35 – 8.I get headaches & feel groggy in the nights & in the morning
  • 22:09 – 9.My skin often has crawling pins & needles sensation
  • 24:00 – 10.Going for a wee makes my head worse
  • 25:54 – 11.My head is very hypersensitive to any ICP (Intracranial Pressure) changes
  • 27:52 -12.My eyes & brain are supersensitive to lights & moving images

VIDEO 2: FEBRUARY 2023 – 12 MORE BIZARRE ARACHNOIDITIS & CSF PRESSURE SYMPTOMS: Including a case update

In this video I discuss twelve more of my most prominent – but bizarre – daily symptoms.

Video content Summary (sorry some of the numbers got mixed up):

  • 2:58 – Case Update
  • 5:12 – Current Meds
  • 6:14 – Walking still helps
  • 7:56 – 12 More Bizarre Symptoms intro
  • 8:32 – 1. Hypersensitivity to stress & intense emotion
  • 11:10 – 2.Feeling like I have a clamped steel rod in my spine
  • 12:16 – 3.Stiffness & pulling in my neck
  • 13:46 – 5.Crouching really flares my symptoms
  • 16:49 – 6 Speed bumps make me feel really ill
  • 18:32 – (4)Moving images makes me feel really sick
  • 19:20 – 7.Hypersensitivity to noise
  • 20:33 – 8.My ears regularly crackle & pop
  • 21:52 – 9.Bladder urgency & retention
  • 23:20 – 11.Have to carry bags into me
  • 25:14 -12.Lie on my side with pillows
  • 26:00 – (10)Log roll in and out of bed to protect spine

So there is another 24 of my strange – often bizarre – symptoms. Most of which have always been there the whole 8 years. Others which have developed or at least worsened over those years. It is by no means an exhaustive list. So maybe sometime I will add some more…

For instance I could mention how the sensation / neuropathy issues in my feet have gotten somewhat worse. How I can no longer tolerate walking bare foot or with just socks on around the house. How the sensation is both impaired yet also gives me differing levels of pain & discomfort. Or I could tell you about having to choose what I wear carefully. How certain clothes, fabrics or styles are hard to tolerate on my hypersensitive skin these days. Or finally I could lament the fact that my body is often hypersensitive to pain and touch. This gets acute in a flare – but to a certain extent it’s constantly there.

But for now 24 is more than enough to welcome you into my daily world.

And I will finish by asking – what about you?

Some of you have already responded and commented and I appreciate that so very much. I am always very willing to listen and learn from your own experiences too. Can you relate to my descriptions – even if your case is worse – or even milder than mine? Please do comment or reply so that we can all continue to learn together.

For together always has more strength than standing and speaking alone.

Even the weak become strong when they are united.

– Friedrich von Schiller

Please do make comments or ask questions on YouTube, here, my social media pages or on Facebook group pages and I will try to reply when I can

For the full summary of my medical history including ladder fall in January 2015, spinal CSF leak diagnosis and footage of my January 2021 arachnoiditis flare see this 5 min video.

ARACHNOIDITIS RESOURCES

‘Arachnoiditis – Taming the Most Painful Pain’ Dr Forest Tennant video https://youtu.be/VGuS1iTuhLo and ‘Arachnoiditis No Longer A Rare Disease’ https://www.practicalpainmanagement.com/pain/spine/adhesive-arachnoiditis-no-longer-rare-disease

The Arachnoiditis Syndrome – Dr Sarah Smith UK https://arachnoiditis.co.uk/index.php/information/medical-papers-2/124-the-arachnoiditis-syndrome-dr-sarah-smith

Suspecting & Diagnosing Arachnoiditis (J. Antonio Aldrete) https://www.practicalpainmanagement.com/suspecting-diagnosing-arachnoiditis

IV STEROID TREATMENT PAPERS: Dr J. Antonio Aldrete also co-authored a comprehensive medical book called ‘ARACHNOIDITIS THE EVIDENCE REVEALED’ with a whole chapter (51) dedicated to the study of using IV Methylprednisolone in the acute stages of Arachnoiditis/ Adhesive Arachnoiditis to prevent further progression and damage. Another medical paper supporting the use of steroids in treating early stage arachnoiditis: Immunotherapies in chronic adhesive arachnoiditis – A case series and literature review https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2405650221000423?fbclid=IwAR0lAuYagMPknv0pATPQ1dvOt_b0VlIEn6yxJx-DJ9o22EDb45LHJYuH9mg And another case where IV methylprednisolone was successfully used: Idiopathic Arachnoiditis of the Cauda Equina: A Case Report from Tanzania https://www.karger.com/Article/FullText/518379?fbclid=IwAR32EN7tPQD3iKOO9I8bI05ylXvuy-yjLsDyVlmESVJsW63y_j1IqAuFxDo

Arachnoiditis

ARACHNOIDITIS FLARE & IV METHYLPREDNISOLONE TREATMENT – July 2022 Video Diaries

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So my body decided this last week – perhaps seeing as it’s ARACHNOIDITIS AWARENESS MONTH 2022 – to completely relapse in typically explosive fashion! The full flare burst in on Tuesday following a slow deterioration after travelling a couple of hours by car to see my specialist Spinal CSF Leak neurologist (who also leads on my Arachnoiditis care) and having a neuro examination last Friday.

The neurological examination included straight leg raises, leg strength tests, reflexes, sensation tests etc.

I wonder if my body was slightly more vulnerable because I had slightly lowered my steroids and LDN over recent weeks. I often take 10mg of prednisolone if I am going on a long car journey – but didn’t this time. I only took 5mg. Then the travelling, neurological examination then the car journey the next day (as we stayed over in a hotel to break up the journey) was the final trigger to the almighty flare.

By the Saturday morning I was already feeling worse and the car journey home harder. And then things slowly deteriorated until the full symptom explosion on Tuesday.

It was so tough to be back there again – in a massive relapse – after a much better and more stable 18 months.

I am extremely grateful for the swift response of my local neurologist who supports me with the help of my CSF leak neurologist. They are the ones who treat me locally with IV methylprednisolone. She responded the same day we reported the relapse and set in motion the previous-agreed treatment plan (3 day course methylprednisolone (steroid) 1g bag a day).

Unfortunately though, the day ward at my local hospital didn’t have any beds until the next Wednesday so we tried A&E Friday after being redirected by them if I needed more urgent care. Thankfully it was unusually quiet at 10:30am and after speedy assessment I was quickly moved to a quiet dark room on GPAU (GP ASSESSMENT UNIT) and after lots of waiting, seeing a medical doctor and neurologist and after various examinations/ blood tests I was finally given the steroids at about 7:45pm that evening. I then went back on the Saturday and Sunday for the full course – which were much quicker. Those IV’s only took about 1 hour.

I am very thankful to both my consultants, and the doctors and medical staff I saw that day, who enabled access to this level of rapid care. It is my quickest treatment and acute symptom reversal to date. What used to take many weeks or months to slowly improve (& often not fully) is now is happening in a week.

Which really is a miracle to me.

I am so pleased to report that the results of the steroid treatment were again were radical, in completely reversing and turning around the flare.

Rapid treatment of flares is the key to stop further damage (nerve clumping and adhesions) and allows me to recover more quickly as I lose less conditioning – so it’s been good to find a new possible treatment pathway IF the day ward is not able to help so quickly.

To raise awareness I have made video and photo diaries from the past week of relapse symptom progression and the impact of the IV steroids (1 gram bag of methylprednisolone x3 over 3 days). My hope is that in time more people can be diagnosed far quicker than the 5 1/2 years it took me and get access to similar treatment whilst the condition is still more able to respond.

There are of course many risks to high dose and long term steroid use especially osteoporosis, adrenal gland issues and many other things. This does mean steroid treatment is not something to be taken lightly. But in my eyes – the risks to my body of further nerve clumping and adhesions in my lumbar spine that could leave me at least partially – if not fully paralysed and in constant intractable pain and thus bed bound – is a MUCH greater risk. To my body, mental health and even an osteoporosis risk in itself if I can’t walk. So the use of steroids must be carefully managed by an experienced medical team – but if they both radically improve the AA symptoms, neuro inflammation damage, quality of life, general health and mental health long term – to me it is worth the risk.

My hope is that in time as Arachnoiditis / Adhesive Arachnoiditis is more recognised, diagnosed and researched that more medications may become available that have less risks long term. This is what has happened with other neuro inflammatory conditions like MS or other inflammatory conditions such as rheumatoid arthritis or crohn’s / colitis. But that is partly because many more people suffer from these conditions and there is much more research and clinical trials done.

The new video is a 25min video in total because it includes video and photo diaries of my whole journey from relapse explosion to post IV recovery. But the information below the video in YouTube has chapter summary’s which allows you to skip through to different parts for ease and speed. And also enables people to go back to particular parts of interest.

https://youtu.be/UV8wHX26XgQ

These are the chapter summaries with timings:

  • 0:22 Day 1 of Arachnoiditis symptom explosion – back, neck, head pain, weak legs, burning feet, low pressure headache, cognitive issues
  • 2:08 Day 2 of symptom explosion – spoke to neurologist who will arrange IV methylprednisolone
  • 3:23 Key symptoms – Tingling, cold, burning feet. Walking getting worse, feet not working properly, trip hazard, neck burning/ stiffness
  • 5:25 Day 3 of relapse – Increasing photophobia, lumbar and neck pain horrendous, pins and needles everywhere, wee makes head worse.
  • 7:09 20mg prednisolone, 50mg diclofenac, 50mg pregabalin & 4.5ml LDN
  • 7:25 Video of me struggling to walk
  • 8:05 Twitching/ jolting/ electric shock sensation – take 2mg diazepam
  • 9:36 Struggling to walk up stairs
  • 10:06 Day 4 of flare – really struggling. Go to A&E and moved to GPAU.
  • 11:52 First dose of 1 gram bag of IV methylprednisolone on GPAU unit at local hospital
  • 12:23 Day 2 of IV steroid treatment including update on recovery morning after first lot
  • 16:20 Photos of receiving second dose of IV steroids
  • 16:39 Stairs walking much improved
  • 16:48 Day 3 of IV steroid treatment including update on recovery morning after 2nd dose
  • 18:58 Final 1 gram bag of methylprednisolone at GPAU unit
  • 19:05 Final update on recovery

My hope in making and sharing these videos is that awareness is raised. That patients, their families & friends, doctors, medical staff and the general public are educated and that more people with arachnoiditis can get diagnosed and treated. Especially before the condition often becomes more untreatable as it progresses.

It took me 5 1/2 years to get diagnosed with Arachnoiditis after my initial ladder fall and spinal CSF leak onset. Because of that I already have permanent damage to my spine/ nervous system. I battle constant pain, spinal fluid flow issues, I cannot comfortably sit down any more. My neurologist still believes I probably also have the small CSF leak shown on my last full protocol spinal CSF leak MRI’s in September 2019. Which probably complicates things further. My whole Intracranial Pressure System is completely dysregulated.

And yet the Arachnoiditis is still mild enough AA that I can still respond radically to steroid treatment of the acute flares. And we can hopefully now stop more rapid progression into more debilitating AA happening soon.

So I also make videos and share my story here to give others hope. Things can improve.

Please don’t give up!

It is such a hard, deeply painful, grief full, life altering journey to go on…

But an arachnoiditis/ AA diagnosis is not the end!

We are all learning together. And in time – maybe if we all can do our bit to raise awareness. To educate. To keep on fighting even when we just want to give up. Then things just might get easier for us and those patients coming behind us in the future.

So that together we can change the outcome for at least one desperate, struggling and broken soul with – or yet to be diagnosed – with arachnoiditis/ AA.

“Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how.’” 

Viktor E. Frankl, “Man’s Search for Meaning”

“Perseverance is rooted in hope. We persevere when we believe that what awaits us is worth the fight.”

– Sarah Walton

Please do make comments or ask questions on YouTube, here, my social media pages or on Facebook group pages and I will try to reply when I can

For the full summary of my medical history including ladder fall in January 2015, spinal CSF leak diagnosis and footage of my January 2021 arachnoiditis flare see this 5 min video.

ARACHNOIDITIS RESOURCES

‘Arachnoiditis – Taming the Most Painful Pain’ Dr Forest Tennant video https://youtu.be/VGuS1iTuhLo and ‘Arachnoiditis No Longer A Rare Disease’ https://www.practicalpainmanagement.com/pain/spine/adhesive-arachnoiditis-no-longer-rare-disease

Suspecting & Diagnosing Arachnoiditis (J. Antonio Aldrete) https://www.practicalpainmanagement.com/suspecting-diagnosing-arachnoiditis

IV STEROID TREATMENT PAPERS: Dr J. Antonio Aldrete also co-authored a comprehensive medical book called ‘ARACHNOIDITIS THE EVIDENCE REVEALED’ with a whole chapter (51) dedicated to the study of using IV Methylprednisolone in the acute stages of Arachnoiditis/ Adhesive Arachnoiditis to prevent further progression and damage. Another medical paper supporting the use of steroids in treating early stage arachnoiditis: Immunotherapies in chronic adhesive arachnoiditis – A case series and literature review https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2405650221000423?fbclid=IwAR0lAuYagMPknv0pATPQ1dvOt_b0VlIEn6yxJx-DJ9o22EDb45LHJYuH9mg And another case where IV methylprednisolone was successfully used: Idiopathic Arachnoiditis of the Cauda Equina: A Case Report from Tanzania https://www.karger.com/Article/FullText/518379?fbclid=IwAR32EN7tPQD3iKOO9I8bI05ylXvuy-yjLsDyVlmESVJsW63y_j1IqAuFxDo

Arachnoiditis, Spinal CSF Leak

Seven Years Since My Accident: Spinal CSF leak & Arachnoiditis

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“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” – Søren Kierkegaard

It’s now over seven years since I got ill.

Seven years… it’s such a long time right?

I never imagined seven years ago the way our lives would be so altered in one day.

In hindsight I don’t see the accident as the only culprit for these life altering diagnosis. Yes, the fall seemed to be the trigger. However, the more I have understood the conditions and my potential biological predispositions. The more I realise that it may well have been an injury waiting to happen. And if not THAT day and that fall…

It would perhaps have been another day, another trigger, that created a similar ‘explosion’ of symptoms, a leak, of an arachnoid inflammatory response.

I do have multiple thoracic micro bone spurs in my spine pressing into my dura (that holds my spinal fluid). As seen on a thoracic CT. So it was probably always going to be a risk that one day one might penetrate the dura. Or if not the bone spurs… maybe a spinal cyst (of which I have many) or some other dural weakness.

So as the quote above says … we DO often understand better backwards. Hindsight is often a great revealer – we often see things with more clarity the further on we go! And that can really help – so long as we don’t get stuck in that past, in the memories we can’t change, in the moments now passed. Instead we must choose to accept what has happened, attempt to reframe it and find the best way forward we can…

Despite it! Despite it all.

So that’s what I – what we – have chosen to do.

To reflect.

To accept.

To grieve.

Then…

Let go.

Move on.

And embrace the life we have!

I have been meaning to write this blog update for a while. Well at least since I made these last two videos for my YouTube channel. The first one I published in January is with my husband Matt and was a reflection on seven years since my original accident (a ladder fall) and trigger for the spinal CSF leak & arachnoiditis. The second video was a slightly longer video documenting how I manage my daily arachnoiditis & CSF flow/ intracranial pressure issues.

To make the videos easier to navigate I have included a breakdown summary in the video info section on YouTube. I will add a record of the video summary’s here. To to be able to skip to different parts you will need to view the video on YouTube directly by clicking on the YouTube link and take a look at the info section below the videos.

SEVEN YEARS SINCE MY ACCIDENT – A Reflection With My Husband

A reflective discussion with my husband Matt Hill about the challenges and positives of the past seven years since my ladder fall and development of a spinal CSF leak and arachnoiditis.

Summary of my accident and diagnosis. 1:00 min

1. What’s been one of the hardest parts of the last seven years? 2:18

2. What has been one of the positives of such a difficult journey? 7:00

3. What advice would you give to other spouses/ partners/ family members in this kind of situation? 9:30

MANAGING MY ARACHNOIDITIS – How I Manage My Daily Symptoms

This video is an update on my arachnoiditis/ mild adhesive arachnoiditis (AA) and how I manage to ongoing daily symptoms. I have not had a major flare in over a year but I do have many ongoing daily symptoms I have to micro-manage throughout the day to get the most out of my time.

Here is a breakdown of content you can skip to in video info on YouTube. The numbers signify number of minutes into the video:

0:28 Seven years of arachnoiditis/ mild AA

1:16 Current medication

1:57 Vitamins/ supplements/ diet

2:08 Walking physio

2:32 When people ask: How are you doing?

4:09 What does it feel like to have arachnoiditis/AA/ Spinal CSF Leak (active or in recovery)?

5:18 How did my fall cause arachnoiditis?

6:49 What does the arachnoiditis pain feel like?

9:49 CSF/ Spinal fluid flow issues

11:24 Standing is normally a better position for me

12:46 Higher Intracranial pressure (ICP) issues/ symptoms – common to those with arachnoiditis/ tarlov cysts and post spinal CSF leak

15:02 Problems with focus & concentration

18:33 How about driving a car?

19:07 Do I ever feel normal?

21:09 Do I have fears for the future?

I hope that the videos are helpful to others out there with both spinal CSF leaks / arachnoiditis or any other physical or mental health condition. It really is not at all easy navigating such conditions which is one of the reasons I choose to share my story. As you will see and have read previously, I am very blessed and privileged to have a very supportive husband, family and wider support network in our church and other supportive friends – both around me and online.

I really do believe we need others to make it through the immense challenges of these conditions.

So if you do feel alone today I would really recommend trying to find others to connect to – both around you or online through support groups. There are many groups available via Facebook groups, Twitter and other forums. Please don’t stay isolated if you do need support.

…And please don’t stay silent either.

Talking or writing really can help. Whether you show others or not. I am in a privileged position to be able to share my story publicly – others are not. But I hope that even when you can’t ‘find the words’ that my words might connect with you. So that you know you really are not alone. There are others – some better off and others worse off than you. Across the world many others are trying to find their way through dealing with and managing these conditions and their devastation on our lives.

I am thankful that in 2022 we have the internet to help us find one another so that our collective experience and voice might become even more powerful and increasingly louder – until more people are reached, understood and helped – both medically and holistically. So please do share my story with anyone who might listen – if you think it will help you and the cause in general.

Compassion and advocacy starts with you, and I, telling our stories and hoping that through them others might well be saved some of the additional pain we have had to face. We will then realise more and more that we face these awful illnesses TOGETHER and together we are surely so much stronger than trying to fight alone.

“Sit with hurting people. Offer them your presence. Show them you’re connecting to their pain. Listen to what they need. Weep with them. It won’t make them feel worse; it will make them feel welcomed into communion with you.” – Katherine & Jay Wolf

“My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.” -Psalms‬ ‭73:26‬ ‭NLT‬‬

See this 5min video for a summary of my medical history from that ladder fall in January 2015.

For more posts of my arachnoiditis diagnosis please see the arachnoiditis menu above.

ARACHNOIDITIS INFO: ‘Arachnoiditis – Taming the Most Painful Pain’ Dr Forest Tennant video and Suspecting & Diagnosing Arachnoiditis (J. Antonio Aldrete) and The Arachnoiditis Syndrome (Dr Sarah Smith)

A medical paper supporting the use of steroids in treating early stage arachnoiditis and in the prevention of further adhesive arachnoiditis: Immunotherapies in chronic adhesive arachnoiditis – A case series and literature review . And another case where IV methylprednisolone was successfully used: Idiopathic Arachnoiditis of the Cauda Equina: A Case Report from Tanzania or see ‘Arachnoiditis: The Evidence Revealed’ by J. Antonio Aldrete,

For more previous posts about my story of living with a spinal CSF Leak (from before we understood the arachnoiditis element) please look at the subject heading on the menu bar above.

SPINAL CSF LEAK INFO: Here is a brilliant 2 min animation about Spinal CSF leaks. For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org.

Arachnoiditis, Spinal CSF Leak

ARACHNOIDITIS UPDATE: ONE YEAR SINCE DIAGNOSIS

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A few weeks ago I decided to do a new video update on my case to mark my progress a year after I was first diagnosed with arachnoiditis, and six months since my last flare, IV steroid treatment and the start of my making videos about my case. It’s taken me a few weeks to then add to this video with this additional expanded update in writing.

Sometimes I feel like it takes ‘an essay’ to give a more substantial picture of how things are. Videos help that as I can add quite detailed explanations. However, writing can also provide a different avenue which allows further explanation and summary of how things really are.

So to start off with I wanted to share my seven minute video update, then I will expand on what I have said in that with a few more details and explanations. https://youtu.be/Qa2RwmwYTDo

As you will see – it’s very good news for me on so many levels.

Compared to how things were last year and especially around the time of the admission that prompted the diagnosis… things are substantially better in so many ways. My symptoms ‘across the board – in my head, spine & legs’ are substantially better and more controlled. I can do between 9-12 hours upright in one go and then more again after that if I lie down for 1-2 hours to rest. I walk around 7-12km a day over 2-3 long walks. My head is clearer, I do not suffer with as much fatigue or so many debilitating headaches. I have been able to travel for holiday and to visit family in the UK (although this in reality remains very hard). I can do and achieve more ‘normal life activities’ than I probably have been able to do since my accident.

However…

When you are chronically ill there are often no simple answers to explain your current experience of life. Yes I usually ‘look well’ at the moment to most outsiders. But ‘looking well’ masks a hidden reality of constantly managing what I do and can’t do. What position/ posture I can stay in, to try and get the ‘best outcome’ of symptom stability.

My daily living is dictated by constant micro & macro self-management decisions & deliberate plans to help my body utilise its abilities rather than constantly be restricted by its disabilities.

I gave up on ‘normal’ a long time ago.

Since my accident (a ladder fall) in January 2015 I have not had one day I have felt ‘normal’ … like I used to before that day I fell. A time without any neurological issues in my head & spine. I cannot even remember what ‘normal’ feels like to be honest. I watch people sitting down comfortably or relaxing on a recliner chair with their head up and think ‘how do you do that?’ It’s just so uncomfortable for me to sit or recline (unless fully flat on my side). So it’s just not relaxing! I have become used to standing, moving around, walking, being quiet, lying down. I have got somewhat used to the unnerving constant pressure and subsequent ‘dreamy/ foggy’ feeling in my head. The constant stiffness, pain, tension and pulling in my spine.

This is my ‘normal’ which is far from normal… And yet I live A LOT closer to ‘normal’ than I probably ever have done in the past six years. I have found ways and means to bring balance, symptom management & utilise my broken body to the best of its capacity.

…And that has been LIBERATING!!

I am doing well for me!

A New Way Of Living

I have found ways of living that generally work with and around my limitations, frustrations and restrictions. It’s often a quieter way of life … a long way from the busy, outgoing, energetic, packed full life I used to live… but full of many things I love and value all the same.

Through accepting my limitations – and not trying to constantly ‘push against them’ I can often find a ‘way to make it work’ … as long as I am realistic about what my body and brain can do.

Understanding Empowers

Understanding and treating the arachnoiditis more has been revolutionary to more physical and mental stability in my life. My body & its many issues are much less of an enigma to me … we have more answers and I have learnt to ‘flow with’ the illness more rather than do things that make things worse.

The Problem With Staying in One Position

For instance… today I am typing this in my iPhone notes… and because I am standing, mainly in one position, with my neck slightly bent & arms raised to hold my phone… the pressure is building in my head, upper neck & lower spine, the pain is increasing behind my eyes, neck & lumbar spine until I start to feel like my head wants to burst, my ears need to pop and sometimes a wave of nausea begins to come. The pins and needles & numbness are also increasing in my legs … so I am feeling that normal ‘arachnoiditis agitation & restlessness’ increasing.

But these days I know the answer to help alleviate these increasing symptoms … it is to walk, to move around. To allow my spinal fluid/ circulation or whatever is hindered to flow again more freely.

Then I can come back to this task later.

I have learnt to accept that my concentration can only remain consistent in one position for so long. But if I learn to do things in shorter bursts – 20mins here – 30 mins there… with breaks to move around and maybe do some simple housework in between…

…then I will get more done.

It works for me because I mix any church admin, preparation or other work or admin in with general housework, standing gardening, cooking, shopping or sorting things to help my body through moving about again at regular intervals.

To some people it might look like anxious or restless behaviour… and I think I could be ‘seen’ like that by others before. But in reality the constant moving about is mainly a biological manifestation to stop the aggravation of increased physical symptoms and pain from staying in one position too long.

Other Symptom Aggravators

I have to manage bending, straining, raising my voice, singing, what I carry, how fast I walk, how long I sit, using the loo, how far I drive or travel as a passenger, fast moving images (even scrolling on my phone or on the computer can make me feel nauseous), loud noise and bright lights etc… all things that exacerbate my symptoms. So need careful management.

Walking is really helpful for my lumbar spine, legs and general fitness but it can at times also flare my head pressure – especially if I walk too fast, try talk a lot when I walk or have to look down because of uneven ground. They can all cause a pressure surge in my head and neck & make the dreamy/ strange equilibrium feelings even more noticeable. However; the benefits of lots of walking greatly outweigh the drawbacks and it has been liberating to be able to do so much more that I could a year a go.

Managing Stress

I also have to carefully manage stressful situations or hurrying about. It takes extremely fine balancing to keep myself calm in difficult circumstances. This is because stress, anxiety, a lot of pressure on me or the need to rush are extremely detrimental to my symptom stability. I believe that this is probably a lot to do with the strain it puts on my intracranial pressure system. My normal biological reactions are very hypersensitive compared with your average person.

Things That Improve My Symptoms

Include: Moving around as much as possible, walking a lot – long distances every day – being quiet when needed, resting lying down in the evening, eating healthily at regular intervals, taking medication, planning my day to include all these things in good balance. Symptom management is all about good planning to provide correct breaks from sitting or staying in one position for too long. And good rest lying down later in the evening.

Often by the evening my lower lumbar/ upper sacral spine pain is pretty awful – especially if I have done a lot of standing, sitting or bending. It feels a bit like someone has ‘grated’ or deeply ‘grazed’ the inside of my spine. Like when your flesh is raw – but deep inside me. Although this does always improve after an hour or so lying down in bed or on the sofa.

Spinal CSF Leak Update

At the moment we do not know for sure whether my spinal CSF leak is there permanently, has fully sealed, comes and goes or possibly remains and acts as a stabiliser to my messed up intracranial pressure system. I say this because I do appear to struggle with higher intracranial pressure issues as well as low ones. Which is again typical of people with arachnoiditis & sacral Tarlov Cysts. So I have sometimes wondered whether – IF the leak is still there – whether it could possibly act like a ‘natural shunt’ that helps maintain my pressure surges. Equally, it could be that the leak isn’t permanent and it heals but can return. It really is hard to know. It was last seen on my September 2019 MRIs and I haven’t had a new full spinal MRIs at my CSF leak specialist hospital since then. However, it is clear that when my arachnoiditis symptoms do flare – when I relapse – that my ‘low pressure syndrome’ symptoms get a lot worse again.

We can only theorise as to why this is. I personally think that my CSF flow becomes impeded by the inflammation and nerve clumping because it improves so radically when I have the IV steroids… and, as my neurologist said, IV steroids will not seal a leak. So we know there has to be something else going on. It could also be that the inflammation causes an increase in intracranial pressure which causes me to leak more. But there are many unknowns. A spinal CSF leak has certainly been a big part of my story and probably the initial catalyst for my ongoing issues … but there is perhaps more to the way the whole CSF system is impeded by the arachnoiditis than we yet fully understand.

In my case, I have decided with my neurologist that it’s too risky to pursue any more investigations regarding the spinal CSF leak. Because these would include CT myelograms, epidural blood/ glue patches or surgeries which have the potential to make the arachnoiditis much worse and move it very quickly into much worse adhesive arachnoiditis. So in my case seeing that my typical low ICP symptoms have improved so radically through the use of IV steroids and my ongoing drugs protocol…. in my NHS neurologist’s words … it makes the issue as to whether I currently actually still have a CSF leak or not somewhat ‘academic’. In the end, when I had a CTM in September 2017 – I badly seizured & then after the subsequent high volume lumbar BEBP a week later I was seriously unwell for weeks to months after it. I wouldn’t want to risk that again without a critical reason.

So it is no longer a risk we are willing to take. In my own case it seems that the arachnoiditis is my bigger current problem. And thankfully when we treat the arachnoiditis EVERYTHING else improves.

Current Medication

My update video gives a summary of my current medication but here it is written down:

  • 5mg prednisolone every other day (after 20mg Omeprazole to protect my stomach)
  • 4.5ml LDN (Low dose Naltrexone via private prescription from Dickinson’s Chemist Glasgow) but with the awareness of my GPs and two NHS neurology teams
  • Iron tablets (Ferrous Sulfate) due to low ferritin levels found after blood tests following hair loss)

Medication sometimes used for symptom flares or for long car journeys/ travelling (as discussed in my video).

  • 50mg pregablin
  • 2/ 2.5mg diazepam

Supplements

Turmeric/ Curcumin, B-12 & B complex, Calcium, Magnesium & Vit D, Omega 3. (Disclaimer – I do not really know which help and which don’t. I simply chose them according to my own research and in relation to the meds I take). It’s my whole medication, supplement and walking protocol that helps. I also try and eat a low carb/ low sugar and high protein (inc some meat), dairy, vegetable & fruit diet.)

Halted medication & supplements due to possibly contribution to hair loss as discussed on my video. My hair loss has much improved since coming off these and taking iron tablets.

  • Diclofenac
  • Pregnenalone (non- prescription supplement)

Arachnoiditis: A relapsing / Remitting illness

As it is very clear if you have followed my story long-term, my illness has always followed a clear relapsing / remitting pattern. This means is that usually around every 4 to 12 months I have an acute relapse of symptoms. This is shown in my case summary video. However, I can then go through months of doing significantly better. This is a normal pattern for people with arachnoiditis and adhesive arachnoiditis.

Since we have learnt to treat these relapses with IV steroids I have found I have recovered from the relapses in comparatively super quick time. In previous years it would take many many very long weeks and months for me to ‘somewhat recover’ from them. My last one (before last summer) was in April 2019 and I never got back to pre-relapse levels until after the diagnosis and treatment in July 2020. Since then I have also been recovering to a much much better level of symptoms stability and a much higher peak in what I can do and achieve than I have probably at any time over the past six years since my accident.

However, this does not mean when the illness is in a season of more remission that I am not unwell.

I am always unwell in one way or another. As I said above … I never feel normal.

I have obvious permanent damage to my lumbar spine (nerve clumping) and to the way my nervous & intercranial pressure systems function. However, what I wanted to demonstrate through these videos is how much better I have been since my diagnosis last summer and new treatment plan.

So for that I remain extremely grateful for all the support I’ve had from both of my NHS neurology teams, other local consultants & my local GP practice. It’s not been easy for them to navigate my illnesses when there is not a lot of up-to-date information on them and they are very unusual (and under diagnosed).

It helps patients immensely when they find doctors who are willing to listen, learn, be open minded and consider new diagnoses regarding their case. Especially when there has been so many unknowns about their constant symptoms over the years.

It is very easy for doctors to start thinking that you have a mainly psychological problem rather than a predominantly physical one when your case is full of unknowns. So to be listened to and believed by doctors AND those around you is one the most healing things to a suffering persons holistic health. One of my greatest underlying fears throughout my journey was to ‘be abandoned by medical professionals’ whilst in my greatest time of distress, pain, symptom severity and need. Mainly due to a lack of knowledge and understanding about my conditions. So to know I am under two great NHS neurology teams is very helpful to me.

I know in some ways I am still at the start of such a very long journey. Despite being 6 1/2 years into it. But over the past year I have felt that new empowerment to face both the past, present and whatever the future may bring in a more holistically healthy & supported way.

None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. But it sure does help when you have an arsenal of ‘medical and holistic weapons’ at your disposal & and a great team of supporters around you – to help you face & navigate the battles the future will inevitably bring.

“… there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer. Only very few realised that.”

– Viktor Frankl

I pray that I … and you… may continue to have the courage to suffer well & suffer strong. Whatever that may look like long term. The past 6 years have at times been a nightmare to navigate and at my darkest times I was ready to just ‘give up’ on life itself. BUT… I do not feel like that now. So I have said it before and will say again… please never give up… because things can change and they really can get better again! And new answers to long term questions can come in very unexpected ways!!

Here is my summary video of my whole medical journey as well as footage of my January/ February 2021 (adhesive) arachnoiditis relapse/ flare and treatment with IV Steroids. To see my daily video diaries from this time please see my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9ZkCy9B_IpeaGrXd0CEgow

For more posts of my arachnoiditis diagnosis please see the arachnoiditis menu above.

ARACHNOIDITIS INFO: ‘Arachnoiditis – Taming the Most Painful Pain’ Dr Forest Tennant video and Suspecting & Diagnosing Arachnoiditis (J. Antonio Aldrete) and The Arachnoiditis Syndrome (Dr Sarah Smith)

A medical paper supporting the use of steroids in treating early stage arachnoiditis and in the prevention of further adhesive arachnoiditis: Immunotherapies in chronic adhesive arachnoiditis – A case series and literature review And another case where IV methlyprednisolone was successfully used: Idiopathic Arachnoiditis of the Cauda Equina: A Case Report from Tanzania

For more previous posts about my story of living with a spinal CSF Leak (from before we understood the arachnoiditis element) please look at the subject heading on the menu bar above.

SPINAL CSF LEAK INFO: Here is a brilliant 2 min animation about Spinal CSF leaks. For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org.

Mental Health, Suffering & Grief

“A Crushed Spirit” – Finding a Way Through Dark Times

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“The human spirit can endure in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?” ‭‭

Proverbs‬ ‭18:14‬ ‭


A few months ago I re-read this Proverb and it again spoke to my heart. Afterwards I felt a deep sense that I should make a series of videos about it. Because for me these simple words tell a profound story about sickness & suffering. They also give insight into some of my own story about the reality of enduring long term sickness.

The proverb explains that the human spirit can endure a lot of things. Throughout history, many many people have had to endure long seasons of deep suffering. In fact, things probably used to be much worse. There were less medicines, less diagnosis, less surgery, less wider help & support. So people have always – throughout history – had to endure suffering, pain, and sickness. Sometimes for their whole lives. So we know that the human spirit has shown, again and again, that it can endure a lot.

HOWEVER the proverb goes on to contrast that “a crushed spirit who can bear?”. Meaning that although humans can endure a lot – there is another state of suffering of the human spirit that can feel impossible to bear.

That is why I wanted to make these videos. To discuss what it feels like and how to endure and find a way through the seasons when our spirits feel crushed.

Another translation of this proverb says:

“A cheerful spirit gives strength even during sickness. But you can’t keep going if you have a broken spirit.””‭‭

Proverbs‬ ‭18:14‬ ‭NIRV‬‬

So here we have another meaning for crushed, which is the word broken. The same Hebrew word is also sometimes translated wounded. Basically, this tells us that a season of a ‘crushed spirit’ is characterised by feelings of:

BROKENNESS – WOUNDEDNESS – INNER PAIN – DESPAIR

If you have ever experienced a season like this, you will know exactly what I’m talking about. For some people it may be characterised as depression or extreme anxiety. For others it may well lead them into a time of suicidal ideation/ thoughts of wanting to leave – or escape – this world & all of its pain.

It is certainly a season that is very very difficult to bear and endure.

I have been there myself. I have tasted of the darkness of a season of a crushed & broken spirit. Some might call it ‘the dark night of the soul’. It’s a time when everything feels so dark and oppressive and it’s so difficult to see any light, any joy or to see a way forward. You feel stuck or lost in such a season. It can also be extremely dangerous, especially if someone is actually also feeling suicidal because there seems ‘no way out.’

This is why I made these videos and why I am writing this blog post to introduce the series. I hope that it reaches out to people who currently feel immensely lost, dark and crushed. My prayer is that it helps to bring some hope again – even if just a flicker of a flame. So that you can find a way through. I believe you can find a way through – because I did. Despite not being able to see it at the time.

In this article, I want to introduce you to a summary of each video and the main points in each one. You will discover, as I tried to explain many times, that this content has been inspired by what I have learnt on my own journey since I first started out on my journey of long-term illness (spinal CSF leak & arachnoiditis) in January 2015. Over those six years I have been through at least three intense seasons of ‘a crushed spirit’ as I write about in Breaking Through the Darkness and A Window into a Suicidal Mind.

So these are some of the ways that I have found a way through & discovered a new way of living despite the deep ongoing challenges of living with these conditions & managing them on a daily basis.

VIDEO 1 : ACKNOWLEDGMENT & VALIDATION.

In this video I talk about the importance of being honest, opening up & talking to someone about the truth of your struggles. In my experience it is vitally important to get what is locked in the darkness of your mind out into the open. When it stays stuck on the inside the chaos takes over and the mind quickly snowballs out of control. Getting our thoughts and words out of whirring around our heads can help us to bring more order to our thoughts, help us process and understand ourselves and others better.

It then helps if you can speak to someone who will validate your struggles and help support you through them.

VIDEO 2: ACCEPTANCE & LETTING GO

In this video I talk about my next step in finding more serenity: peace & calmness. That is leaning to ‘accept the things I cannot change’ but also courageously ‘changing what I can.’ This can often include going through painful season of grieving & letting go of who you once were or your dreams for the future. I also talk about learning to live more in the present. Which doesn’t mean we don’t face, process and find healing from yesterday’s trauma. But simply means that we choose not to get stuck there. I also talk about having hope for the future whilst not getting lost in its never ending what if’s.

VIDEO 3: CALMING THE MIND

I start off by honestly talking about my experiences of my mind feeling totally out of control. I remind us that we may sometimes need professional help from doctors etc before we can move out of such an intense season. I then go on to share about these main points:

  1. Getting what you are thinking out in the open. A mind where thoughts get trapped can quickly turn very dark. It’s important to share how we are feeling honestly with others.
  2. Protecting your mind – being careful with what you read/ watch/ listen to/ who to talk to. Guard what you feed your mind with.
  3. Thought replacement (not denial) filling your mind with better thoughts. For me this includes bombarding/ renewing the mind: Listening to and reading things that encourage and inspire you. Love was also something I would try and focus on and was a real anchor for me.
  4. Gratitude: Focusing on what I do have rather than on what I don’t.

VIDEO 4: FINDING NEW PURPOSE – Purpose in Pain

“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation — either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.”

Martin Luther King, Jr
  1. Transform suffering into a creative force for good. Our own experiences put us in the privileged position of being able to feel more empathy & connection. It also puts us in a more experienced place to provide advocacy & fight for justice for others (as well as ourselves). This can include educating others about these illnesses & raising awareness about these conditions.
  2. I am not what I do: Establishing a new identity. This will include the grieving of letting go of who we once were so that we can learn to discover new purpose and achievement in the small things. I wrote a whole blog article about this a couple of years ago titled: What is my Purpose: Do Small Things with Great Love. In it I wrote about how I was inspired by God to find purpose by daily asking the question: “Who can I show love to today?”
  3. Discovering a new way of living – Finding what we can do despite all of our restrictions. This can include doing small loving things. It could include spending time with others at home, calling them, writing or sending a message. We can often find more purpose in thinking about others rather than just being consumed by ourselves.
  4. Bearing suffering as a source of achievement & setting an example to others. I read Viktor Frankl’s ‘Man’s Search for Meaning,’ a few years ago about how he and others endured the desperate suffering of the concentration camp by discovering a higher purpose.

“…the way they bore their suffering was a genuine inner achievement. It is this spiritual freedom— which cannot be taken away—that makes life meaningful and purposeful.”

Victor Frankl

This can also include a realisation that us finding a way through can be so significant for those coming behind us on these journeys. Some of those people could actually be your own children, your family or friends in the future.

My prayer for you is that these videos provide some inspiration to help you endure – and hopefully find a way through – your own season of ‘a crushed spirit’. Or perhaps instead they might help to educate you to learn how better to support loved ones who are going through immensely difficult seasons of suffering in many different ways.

We all at times need others to help us come through these darker & more desolate seasons. I truly believe that we are not meant to face these things alone.

“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.”

Ecclesiastes‬ ‭4:9-10‬ ‭

So most of all today I want you to know that you are not alone. I have been there myself and it was the hardest and most painful thing I have ever had to face and come through. But I can tell you:

THINGS CAN GET BETTER AGAIN!

So never give up hope – clutch onto it, even if only by your fingernails – and do what you have to to make sure you can stay holding on. Because I do believe one day you will look back and be glad that you did. And maybe – just maybe – your own story of overcoming can then be a guiding light to others. To help them find their own pathway out of that crushing, broken & wounded place. Into the calmer & greener pastures of more holistic wholeness & deeper rest for your soul. Despite your challenging circumstances.

“O Lord… You know me more deeply and fully than I know myself.  You love me with a greater love than I can love myself. You even offer me more than I can desire… Take my tired body, my confused mind, and my restless soul into your arms and give me rest, simple quiet rest.”

Henri Nouwen

To understand more about my medical case & story please see my new summary video of my whole medical journey please see this video.

Arachnoiditis, Spinal CSF Leak

NEW VIDEO DIARIES: ARACHNOIDITIS & SPINAL CSF LEAK RELAPSE/ FLARE

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“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”

– Mother Teresa

At the end of January I had another horrendous relapse / flare of my arachnoiditis/ mild adhesive arachnoiditis & spinal CSF leak symptoms. Although I had experienced some pre-warnings in the weeks before, on Thursday 28th January my symptoms again exploded so acutely that I knew I needed to access another 5 day IV methylprednisolone ASAP, as previously agreed with my more local neurologist if that happened. It unfortunately still took a week to arrange for me to receive it at the local day case unit, especially as I really wanted to avoid going via the ED due to Covid and hospital pressures. It was also the first time of these arrangements being actioned which meant it took a little bit more time.

So as I waited at home as we and my wonderful GP team chased the hospital and my consultant to make arrangements for me ASAP, my husband and I made the decision to film what happens to me when I flare / relapse, and how I responded to treatment – as an open education and awareness project for other patients and their family and friends, as well as any doctors who may be open to listen and learn more about arachnoiditis and spinal CSF leaks.

We mainly decided to do this because when doctors, patients and the general public do not understand these conditions it causes us sufferers so many many problems in being ‘heard’ and accessing treatment. Also – as anyone can see from the videos when I am in a flare – things deteriorate dramatically in a week. Arachnoiditis/ AA flares should be treated as a MEDICAL EMERGENCY if doctors want to stop more permeant adhesions from forming – which could ultimately lead to paralysis, partial paralysis, incontinence and irretractable pain syndrome.

So I cannot stay silent!!

Without my IV steroid treatment, steroid taper and ongoing every other day 5mg prednisolone (steroid) and 75mg diclofenac (anti-inflammatory) & 4.5ml LDN (low dose Naltrexone via private prescription), I have no doubt the adhesive arachnoiditis would have moved into more severe categories over the last two flares.

It thus felt time to branch out into videos to complement my writing in this blog.

So I have a YouTube channel now packed full of educational videos showing my flare, talking about symptoms and how I have done in recovery since. I will keep updating my channel to talk about my progress or new things I am learning about that are relevant to the condition.

Here are some of the relevant videos and links:

This is my case summary video that was reviewed by a NHS Consultant friend before I posted it. I wanted to create a short summary of my whole medical journey that would also be of interest to doctors to and could be used as a presentation in their educational meetings and lectures if relevant.

Here are a few other videos from each section and a link to each ‘playlist’. All the individual videos can be found on my YouTube channel.

I will now add one or two key videos from each list here:

ARACHNOIDITIS FLARE DAY 2 SYMPTOM EXPLOSION
ARACHNOIDITIS FLARE DAY 6 WHOLE BODY HORRIFIC PAIN EXPLOSION
IV STEROIDS DAY 1 AT HOSPITAL DAY CASE UNIT
IV STEROIDS DAY 4 AT HOSPITAL DAY CASE UNIT
FINAL DAY (5) OF IV STEROIDS. IN THIS VIDEO I ALSO DISCUSS MY ISSUES WITH SITTING DOWN AND HOW I DO SIT. I ALSO TALK ABOUT HOW GOING FOR A WEE MAKES MY HEAD WORSE.
STEROID TAPER DAY 1 & STORY OF 2017 FLARE & SEIZURE FROM CT MYELOGRAM & FLARE FROM 40ML EBP
DAY 10 OF STEROID & ANTI-INFLAMMATORY TAPER PLUS INFO ABOUT RESIDUAL SYMPTOMS AND MILD SCOLIOSIS
DAY 12 OF STEROID & ANTI-INFLAMMATORY TAPER PLUS INFO ABOUT PAST RELEVANT RADIOLOGICAL FINDINGS OF TARLOV, SPINAL/ BRAIN CYSTS, BONE SPURS & OTHER GENETIC NEUROLOGICAL ABNORMALITIES INCLUDING POSSIBLE MARFAN SYNDROME.
DAY 3 OF NORMAL ALTERNATE DAY STEROID & ANTI-INFLAMMATORY PROTOCOL. (5mg Prednisolone & 75mg diclofenac). THIS VIDEO ALSO INCLUDES INFORMATION ABOUT MY APPROACH TO ANTI-INFLAMMATORY AND COLLEGEN BUILDING DIET & NUTRITION.
Year update added in July 2021

That should be enough videos to give someone more of an introduction to my new educational and awareness project. I have learnt a lot over the past six years about my two radiologically confirmed diagnoses, even though I only knew I had had arachnoiditis all along too since July 2020. (It can now be seen on my original 2015 MRI’s 3 months after my accident and before any of my spinal procedures. I also experienced symptoms of arachnoiditis as soon as my symptoms came on after my ladder fall in January 2015).

PLEASE NOTE: ALL MY VIDEOS & WRITING ARE FULLY IN THE PUBLIC REALM AND CAN BE SHARED IN ANY CONTEXT OR PLATFORM WITH MY FULL PERMISSION. MY ONLY DESIRE IS THAT PEOPLE LEARN FROM MY CASE SO THAT OTHERS DO NOT HAVE TO SUFFER SO VERY MUCH FOR 6 YEARS TO GET RADIOLOGICALLY CONFIRMED DIAGNOSIS. SO PLEASE DO SHARE THEM WIDELY!

Thank you to everyone for all your support in this new educational project. I had 1000 views of my main case summary video in one week and I know many doctor contacts saw and shared it. If any doctors do want to know more they should feel free to get in contact with me and I can share more about the hospitals, teams, GPs and consultants I am under – IF they want to find out more because this would help their patients to get treated more quickly.

I now have two written radiologically confirmed diagnosis of arachnoiditis from two senior NHS neurologists at two Midlands NHS hospitals. I continue my medical journey under both their care.

Email me at: beckyhillblog@outlook.com

If my journey changes the outcome for just ONE patient then it is worth it all. So if you are that patient today – I do this for you and pray that the information I share may make your journey a little easier than mine.

“Let me be filled with kindness, and compassion for the one
For humanity. Increase my love”

– ‘For the One’ Bethel Music

For more posts of my arachnoiditis diagnosis please see the arachnoiditis menu above.

ARACHNOIDITIS INFO: ‘Arachnoiditis – Taming the Most Painful Pain’ Dr Forest Tennant video and Suspecting & Diagnosing Arachnoiditis (J. Antonio Aldrete) and The Arachnoiditis Syndrome (Dr Sarah Smith)

A medical paper supporting the use of steroids in treating early stage arachnoiditis and in the prevention of further adhesive arachnoiditis: Immunotherapies in chronic adhesive arachnoiditis – A case series and literature review . And another case where IV methlyprednisolone was successfully used: Idiopathic Arachnoiditis of the Cauda Equina: A Case Report from Tanzania

For more previous posts about my story of living with a spinal CSF Leak (from before we understood the arachnoiditis element) please look at the subject heading on the menu bar above.

SPINAL CSF LEAK INFO: Here is a brilliant 2 min animation about Spinal CSF leaks. For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org.

God & Spirituality, Suffering & Grief

Finding Peace in the COVID-19 Storm

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It feels stormy out there right?

Everything is so strange. In one moment our whole world has changed. A surreal season which we are struggling to understand. To catch up with or comprehend.

And as time goes on…

We all know people deeply affected by this world-wide tragedy. Those who got sick and recovered. Those who never did recover and so sadly lost their lives. NHS & care staff working on the frontlines dealing with new levels of stress, pressure and anxiety that those of us stuck at home can hardly fathom. Our day to day lives so completely transformed.

Will we ever return to the normality which was once known?

Can we truly find peace in this uncontrollable storm?

Our chaotic unpredictable universe is reminding us of how out of control our lives often seem. We have again recently all had to face our own mortality and brutally realise how fragile we truly are.

Is anything certain any more? What does the future hold for any of us?

It feels stormy out there for so many. But it also often feels stormy in here too – right? Within us, in our chaotic minds. In our homes, families, relationships and lives.

Chaos is not at its worst outside of us. It’s actually most dangerous when it takes over within us.

How can we find stillness in chaos? Is it even possible without escaping from, or numbing away, our anxious thoughts? Or in trying to escape or distract ourselves from the reality of the current major struggle in our world?

These are important questions. Ones that I have had to dig so much deeper into and wrestle with a lot over the past five years since I fell off a ladder in January 2015 and sustained a debilitating brain/ spinal injury that I still have today.

In that one moment my life suddenly rocketed out of my control. One day I shifted onto a new life path I was never meant to take. A place I had not planned for or envisioned to live or endure.

These current restrictions due to the Coronavirus lockdown are actually not so strange for me, because the past five years have kept me predominately at home anyway. And for many hours a day lying down to control debilitating brain and spinal pain and other symptoms which means I still spend an awful lot of time in bed or on the sofa.

So many times my life felt devastated, as the restrictions and debilitation overwhelmed me. I watched so many around me continue on with their ‘normal’ lives whilst mine remained somewhat ‘on hold’ and out of control.

…. until ‘one day’ I would hopefully get fully well.

Then things could return to ‘normal’ I could again shift back onto the path I should be on.

But I never did get well…
I never got to take back control…
My old ‘normality’ never came…

So I have had to learn how to live here. To find a haven of peace even when the storm rages. To let go of my need to try and take control of my, or others, destinies. To climb out of the box of ‘normal living’ to embrace new spaces found in the ‘abnormal’ reality here.

It’s not an easy journey.

I know that so well.

It’s painful! It’s full of grief.

But it’s full of wonder and profound new discoveries too.

The letting go of control.
Of embracing a new way of living.
Allowing old dreams to fade.
So that new ones can arise.

I have had to adapt, I have had to change so much so as to find a new way of life that can be lived in this place. To discover new hopes and dreams within all of the restrictions. Rather than constantly grieving the life I hoped to be living right now.

I have had to dig deeper. To find peace and stillness – even when life doesn’t look like how I imagined it before.

Through all of my wrestlings I have discovered a deeper peace that I know is always there to be found. If I will continue to ‘let go of the old’ and ‘embrace the new’. Settling in my heart that change must come and that life can still be lived in the midst of all the restrictions and pain.

I must look for the firm foundation amidst all of this shifting sand.

Where is this unchanging peace found?

In my experience there is only ONE true and reliable avenue to discovering lasting peace. A peace that is described and experienced as ‘passing all understanding’. It’s unfathomable because it is not based on your circumstances going well. It’s not reliant on a peaceful place being found. It’s not even discovered only when everything is quiet & still.

Because for me… true peace is not the ABSENCE of something. It’s not a place where there is no longer struggle, pain or discomfort. Instead my experience of peace is the PRESENCE of something far more beautiful.

To be exact – my peace is the PRESENCE of SOMEONE!

A person who is always there and will never leave me, because He forever lives with me. He constantly dwells within me. He is all around me and will never forsake me.

My peace is a person… yet He is also a supernatural force.

My peace is so gentle … and yet He is also known to roar.

My peace is abundantly loving… and yet He challenges me each day.

My peace upholds me… even when I can no longer feel Him there.

My peace is Jesus Christ.

The tangible stillness that guides my life’s ship through the storm.

A place where He is fully in control even when everything within me feels like a storm.

An indescribable presence, so still, so restful, so easy. Where the heavy burdens I have been carrying are lifted. And His gentle yoke of unconditional love and undeserved grace is left in its place.

He is the ONE who has won my heart with the beauty of His unending Love.

He is my ultimate calm.

So many people misunderstand my Saviour. But it doesn’t mean that He is not there. He is always standing patiently, glimmering in the shadows of our lives. Knocking at the door of our hearts. Willing us to let Him in. Desiring us to allow His Light to radiate into our dark places and shine through our broken pieces into our hurting world.

So that we can experience the supernatural power of His peaceful presence. An unimaginable Love that takes you over as He enters in. Awakening you by the grace that He plants within.

In His peaceful presence there is a realignment of His Spirit and your soul. You find that you become restored back to who you were always meant to be. You discover the purpose for which you were created. You finally discover what it really means to truly be ‘me’.

In His presence the striving will cease as His supernatural rest takes over as He does His own work in you. His peace descends as you cease resisting who He made you and who you were designed to be.

I wonder – do you know that peace yet? Have you experienced its stillness?

Do you feel it now?

I feel that peace. The deep calm of knowing Him and Him fully knowing me. It emanates through and from His Spirit who came to live within me the moment I fully surrendered. The time that I was born again into His family. The occasion that I was made fully new.

He is my peace.
My love, my life, my all.

Do you desire to feel deep peace today? Has anxiety taken you over and you long for even just a taste of peace again? For normality to be restored? To discover the joys of how life used to be. To go away somewhere, to retreat back to your favourite places of beauty & joy. To return to a life that was more ordered and controlled, when your plans were not put on indefinite hold.

Well He is here for you – if you will call out His name.

His name is Jesus.

Call to Him today.

He is always waiting, always willing and always longing for your call.

Jesus said, “”I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.””

– John‬ ‭16:33‬ The Bible ‭‬

We will have trouble in this life. Our broken world is full of it. If we can avoid it today – it will somehow reach us tomorrow. But Jesus transcends the trouble in our world. And with your permission that presence of peace can enter into your own personal chaos.

You simply have to…
Let go.
Surrender,
And dare to let Him in.

You cannot earn peace. You cannot muster up enough positivity to win it as your reward. You can only surrender to Him and allow Him to do His deep work within you. Until peace begins to take control of all that you say and do.

I assure you – once you start to taste and experience the glorious fruit of His peaceful presence, you will be ruined for anything else.

Because peace is not a place. It is not an absence. It is not even an escape.

Peace is a person.

Peace is a presence.

His name is Jesus.

And you can experience Him now.

IF you will surrender and let Him in!

“Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the gentle night to you.
Moon and stars pour their healing light on you.
Deep peace of Christ,
of Christ the Light of the world to you.
Deep peace of Christ to you.”

– A Gaelic Blessing
Mental Health, Perspective

A Window into a Suicidal Mind

16 Comments

“I remember the wild agony of no way out and how the stars looked, endless and forever, and your mind can feel like it’s burning up at all the edges and there’s never going to be any way to stop the flame.”

Ann Voskamp

Only those who have experienced the trauma of a suicidal mind can truly understand how agonisingly dangerous it is.

We usually do the upmost in our lives to avoid things that might kill or harm us. But when it is your mind trying to kill and harm itself – it can feel impossible to get away from. It takes you hostage, binding you up with all its lies and accusations, torturing you inside your own head, home and life.

Refusing to let you go.

If only I could explain to you what it feels like…

I recently read the beautiful article on suicide that the above quote is from. And straight away I connected with the author whom I instantly knew understood.

You see I never used to understand.

I used to assume that I would never think that way. That life couldn’t get that bad for me. That I couldn’t be that selfish. I assumed that my ‘superior’ coping mechanisms could surely carry me through any storm that came my way.

Until life took me through seasons when I truly felt …. “the wild agony of no way out…”

At the end of April this year I dramatically relapsed in my spinal CSF leak and arachnoiditis symptoms…AGAIN!! After eighteen months of clear improvement since my last epidural blood patch. Everything came crashing down again physically and mentally.

And I found I had absolutely NOTHING left to fight with.

I had completely burnt myself out physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually from fighting this horrible condition and all the misunderstanding’s surrounding it – for so long.

I ended up stuck in bed nearly all – day and night – in almost perpetual intense, agonising pain. Everything simply exploded symptom wise and it felt like I was getting every type of headache and nerve pain in my spine you can get on top of the ‘low pressure’ issues. It was non-stop, non-positional pain, and made worse by the fact I was hardly sleeping at all.

I am only now beginning to feel more ready to talk about what happened back then more openly. Rather than just wanting to hide from the world and not speak up.

It’s only crippling shame that tries to keep me silent.

But as I get increasingly well, I know that part of my healing and restoration comes in being able to talk more openly about how bad things were. I know that the only way to deal with shame is to speak it out. So as to process my own journey and also to connect with others’ suffering and struggling, as well as to help others to understand more.

So here’s some more of the brutal and raw truth about the traumatic wrestlings of a suicidal mind. At the time, I wrote some poetry in my iPhone notes. I guess to try and process my thoughts and explain to others how it felt. I did show these to my husband at the time which he appreciated – even though they were often painful for him to read.

This Pain in My Head

I am going mad
This pain in my head
Persists and won’t go away
It’s killing me slowly
Polluting my life
Stealing everything away

What do you do When you are Drowning?

I am drowning – can you see?
My head keeps sinking below the surface.
My legs furiously attempting to keep my head above the waves.
I have no strength left to fight.
My legs are growing so tired.
My mind just won’t stop whirring.
The pain won’t let me go.

I am suffocating – can’t you see?
Where life is being squeezed out of me.
My energy leaving me, my endurance gone.
My life just a shadow of what it once was.

I am in inner & outer torment – can you see?
The pain and debilitation slowly taking over all I am.
Like gangrene it eats away at me.
Stealing my life, my strength, my hope

I love you all so much – can you see?
I am devastated by just what may be.
To think of your tears, your cries, your heartbreak and pain.
To think of destruction eating away at your hearts.
To think of the backlash and the battle.
To think of all the awful desolation left behind.

How could I?
How can I?

What am I supposed to do?
Do I keep existing or allow the waves to take me where they will.

So the battle rages and I sink yet deeper still into the darkness.
The pit of despair – a place that won’t let you go.
Destruction all around me.
Devastation following.
Despair keeps on calling my name.

I am stuck in the pain and anguish of living here.
Trying to love here…
Trying to suffer well…
Trying to hold on…
Trying to clutch on to life…
Trying to not let go…

But losing…
I am losing…
I am losing…

I don’t want to be lost
But devastation is calling my name.

The Torment of Pain

Pain torments you it pulls, pushes & wrestles with your mind
Persistent pain consumes you until nothing else is left
It eats you alive leaving your flesh exposed
Infection after infection ravages your thinking
Mind constantly infected
Tormented
Trying to hold on
Trying
Trying
Trying to hold on
Gasping
Reaching
Clutching
By my finger nails
Trying to hold on

How Long am I Supposed to Endure?

How long am I supposed to endure?
She asked, writhing around in pain
How long do I need to exist in this for
She asked, living as if death was life

They tried to understand
but still couldn’t see
the pain
that never went away.
The torture of not knowing how long to endure
Was stealing her whole life away

The problem was
she could no longer see
a future any better than this
She tried and she tried to hold on for love
But the pain was pulling her to defeat

Many would question the size of her love
The fact she could not endure or remain
But that is because they never lived in her body
And never kept on feeling her pain

Somehow reading them as separate poems doesn’t quite do justice to the intensity of the trauma that takes over your mind when you are backed into the ‘corner of dark shadows’ that is suicidal ideation.

Your mind is completely out of control.

You can no longer think rationally. It’s just a massive ball of dark, oppressive and negative thoughts crippling your perspective and adding to your intense internal and external agony.

I still felt so much love and love was actually my only anchor and light. But love was often even painful to feel, because you think that if you really loved others – that much – you should be able to endure and remain.

Right?

But you don’t have any energy to remain anymore.

It’s relentless.

Completely overwhelming.

All consuming.

Utterly unbearable.

And as dark as dark can be.

….And I was hardly sleeping at all. So there was no relief.

That’s why it’s called ‘mental illness’ – because you are extremely unwell.

And you just can’t ‘snap out of it’. Or just ‘think positive thoughts’. Or ‘reign in your thoughts’. Or simply ‘change your perspective’.

You no longer have that ability.

Your mind is no longer your own.

Without the love, compassion, support and care of my amazing husband, family, church family, friends and doctors, I am not sure I would have made it through.

It still scares me to know first hand what a vulnerable and dangerously over stretched mind can end up like.

But I do know talking openly about it shows how far I have come since then. To know that I was simply very very sick – both physically and mentally. It breaks my heart to know that others are facing this same battle – in similar and very different ways – each and every day.

Unless we can try to listen and understand more what goes on the the mind of someone feeling suicidal, we won’t be able to help them overcome the immense stigma, shame, misunderstandings and trauma of that experience. We need to know how to best try and help ourselves when we find ourselves there. As well as helping those stuck in the oppressive prison of a mind on the edge of suicide.

So that’s why I am opening up my own immensely humbling experience again. To let another struggling soul know today that you are not alone. I have been there and I want you to know…

It can get better again.

I know you can’t see it – yet.

I couldn’t either.

I only felt the ‘agony of no way out.’

But one day the sun did again begin to break through the clouds.
And I began to walk out.

Albeit bruised, battered, burned, startled and scared from the fight. But I made it through again. So please just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Just hold on a little bit longer.

Allow someone else to walk through it with you.

And then get strong enough to share your story. Because it might help to reach and save another struggling soul too.

“I wanted the brave to speak up, to speak the Truth and Love:
Shame is a bully and Grace is a shield.  You are safe here.
To write it on walls and on arms and right across wounds:
“No Shame.
No Fear.
No Hiding.
Always safe for the suffering here...”
If we only knew what fire every person is facing — there isn’t one person we wouldn’t help fight their fire with the heat of a greater love.”

Ann Voskamp

To read more about my first mental health crisis please try this post; ‘Breaking Through the Darkness .’ To read more about my beginning to understand how crippling shame had become in my life please see; ‘The Shame of Chronic Illness and Pain.’

UPDATE: Please note that in August 2020 I was also diagnosed with arachnoiditis as well as a spinal CSF Leak – I now have radiological evidence to support both those diagnosis. To read more about the new diagnosis please see this link.

For more posts about my story of living with a spinal CSF Leak please look at the subject heading on the menu bar above.

Here is a brilliant 2 min animation about Spinal CSF leaks.

For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org.