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God & Spirituality, Suffering & Grief

NAVIGATING SUFFERING AND TOUGH TIMES

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Hello again! It’s been a while since I have shared a blog post … and in fact today I am sharing a very long one!!!!

Recently I spoke in church on Navigating Tough Times and as I was preparing it, I remembered that I had always wanted to make a video and write a post on some thoughts about how we can navigate suffering. So, I decided that I would combine my research and preparation to also write this article and put a video on my channel which includes my teaching from church – with a few minor edits.

I hope and pray that my own study, research and learning over the past 11 ½ years may well help to equip someone else in the midst of suffering. Suffering always feels horrible, it can be traumatic, life changing and full of grief and pain. But… although that is true…. It’s not the WHOLE story…

There can also be immense beauty, joy and even a deeper love to be experienced too… if we can hold on and slowly allow our perspective to be shifted.

That is my experience.

That is my reality.

And my hope today is that you too might discover some treasures in the darkness – despite your pain!

With much love and empathy to you all,

Becky x

Please note: This teaching has been prepared for a distinctly Christian audience. But I hope that those of different, or no faith backgrounds, will be able to glean something from it too.

NAVIGATING SUFFERING AND TOUGH TIMES

Isaiah 43:2: “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.”

“The real work, the hardest work, is to pick up the pieces and decide how to put them back together again. The new thing that emerges may not work the way it used to, but it can bend and stretch and change us in ways we come to treasure even more.” Katherine and Jay Wolf

‘Navigating Tough Times’ is such a big subject, as all the ‘Strong Foundations’ subjects are. Basically, this is a teaching about when things are tough and there are no quick fixes. It’s a teaching that is here to equip you to face and endure the hard seasons in life that sometimes come and don’t let up easily – whether you are in one now, have been through one in the past that still affects you or will go through one in the future.

But in talking about ‘tough times’ I feel like I need to give a disclaimer – that this is just a snapshot of understanding suffering and hard times and how we are best to deal with them as believers and as the Church. There are so many different types of suffering and struggle. Be it grief and bereavement, physical health and mental health issues, abuse, difficult job situations, redundancy, war and famine, persecution poverty, addiction, relational breakdown, loneliness, rejection, bullying, financial hardship and debt, infertility and challenging family dynamics. This has not an exhaustive list of course, it’s just a few things that came to my mind.

I never want to minimise anyone’s experiences of suffering or rate mine or others experiences above others.

But as with all the strong foundation preachers that we have heard over the past couple of months, this message is about trying to equip you to grow in your faith and go deeper in your foundations. We wanted to cover tough times and suffering because it can really make or break someone’s faith. Especially when those seasons last a very long time.

I feel very privileged to be speaking on the subject because I feel like it’s been a massive area of personal study, for me over the past 11 years. Even just looking through my phone notes, I came across so many great quotes from various books I’ve read over the years – so there will be many quotes in this message. Which I actually think is important because we need to hear different perspectives on suffering, because everybody’s experiences unique.

Tell you some of my story. I did tell some of it in one of my messages from last year: ‘Boasting About My Weaknesses.’ https://youtu.be/6PjU8i5AtMQ I also explained that this is why I pre-record my church messages as it’s easier for my body and brain and allows me more focus.

Most of you know something of my story – it is so long and complex I can only touch on my conditions but do have a public YouTube channel and blog if you were interested in more in depth of info and how I have navigated it over the years. Basically11 1/2 years ago I fell off a ladder and sustained two quite rare and very complex brain and spine injuries. I still have what is called ‘A Spinal CSF Leak’ in my spine which is where your spinal fluid leaks out of a hole in the protective layer that holds in your spinal fluid in your spine. This means your brain and whole nervous system can lack enough spinal fluid to function properly. It causes so much pain, a constant drunk/ foggy head, lack of mental clarity, a constant stiff neck, fatigue and many other symptoms. I also have Arachnoiditis which is midly adhesive. This is where your spinal nerves inflame and begin to stick to the edges of your spinal canal leaving very high levels of nerve dysfunction, pain, struggles to sit and stay in one position, travel and when in an inflammatory relapse – to walk, talk and think with clarity – without hospital visits and very high doses of steriods. Basically, they are both extremely painful and debilitating conditions I live with every day – even though most of the time ‘I look well’ from the outside.

My lack of healing and the trauma of facing countless doctors over the years who didn’t really understand due to my conditions being so rare and not well enough researched etc, also led to me having two very serious physical & mental breakdowns which left me despairing of life itself. So I have also experienced two or three serious mental health crisis’. Partly due to the immense strain of these conditions and major battles to get diagnosed and helped. But also due to trying to‘stay strong’ and striving hard to find ‘enough faith’ to receive my healing. Including at the end of my first year of serious illness attempting to try to live ‘like I was well’ when I was actually seriously unwell. So I ended up at the complete end of myself – not sleeping, stuck in bed in constant severe pain – in an extremely dark place of despair. And yet I still knew only God and my Christian faith could help me find a way forward whether I was healed or not. This is why – as I shared in my message ‘Boast about my weaknesses’ last year – I ultimately I had to ‘let it go’. Healing had became an idol and I had to rediscover Jesus for who he was in totally and not just ‘the healer’ & find the spiritual strength to help me endure for the long haul.

At the worst times of experiencing the deep trauma of utter darkness and despair – I found that I certainly didn’t need ‘theological answers’ – I simply needed love, gentleness, ccompassion, comfort, understanding and care. And even though God felt so distant at times and I felt like such a failure. LOVE did break through and began to bring some light in an extremely dark place. I couldn’t fathom theological thinking – It was only true, warm and gentle sacrificial love that was the thing that showed me God was truly real. I couldn’t feel God’s presence – but I could feel the fierce yet gentle love and support of my husband. Matt you showed me Jesus when I was struggling to see and feel Him directly.

REMEMBER – We can show up and reveal Jesus to those who suffer deeply – IF we are present and show gentleness, compassion, care, grace and love without judgement.

What I discovered over the next few years, was that I needed to deepen and widen my theology of suffering. Especially to help myself and others to navigate seasons of suffering that just won’t go away whatever we do. So I had to learn to listen and consider all sorts of different voices, perspectives and thinking on what the Bible says about suffering and how to approach it

One of the initial books I read which helped to open my mind was – ‘Where is God when it hurts’ by Philip Yancey (I know Yancey has recently discredited himself for moral failure – but the book was written long before this and still has so much to teach us). It starts off by talking about a young couple he knew – newly married, loved God and ready to serve him. But very early in their marriage she developed Hodgkin’s disease which is a cancer of the lymph glands. She had to stay in hospital for rounds of chemo which made her so sick that she couldn’t eat, she completely lost her radiance & outward beauty. Periodically she had radiation treatment that in those days required you to lie on a metal table completely naked. Over the weeks and months, she became a shell of herself. During this time, she contemplated God and suffering.

The interesting thing that Yancey does is to record her reports of some of the well-meaning ‘Visitors’ who came and gave their advice – from all theological perspectives:

– Firstly those who just tried to ‘avoid’ the issue of her suffering and simply bring ‘positivity’ and ignore the harsh reality of what she was facing

– those who told her she had obviously done something wrong and needed to search her life for what God wanted her to change.

– others suggested God is so impressed with you that he has chosen you to suffer and he will reward you for your endurance.

– another told her – this will only end when you have genuinely learnt to praise God for the privilege of suffering.

– yet another – who loved watching the US TV healing evangelists told her – if you just have enough faith you will be healed, so rebuke the devil, increase your faith and claim your victory!!

Philip Yancey then visited her and found her not only immensely unwell and in deep despair but also utterly confused about God and what He wanted of her. Who she should listen to? What lessons she should be learning through it? How can she keep staying positive and full of praise? And how is she supposed to ‘muster up’ enough faith for this promised healing? He thought to himself upon leaving ‘Is Christianity supposed to make a sufferer feel even worse?

Why do we often choose people’s weakest times to ‘burden’ them with all of our opinions on what they need to do to improve their situation?

Now there are of course elements of Biblical truth that have influenced ALL of those opinions, advice and teachings. It’s not ALL wrong ‘in theory’. But it did remind me of the book of of Job in the Bible and his friends opinions about his suffering.

Of course, there are lessons to be learnt in suffering, God certainly allows suffering in certain seasons, sometimes our choices and mistakes can add to our suffering, we can of course benefit from praising God and being thankful despite our pain, it is also true that our faith can play a part in our healing as we see in the gospels. But as Philip Yancey touches on – we need to learn the correct time and place for opinions, advice & simplistic theology. These things are never as simple as they look and when someone is in the depths of suffering, they often simply lack the ability and energy to work through all the different theological viewpoints and all of the nuanced questions and answers. They can then despair even more when the simplistic answers and fixes don’t seem to work. I only had capacity to consider and meditate upon all these things – when my mind was less chaotic and I started feeling slightly more well again. (Although I never actually feel well – just ‘less ill’ than my worst times.)

CAN GOD ACTUALLY BE TRUSTED IN THE MIDST OF SUFFERING?

Psalm 34:18: (NIV) “The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 22:23-24 (NLT) “Praise the LORD, all you who fear him!… 
For he has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the needy.
 He has not turned his back on them,
 but has listened to their cries for help.
”

Psalm 147:3 (NKJV) “He heals the broken hearted. And binds up their wounds.”

“You see, the message of the Bible is that the arms of God’s power, presence and grace wrap around the deepest and darkest moments of human suffering.” Paul David Tripp

Does this sound like a distant God who doesn’t care? No that is not who our God is: He is compassionate, empathetic, comforting, loving and understanding. He is not there to condemn and accuse. However, there can also be purpose in pain, redemption in suffering, the beauty of his presence, power and comfort in our deepest weakness and things we can and do learn through seasons of pain. 

SUFFERING IS INEVITABLE.

The Bible talks a lot about it. Central to our faith is the concept of a suffering saviour. The New Testament Is then full of people being persecuted for their faith, especially Paul who we will come back to later.

John 16:33 NIV “In this world you will have trouble. (Tribulations ESV) (NLT many trials and sorrows) (AMP tribulation, distress & suffering) But take heart! I have overcome the world.

JESUS THE SUFFERING SAVIOUR

John Stott whilst reflecting on suffering and the cross wrote: ‘I could never myself believe in God if it were not for the cross… in the real world of pain, how could one worship a God who was immune to it?’

Philippians 2:6-8 NIV “Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!”

God doesn’t distance himself from human suffering, he sent Jesus to experience it first-hand. Our God is a God who through Jesus becoming human has personal experience of human suffering, physically, relationally, mentally, emotionally. He ‘laid aside his glory and majesty’ to become a vulnerable human who faced betrayal, rejection, misunderstanding and the limitations of a physical body which was brutally beaten and completely broken until he died. God didn’t protect him from pain and suffering – he led him to it. He deserved a throne but submitted to a cross.

Sometimes we may feel God is absent in our suffering. But so did Jesus as he lay brutally beaten, struggling to breathe and hold onto life on a Cross he shouted ‘my God my God why have you forsaken me?’ – he too felt the Fathers distance.

Elisabeth Elliot (whose young husband was killed by tribesmen they were ministering to as missionaries in Ecuador) “Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God is of a different nature altogether. It does not hate tragedy. It never denies reality. It stands in the very teeth of suffering. The love of God did not protect His own Son. The cross was the proof of His love – that He gave that Son, that He let Him go to Calvary’s cross, though “legions of angels” might have rescued Him. He will not necessarily protect us… from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiselling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process.

SUFFERING AND THE SECULAR WORLD

“Suffering causes us to scan our lives and face the fact that we control very little. – Paul David Tripp

“Suffering in its simplest form comes in the space between what we thought would be and what is.” – Katherine & Jay Wolf

One of the best books I have read on suffering is Tim Keller ‘Walking with God through Pain and Suffering’The book deals with theology, philosophy, psychology, Christian apologetics (defending the gospel) – but also interweaves many deeply moving personal and diverse stories of deep suffering and pain experienced by Christians from all sorts of human experiences of suffering – I highly recommend it!

In the early chapters of the book, he writes a lot about the diverse and different perspectives on Suffering from around the world and from different religious and spiritual perspectives. He also spends a quite a bit of time explaining how secularism in the West has caused a major cultural shift over the past century or so regarding views on suffering and how well we deal with it.

He writes about how the ‘secular assumption’ that life is just confined to this material world and lifetime means that people live their lives for what feels ‘good to them’ in this world so: ‘comfort, safety and pleasure are of the upmost importance.’ Suffering is then a BIG problem to this because it blocks you from achieving these things as you might want.

So the underlying message of our society is: AVOID SUFFERING AND PAIN AT ALL COSTS!

Interestingly, Keller references Dr Paul Brand’s book ‘The Gift Of Pain’ – (Philip Yancey does too in ‘Where is God When It Hurts?. Doctor Brand worked with leprosy patients whose bodies were ravaged because they lacked normal pain sensation’s so he argues that pain can actually be a gift to us that warns when something is wrong in our bodies, without that you injure yourself without knowing etc) Dr Brand also writes about the difference in how people viewed and dealt with suffering in India – where he worked with leprosy patients – compared to the USA. He observed in the West that mmeaning in life is often caught up in the pursuit of pleasure & personal freedom & achievement – he suggests that ‘this is why suffering is especially traumatic to Americans’. Many other cultures in the world put higher meaning on something other than individual happiness & comfort. This can be be moral virtue, gaining your way into paradise by good works, aiming for enlightenment after being stuck in karmic cycles, honour of those around you, faithfulness to the truth, putting family virtue higher than individualism or pursuing a greater meaning spiritually or philosophically. So in these cases suffering can actually been seen from the perspective of helping you to achieve those things:

Where as in the Secular world suffering rarely has much meaning or purpose: those who suffer feel that they are ‘a victim’ of something that is simply – a big distraction, an unwelcome tangent and a chaotic interruption to our comfortable, safe lives. So it should be prevented, stopped & alleviated wherever possible!

Whereas even in Western history suffering was simply part of a normal life story. For instance, in the 1800’s 40-50% of children died before their 5th birthday and the average life expectancy globally was only 30-40 years old. Suffering and death of your closest loved ones was a normal part of people’s daily lives far more than now. But people had to choose resilience and endurance, to learn & grow through their experiences. Whereas sometimes in modern times we can lack resilience and perspective.

The influence of the secular/ material world around us, can thus actually damage our view of God and can lead to a sense of ‘spiritual entitlement’ as Tim Keller calls it. The belief that ‘God owes us a comfortable and pain-free life and should ensure all of our plans for our lives go as smoothly as possible.’ We then (and I can say this affected me on my journey) struggle when things suddenly get so hard – and pain, discomfort and shifting life plans become our norm. BUT this is where I had to learn to enter back into a proper view of the gospel and the message of Jesus’ life and the cross.

In reality, being a disciple or apprentice of Jesus means ‘taking up our cross & following him’ (Matthew 16). Even though God is a loving Father who will protect and provide for us. He is not interested in giving us an easy, comfortable and pain free life. Which can then cause us to become more individualistic and self-absorbed. Following Jesus’ example of the greatest of self-sacrifice on the cross, is meant to be uncomfortable, difficult and challenging, As Jesus followers, we are to surrender our control, influence and desires to him. We are to live a life of sacrificial love towards God and others.

But this is difficult in a culture that teaches us to ‘seek out comfort and pleasure at any cost’. And even more sad, is when this all creeps into our Christian world view. The ‘prosperity gospel’ was affected by this – it made, and still does make, tempting promises of achieving a life with full health, financial abundance and spiritualising the American dream – if you can just believe enough for it. But is this who Jesus was and what he represented – money, wealth and power? No Jesus lived an incredibly humble life – he grew up a quiet town, followed his dad’s profession of being a carpenter. Then once his ministry started at age 30, he was a travelling minister with no fixed place to live. Those who followed him usually gave up their livelihoods and fixed addresses to follow him. Persecution was real to both Jesus and also in the book of Acts. The apostle Paul’s list of his sufferings and persecutions in 2 Corinthians 11 puts into perspective some of our own daily struggles. Paul was whipped, beaten, stoned with rocks, imprisoned, shipwrecked, adrift at sea, lacked essentials, was frequently exhausted and felt deep concern for the churches. But interestingly he writes in Philippians 4 that he learned the ‘secret of contentment’ despite all these immensely ‘tough times’.

WHY SUFFERING?

In the Bible book of Job we are given an insight into one man’s immense suffering and his wrestles with it. We are given a window into the spiritual realm to see some of why Job is suffering – but it is never revealed to him directly. However, interestingly when he asks God for answers – God does not directly answer his questions. He simply reminds Job of His great power, wisdom, wonder and the glorious intricacies of the nature around us which as the Bible book of Romans tells us – should reveal to us who God is.

It makes the question of why there is suffering complex with little definitive or clear answers.

Of course there are truths we can glean from the bible – The influence of Satan and his forces of evil, human Sin, selfishness and the thirst for power and control that is introduced to us in the garden of Eden. And subsequently led to death entering into the world causing it to slowly become broken and fractured! The book of Romans also gives us insight into this as do other books and passages.

However, these reasons in themselves would take a whole message or series of messages to work through and try to explain. So I recommend if you are interested- doing a deep dive into what the Bible says about suffering yourself or read a book like Tim Keller’s for an overview.

So instead of trying to answer  WHY I want us to turn back to thinking about HOW CAN WE PERSONALLY AND AS A CHURCH PRACTICALLY NAVIGATE TOUGH TIMES?

WHAT CAN WE DO?

PURPOSE & MEANING IN PAIN

Romans 5:3-5: “…We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

Any great calamity in the natural world – death, disease, bereavement – will awaken a man like nothing else could and he is never the same. We would never know the treasures of darkness, if we are always in the place of placid security.” – Oswald Chambers

VIctor Frankl was a Neurologist, psychiatrist & philosopher who wrote a book called ‘Man’s Search For Meaning’ after spending time in a Nazi concentration camp for being Jewish. His personal experiences and observations of other prisoners showed him that those who found a deeper meaning and purpose in their suffering were generally those more likely to survive. In the book he quoted another philosopher to support this point who put it: “He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.” After the war went on to develop ‘this theory’ in his psychological work.

I have discovered our faith in Jesus and the truth of His gospel (which is so different to our secular world) can become our MEANING and PURPOSE. It is the gospel of Jesus Christ and His upside down kingdom, that gave me the strength, purpose and inspiration to keep on going even with all of the unknowns that continue to hang over me. Loving God and serving Him – despite our grief, pain and trauma – can be our anchor. Loving others and allowing our own pain to soften us and connect us more deeply to others can make all sorts of suffering strangely beautiful.

This is one of the greatest ‘treasures’ in the darkness.

James 1:2-4 NIV “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

So we see that we CAN praise God and even discover HIS joy in our tough times because it is not wasted time (as the secular view) or a tangent. GOD WILL USE IT. He will strengthen us, help us to grow and mature, build resilience – all whilst learning more humility and love for others (if we let him do it!) I have also found that our love for others can also become more purposeful because it takes more sacrifice to love when you are hurting, tired and in pain. But self-  sacrifice is always at the heart of true love.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

“The Bible talks of suffering and difficulty as a furnace in which many impurities of soul are “burned off” and we come to greater self-knowledge, humility, durability, faith, and love.” – Tim Keller

LAMENT

This is the scripture Jesus quoted on the cross to reflect his own despair. Even Jesus lamented.

 Psalm 22:1 “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish?

‘Lament is an expression of deep grief, anguish, sorrow or regret (often outward and vocal – although in Romans 8 the bible refers to this sometimes being without words and a ‘deep groaning within us)

We particularly see a lot of lament in Bible books like Psalms and Lamentations

Lament is simply the deep acknowledgement and processing of things being not how they should. The Psalms are songs and poems full of this. Through these scriptures God is giving a voice and words to human suffering and showing us that it is ok to struggle, to grieve, to be angry and frustrated at how life is. Lament should be expressed in prayer and in the midst of community. As a church we should allow people to lament without trying to get them to move past it quickly.

Lament can actually help us to wrestle through to a deeper, rawer and more real and tested faith. If it is given room to do it’s work. This is what the Psalms show us that start with very raw lament, but then often end in praise.

Even Jesus wept at Lazarus’ tomb – even though he was just about to raise him from the dead.

LEARN FROM OTHER CREDIBLE CHRISTIAN LEADERS & MINISTRIES WHO HAVE FACED SIMILAR TYPES OF SUFFERING – seek out their stories & teaching. Our stories are all unique but sometimes we need to hear voices that can relate to our own stories of suffering.

This was invaluable to me. I didn’t have leaders who had experienced what I had. So although they could support and comfort me – they couldn’t always understand and equip me like others who really had gone through similar challenges.

Here are some general resources:

BIBLE DEVOTIONS/ STUDIES

  • You Version Bible App A free app with devotionals / Bible reading plans about your personal challenges. Search for plans on topics such as: Suffering, grief, anger, anxiety, addiction, forgiveness, abuse etc

THEOLOGY & APOLOGETICS (WITH REAL LIFE STORIES)

  • Walking with God Through Pain & Suffering – Tim Keller. (Tim Keller died in 2023 of pancreatic cancer also his wife had long term severe Crohn’s disease. The book also includes many other diverse stories of suffering including bereavement & grief, divorce, infidelity, infertility etc)
  • Where is God in all the Suffering – Amy Orr Ewing (also on the Lead Podcast)

WRESTLING WITH GOD THROUGH HARD TIMES

  • God on Mute – Pete Grieg (When God seems to stay silent in difficult times)
  • ‘Hope heals’/ ‘Suffer strong’/ ‘The Good Hard Story Podcast’ – Katherine & Jay Wolf’ (Also watch their videos on YouTube) Katherine & Jay Wolf ‘Suffer Strong’ (Katherine had a brain stem stroke at age 26 – 6 months after the birth of their son. After life saving surgery and 2 years of rehab she is mainly wheelchair bound with many disabilities but seeks to speak up, help and advocate for those weak, hurting and disabled – especially Christians.

SUFFERING FOR THE GOSPEL

  • The Hiding Place – Corrie Ten Boom, Rescued Jews from the Nazi’s in Holland then ended up in a concentration camp.
  • Tortured For Christ – Richard Wurmbrand. A Romanian Pastor who was tortured and imprisoned for his faith by the Communists
  • Persecuted Church resources – Release International, Open doors (website, videos and podcasts) remind us of those who currently ‘suffer for the gospel’ and need our comfort and support which can also help develop a better perspective on our own struggles. (These books and resources really helped/ help my own perspective of my suffering.)

GET SUPPORT – other believers, Pastoral Care Team, Life Groups, Men’s and Women’s ministries, Arise Youth Team. Sometimes outside support is also needed such as medical support, a specific therapy or counselling or a particular agency that deals with your particular challenges. (We are developing a Pastoral Care Directory to help direct people to places we are already aware of.)

HOW CAN WE SUPPORT OTHERS SUFFERING?

 “Think too of all who suffer as if you shared their pain.” Hebrews 13:3 J.B. Phillips New Testament

Our compassion and empathy can actually really deepen when we have walked the humble path of long term suffering and have faced the depths of our own weakness. It is one of the great purposes and privileges of pain. Sharing in the suffering of others and carrying one another’s burdens without judgement.

LISTEN

ACKNOWLEGE

PRAY – IF WELCOMED

OFFER COMFORT

“Suffering invites us to be radically human with one another, perhaps doing nothing more than reaching across the table, clasping hands, and weeping together. We are afforded the chance to create a safe place for someone else to mourn…” – Jen Hatmaker

LISTEN – Stephen R. Covey states, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” 

The Bible book of Job & his friends are again a good illustration. At first they chose the best path of silence – simply being with their friend as he suffered greatly. However. The problems then began when they opened their mouths to offer Job all their ‘opinions’ on why he was suffering.

Please remember that we don’t always have to ‘find the right words to say’ and that’s ok – you can offer your presence, a kind look, even a genuine tear, a hug, a gift, a meal.

ACKNOWLEDGMENT (of pain) is everything to someone struggling!

Rather than trying to ‘fix’ someone’s pain with advice – we firstly just need to ‘acknowledge’ it. Ie. ‘I am so sorry you are hurting – it must be very hard’… then mostly try to listen.

PRAY FOR OTHERS – But always ask for permission and enquire about what they specifically want prayer for. ie. Sometimes people who have long term illness and disability can find others assume that is what they want prayer for or even force it. However, sometimes they might be trying to get the focus off that thing and onto Jesus as a whole. So where possible – be gentle, understanding and listen before you pray.

BRING COMFORT

2 Corinthians 1:3-4: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

Comfort others with the comfort you receive. This is one of the purposes and benefits of suffering if we allow it to deepen our empathy, understanding (rather than our anger and bitterness) It enables us to  comfort, support and communicate with more understanding.  But be careful not to compare your situations – all our stories are unique so tread carefully in the language you use.

THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE: 

Revelation 21:4: “‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'”

As believers when we die, we are heading to a gloriously perfect place where our bodies will no longer be sick or feel pain or saddness. Ultimately, the bible book of Revelation tells us that there will be a New Heaven and New Earth. Can you begin to imagine this world joined with Heaven and God’s presence and love and completely perfected! I always hope then I will be able to see some of the world’s wonders made perfect again – because at the moment it is so tortuous to travel very far and I love seeing beautiful places.

CONCLUSION

Isaiah 41:10 NLT “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”

Navigating tough times and suffering is hard. Our stories and journeys are unique. Katherine wolf I spoke about earlier has a podcast called ‘THE GOOD HARD STORY PODCAST’ with a strapline ‘because the good story and the hard story can be the exact same story.’ And I relate to that so much. Suffering is awful, it always feels horrible. It can come like a sudden tornado and send your life spiralling and crashing down around you. But I am here to remind you our suffering saviour SEE’s you and He loves you. If you can reach out to Him he will wrap his perfect arms around you and hold you until you feel a bit stronger. He will send people to help, support and comfort you – if you keep that door open and don’t isolate or withdraw. And ultimately, he will use even the worst, most tragic and traumatic things that can happen in this world – for His glory and to build into your life a testimony of His goodness and grace.

And then your own story of pain might then become a treasure and anchor in the darkness for someone else stuck in the dark fog of grief or despair!

Isaiah 61:3: He can “bestow on you a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
Then you will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendour.”

To finish with:

This poem is based on text found scrawled on a cellar wall in Cologne, Germany, in 1943. It is believed to have been written by a child hiding from the Nazis:

I believe in the sun

Even when it is not shining

And I believe in love

Even when there’s no one there

And I believe in God

Even when He is silent

I believe through any trial

There is always a way.

But sometimes in this suffering

And hopeless despair

My heart cries for shelter

To know someone’s there

But a voice rises within me saying “Hold on my child”

I’ll give you hope

I’ll give you strength

Just stay a little while.

God & Spirituality, Suffering & Grief

Suffering into a Deeper Spiritual Awakening 

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“Any great calamity in the natural world – death, disease, bereavement – will awaken a man like nothing else could and he is never the same. We would never know the treasures of darkness, if we are always in the place of placid security.” – Oswald Chambers

If you have ever faced pitch black darkness – you know how hard it is to get around. In that place, if you want to get somewhere, you will have probably also experienced the desperate longing to discover more revealing light.

We tend to fumble around in darkness, utterly lost and insecure about where our feet should go. We have to move so slowly. Feeling our way around and through. Hoping to find a flicker of light, some moonlight, a torch or that revealing light switch that should instantly show the right path ahead.

In pitch black darkness, we all know that we must move towards a source of light to find a way out.

I can still vividly remember being on holiday in Menorca years ago – when our kids were small. We were staying in a small villa, which had shutters and at night was pitch black. One night, one of our small girls screamed out after having a nightmare and I literally jumped out of bed, half asleep. I instantly felt completely disorientated and enveloped by the confusion of the darkness around me.

Where was I?
How could I reach my screaming child?
Where was that light switch that I desperately needed?

In the pitch black, fear and anxiety often overwhelm you. Especially when you face the urgency of trying to get to your screaming child. In that moment I felt completely and utterly helpless as I felt the walls, trying to recall where that light switch was.

Eventually – after fumbling around for ages – I found that precious switch. With it came a stilling burst of light. My panic began to subside as I could see the way to reach my distressed little girl in her own room. And as she felt my presence in the light, as I held her in my reassuring arms and listened to her describe her scary dream – I was so thankful for that light.

The same is true in our lives.

Times of deep darkness disorient us. We can panic and become anxious as our way forward is hidden. We might fumble about trying to find a source of light to make the path ahead clear. We can feel desperate – longing to discover even a flicker of light.

Darkness quickly feels enveloping and all consuming. Its black fog often starts to seep into every area of our thoughts, emotions, actions and lives. We can’t seem to shake it off. Its mist covers everything we do. Until we feel like we are slowly being sucked to its desolate and empty core of despair.

And as it does… the desperate longing and need for light increases and intensifies every hour of every day. Until we know the flicker of a flame – ‘a little hope’ – is not enough anymore to guide us through the dense fog we are immersed in. We need a more powerful light – a more ‘substantial and secure hope’ – to get us through and illuminate, reveal and secure the path ahead. 

Spiritual Awakening2

But it is also in the ‘deep darkness’ that the ‘treasures of darkness’ are waiting to be found. For it is only in that place that we truly see how much we long for and need the light to survive. It is only when our eyes are blinded by the darkness that we fully realise the depths of our desperation and longing for the light to again truly SEE!

The past three years, or so, have been the hardest physical, mental, emotional and spiritual challenge of my life. My journey through an utterly debilitating chronic illness following my accident in January 2015 left me feeling more broken and weak than I ever have before.

And yet…

I have increasingly discovered that ‘broken and weak’ is the avenue God uses to draw us more deeply towards Him. It is in true human desperation that we realise how little strength we really have alone. Weakness, and the subsequent new level of humility it can usher in, is always the path to discovering just how deeply we need God.

But the stark reality is – the intense journey of brokenness is truly a painful and raw place to walk. Where layer upon layer of self-sufficiency, self-security, self-identity and self-confidence are brutally peeled away. Leaving us more and more exposed in our human ‘naked’ vulnerability and fragility. Even as you begin to tentatively emerge and ascend out of the valley of deep darkness, you can still feel very battered, bruised and disorientated from the utterly exhausting and often overwhelming fight.

Finding your way through the darker valleys of life, although intensely difficult, can also be an exceedingly beautiful journey; as your heart is softened, opened and humbled like never before. IF – and only IF – we truly invite God into the hidden depths of our vulnerability and pain.

It is only then that we discover and SEE the light of His love,

More intimately.
More stunningly.
More remarkably.
Than ever before!

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” – ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34:18‬ ‭(The Bible)

It has not always been easy on that relentless journey through life’s darker valleys. There have been moments of anger at God. Thoughts of betrayal. So much lack of understanding about what was really going on. I have had to wrestle through intensely difficult questions and thoughts.

I needed to ‘discover more of God’ in a FAR more real – and yet gritty – way. 

I have also had to come to a deeper acceptance of the fact, that we all currently live in a ‘broken world’. And that it is probably not going to change, for many of us, any time soon. 

The world was originally created perfect, with God, humanity and creation living in perfect ‘Shalom’ (peaceful) completeness, wholeness and harmony. But ever since humanity decided to do things ‘their way’ rather than the ‘Creator’s way’ in the garden of Eden. The ‘completeness and harmony’ of creation has been fractured and has been subsequently breaking down & slowly falling apart. Sickness, disease, genetic deformity, natural disaster, selfishness, rebellion and pride all entered the world as a consequence of that ‘fall’ and separation of humanity from the Perfect Designer of the universe.

It doesn’t mean God wanted me – or any of us – to be sick. Or that He caused me to fall that day to teach me a lesson. Sickness is just part of our broken world that is groaning to have its ‘Shalom’ completeness restored. God wasn’t the ‘author’ of my sickness, but He does promise to work with our fractured creation and turn it around for my good.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans‬ ‭8:28‬ ‭(The Bible)

Over the past few years I have increasingly ‘groaned’ alongside the whole of creation for the ultimate redemption and restoration of the Shalom. Matt and I have also never been more aware of the deep, yet at times exceedingly painful, tension that exists between the ‘now’ and the ‘not yet’. Between God’s perfect kingdom and the current world in which we live.

This life is our ‘in the meantime’ life…

Yet the promise is that we can also begin to increasingly experience the ‘not yet’ perfect kingdom of God – His Shalom – in the ‘now’ through Jesus Christ. Jesus broke into His fractured creation to reach broken humanity. He came to live in the centre of the tension – as one of us. To see and then experience the deepest and most painful suffering here – to bring the ‘not yet’ of God’s glorious kingdom into the broken reality of creations ‘now’.

God’s complete ‘Shalom’ (perfect, whole life, restoring, enveloping peace) is what we ALL yearn and long for in the depths of our spirits and souls. Especially in the midst of suffering. But it is not just a ‘fuzzy’ feeling of ‘inner peace & calm’.

‘Divine Shalom’ – is so much more!

It is the stillness of our entire being – even amidst the storm. It’s illuminating light – even when everything appears dark. It’s the divine ability of undeserved grace – displayed through our human weakness. It loves us whole – in the reality of our brokenness. It is perfect completeness – in the midst of our imperfection.

Spiritual AwakeningBIG

It’s so very hard to explain to you – with simple words – what has happened to me spiritually over the past three years. How can mere words describe the indescribable?! The only way I can explain it to you is that it was a profoundly deeper ‘spiritual awakening’.

I now SEE with new eyes.
I now HEAR with new ears.
I now FEEL with a new heart.
I now THINK with new wisdom.

My own human ‘nakedness’ of weakness and vulnerability has been exposed and uncovered to a much greater depth. And it was in that place that I found more indescribable divine Love waiting patiently for me. It was as if, all the way through my journey of brokenness and pain, I was being drawn further to seek and discover, being taken deeper to search and find.

It was only when I saw and felt the depths of my weakness and inability that I experienced the glorious wonder of His strength rising up within me. It was only as my self-reliance was brutally crushed by my inability to cope, that my dependency on Him grew so much stronger. Until from deep within the broken clay jar vessel of my life I cried out to the one who created me…

“Make me whole again Daddy.
Then shape and fill me anew, Holy Spirit.
Mould me into Your Divine image Jesus. 
Nothing else really matters… All I need is You!!”

I had again reached that intimate place of deeper surrender. 

When the darkness intensifies – our need for light increases. When blindness envelopes us – our longing to SEE truly grows. When our inner being is parched and empty – our spiritual hunger and thirst becomes more desperate. When the world can only offer silence – our spiritual ears long for His eternal song.

Spiritual Awakening3

When trying to describe spiritual – awakenings, encounters or experiences. We often use ancient images, words and metaphors. That to some might sound ‘cryptic’. To others may be simple ‘poetic words’. But to those of us who have truly tasted and experienced the eternal immeasurable love of God – Father, Son and Spirit. To those who have discovered Him waiting for them in their deepest brokenness and pain. To those who have seen His mesmerising light in the darkness. To those who know they cannot live without His beautiful grace…

Such words truly connect with the deepest longings of our hearts. Desires that we know nothing in this world can even begin to satisfy.

I wrote these words about my recent struggles to inspire us today. So that – together – we can again perceive the divine call to our souls – in the midst of suffering – to stretch further, to reach out deeper and uncover more of the dazzling light of His Truth, that will enable us to SEE and experience more of …

…the stunning, transcendent, everlasting – yet intimately personal and experiential – Triune GOD…

Who is pure unconditional LOVE.
The Author of undeserved GRACE.
And the central beating heart of the perfect infinite SHALOM.

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” ― C.S. Lewis, (Mere Christianity)

Click here for a great video explanation of the Hebrew word ‘Shalom’

For more posts about my three year battle with a spinal CSF leak – please click here or click on the CSF Leak tab at the menu above.

God & Spirituality, Identity, Perspective

What Is Within Us Is Who We really are. 

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Over the past two years whilst my body has not been working properly, I have had to learn that what’s inside me, who I am within, is far more important than what is seen on the outside. 

On the outside my body is currently broken and debilitated by my spinal fluid leak. But I am increasingly learning that it’s what is on the inside that truly counts. 

So even though I am currently struggling to change the limitations of my physical body, I know I can still develop the person on the inside of me, whatever is happening on the outside.

This means focusing on feeding what is inside of me with good thoughts, words, inspiration and ideas. Having the wisdom to know how to cultivate the good parts, then allowing the positives (as well as the stark reality of the difficulties) to break out through my writing and in my communication with others.

That is why words are so precious to me. 

That is why writing is a wonderful gift, because it allows me to try to express the inexpressible. It allows something of what is on the inside to break out to speak and connect with others.

Last night, I was trying to describe to my husband Matt how, whilst my body is stuck lying flat nearly all day, it feels like what is deep inside of me keeps intensifying. Even the pain and struggle of this season fuels this ball of passion inside of me, a force that I want to be characterised mostly by love, compassion and grace, and yet still have the rawness and reality that comes with our natural human weakness. And I have certainly become more aware than ever of my weaknesses over the past two years.

I believe suffering brings a whole host of deep feelings inside of us. Some are good; it can develop more humility, more understanding of others pain, more compassion for those hurting, more personal resilience and strength. But on the not so good side; suffering can also draw us inside ourselves, we can easily become self absorbed and left sinking into a pit of self pity and despair that becomes extremely hard to climb out of.

All extremes of feeling and thought come at me daily. Some days and sometimes it takes all my might to redirect the negatives. Sometimes it feels almost impossible to stop them overcoming me. I can have many moments of tears and emotional/ mental exhaustion.

Yet I know I have to fiercely guard my heart and mind and protect what is inside of me. Every day I have to choose carefully what to fill my mind with. Every day I have to be ruthless in taking control of my thoughts. Every day I must make myself see the beauty and wonder that is still always around us.

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” – ‭‭A Proverb‬*

I must keep choosing to see outside of myself and look at how I can contribute positively to the world around me. I must stir up the wonder of what is inside of me, until it breaks out in and through my words and actions in the form of love, grace, compassion and fighting with, and for justice for, other people.

For me what is inside is intrinsically linked to my spiritual faith. You cannot separate the two. That is what inspires my many words!

It is through spiritually inspired words, thoughts and ideas that I feed the good parts of what is within. It is only in and through my love for God and other people that I personally can and will find a way to live like this, for as long as I have to. It is God’s Spirit that lives on the inside of me, that is at the heart of the ball of passion and love that inspires and creates the words that I speak and share.

It is God who leads me through this dry and desolate land and helps me to change the way that I think. Through His words, truth and other people’s wisdom, kindness and love, I can cultivate what is on the inside of me so that the good stuff can grow.


Some people must wonder how I can still love and trust in a loving creator God, when I am stuck with this cruel debilitating physical condition. But for me, I just don’t know how to live without him. I have wrestled through many questions and thought through the whys, as I wrote about in Why Me? The Soul Destroying Question.  And yet sometimes we have to just let go of the whys and instead focus on what we do know.

I know more than ever that God is alive within me and that he fills me with his peace and love. Even while there is seeming desolation on the outside….

Deep within me there is a whole other world. 

I want to discover more of the incredible beauty of that deep potential within me. A place that has been made raw and real by suffering and pain. And yet a place that is made beautiful and tender by unconditional love. So that I can dive even deeper inside me to find what can touch another deeply inside of them as well.

I don’t want to settle for just surface connection with others. Instead, I want to reach out and connect with another’s heart. I want to honestly meet them there, in their deep reality of both joy and pain.

So I need to do all that I can to keep being filled with inspiration. One way I do this is to read various ‘devotions/ inspirations’ on my You Version Bible app each day. Those words of inspiration by various authors, when added to the truth and beauty of Biblical words, feed my spirit and soul and re-balance my thoughts and emotions.

Some days when I open my Bible app to read God’s words, I am like someone who has not eaten for a while, desperate for some sustenance, craving more deep satisfaction.

I can often wake up in the morning and suddenly remember the reality of my current life and discouragement and despair can begin to try and seep into my mind and heart. It’s then more than ever that I know I need some deep inspiration from God to hang my perspective on again, as I start my day.

“But if I say I’ll never mention the Lord or speak in his name, his word burns in my heart like a fire. It’s like a fire in my bones! I am worn out trying to hold it in! I can’t do it!” – ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭20:9‬, The Bible

When I take the time to invest in filling myself with good words, they increasingly burn within me. They are like fuel that keeps the inside aglow. It’s only if I put the right inspiration within me that the right inspiration will come out of me.

I really do love and value words so much.

  • Because words are what connect us all together.
  • Words are what communicate from what is within us.
  • Words are what encourage and inspire us in the hard times.

So I have decided that whilst the never ending battles continue on a physical level, I want what is on the inside of me to tell a very different story. An adventure that probably won’t be seen much from the outside. But if you listen carefully you will still hear something about it. As I use words to attempt to describe to you what is truly going on deep within my soul.

 “You cannot kindle a fire in any other heart until it is burning within your own.” Eleanor Doan

*Proverbs ‭4:23‬ ‭The Bible

To read more about my story of living with a chronic spinal CSF Leak click here.

Here is a brilliant 2 min animation about Spinal CSF leaks.

For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org.

Perspective, Spinal CSF Leak

Learning Calmness: Flowing through life with a spinal CSF leak

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“Real contentment must come from within. You and I cannot change or control the world around us, but we can change and control the world within us.” – Warren Wiersbe

My journey over the past 2 years, or so, with a spinal CSF leak has been a journey of discovering deeper inner contentment, DESPITE physically battling the unending storm of so many physical limitations and chronic pain.

I have learnt more than ever over those 2 years that inner CALMNESS is the only way to flow through life with a CSF leak. Stress, worry, constantly pushing through symptoms too much and rushing about, simply make me feel incredibly ill and physically (and consequently mentally) anxious. They only exacerbate intense neurological symptoms.

So I am learning to…

Move slower
Think slower
Be slower

And surrender to a quieter calmer life.

This has not been an easy journey for me for many reasons…

  • I have ALWAYS lived a very full and busy life.
  • I was used to living at a FAST pace
  • I had bought into the lie, to a certain extent, that how busy you are equates to how significant your life is. As I wrote about here a while back.
  • CSF leaks mean you struggle to function upright for a long (or sometimes even a short time – as in my worst times) which brings a natural anxiety when you are feeling very ill.
  • Pain is not in anyway calming.
  • Parenting and calmness can be very challenging at times. (Especially when kids are fighting).

Because of this there were a number of things I had to face and let go of. That has been a process and a journey I am still on. So I have had to…

  • Let go of the need to be ‘someone’ and be ‘doing’ something significant and instead embrace the ‘me’ of this season and what I can do here.
  • Stop connecting my identity to what I do.
  • STOP ALL ‘rushing’ because my body simply can’t handle it.
  • Take each day as I can.
  • Learn to flow with my body and take regular lying flat breaks – rather than heroically trying to constantly to push through pain and other exhausting symptoms. (Most hours of being upright for me involve pushing through symptoms, I could not live life without ‘pushing through’ pain, exhaustion, brain fog, nausea etc. But it’s learning not to ‘push’ too much to my absolute limit, which will inevitably bring an element of physical and mental anxiety, as my body screams at me to lie flat and be released from the intense exhausting tension of being upright).
  • Be OK with missing out on events and things I used to enjoy.
  • Removing myself from stressful parenting moments – when appropriate – so as not allow stress/ raising my voice etc to make my symptoms worse.

I have had to rediscover the place of…
Peace….
Calmness….
& Tranquility….
Within me more deeply and learn how to maintain it as much as possible. This involves keeping control of my thoughts & embracing the deep serenity found in my spirit.

I have a wonderful friend who has kindly supported me a lot in this season. Who has helped me to see how to live more fully present in each moment. And to approach my ongoing health problems through ‘acceptance with hope’. This means facing and accepting my current limitations, so I can truly LIVE and embrace life here, whilst also holding out hope for a healthier future.

I read the Bible daily for wisdom and spiritual encouragement and it also talks about living in this present moment, not worrying about tomorrow, letting go of the past, whilst hoping for a better tomorrow. They are all things that have been a part of my life for decades.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” – ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:34‬

“…I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead,” -‭‭Philippians‬ ‭3:13‬ ‭

However, having a spinal leak has meant I have had to delve further into these truths. So as to find the place deep within me where the river is serenely calm. It is always there – but some days it’s easier to find than other days. Sometimes the storminess above it clouds it from view. There are also times the surface pain distracts from that inner peace, because pain shouts at us so loudly.

The sky is ALWAYS blue way above the storm. If I can focus on the consistency of the blue sky above I can then dive into that river of peace within me and swim in its warm calming waters of love.

Some days and moments peace can feel elusive, you search for it and it’s a battle to find it. No sooner have you found it and get ready to dive in to its peaceful waters that you lose it again as some other anxious thought breaks in, as another memory unsettles the heart, as the pain takes over and the exhaustion floors you.

When I had a mental and physical breakdown at the end of 2015  I could no longer find that tranquil river within me anymore that had anchored me all year. It was still there but it was so hidden from me because of the chaos of my mind and body. I felt completely lost at sea, drowning in a whirlpool of negativity and mental deception.

Fear screamed at me!
Anxiety shook me!
Despair consumed me!
Exhaustion overwhelmed me!

I just needed it ALL to stop.

2016 marked my journey of acceptance and mental and spiritual recovery. It was my time of learning to LET GO. I had to conquer the anxiety that bound me. I had to find my new identity. I had to learn how to keep LIVING in the chaos and unknowns.

I had to….
look deeper
reach deeper
dig deeper
find deeper

Because I knew that was where the river of peace still flowed. I knew I had to learn how to dive in deeper.

I realised I had to go where I had never been before.

Learning Inner Calmness verse copy

That journey has been an adventure. A journey of both gritted teeth endurance, as well of a satisfying joy. A journey of discovery and rediscovery. A journey of realising a deeper and more profound love that overwhelms the fear. A journey of not focusing on what I don’t have but celebrating/ being thankful for what I do  so I can make the most of LIVING here.

God showed me the way. He gave me the sign posts. He brought the people I needed at the right time. And He spoke through the voices He placed around me. He gave me friends and loved ones to cheer me a long the way.

It’s April 2017.
I have been unwell for 2 years and 4 months.
It’s been the hardest season of my life so far.
My life looks very different to the one I lived before.

But I am a different person. If you look closely the old Becky can still be found. Many people will not see the change from the surface. My passion for God, my love for people, my fondness of communication and words are all still there. But if you watch me, if you listen to me, if you compare me to who I used to be. There is a deep transformation within me as well.

Perhaps not recognisable to everyone, but very clear to me.

And it is intrinsically linked to an increasing CALMNESS. A decision to FLOW through each day, whatever it may bring. An ability to ‘let go’ more easily and throw off the chains of worry and anxiety. A greater ability to make the most of every opportunity. More depth of wisdom…

…as I have been OVERCOME…

BUT THEN…

…became the one who OVERCAME!

Yes this Becky is very different and even though I never want to relive those dark days again. Even though I daily wish I didn’t have to dwell in this debilitated body. There is no lesson more profound than meeting the full extent of your weakness and failure face on and falling apart in a way you never imagined possible….

To then rise again despite it all…
stronger yet calmer,
wiser yet more humble,
broken yet fuller,
different yet still me.

There is always more peace to be found. It is always being offered to us as a gift. We just sometimes have to take a journey to realise how much we need it. And to learn how to break through the storm around us on the outside,  so that we can then dive into the tranquillity that can only truly reside within.

“Real contentment must come from within. You and I cannot change or control the world around us, but we can change and control the world within us.” – Warren Wiersbe

Jesus said, “”I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” ‭‭- John‬ ‭14:27 The Bible‬ ‭

To read more about my story of living with a chronic spinal CSF Leak click here.

Here is a brilliant 2 min animation about Spinal CSF leaks.

For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org.

Family, Words & Writing

What You Say Flows From What Is In Your Heart

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Kind words can be short and easy to speak,
but their echoes are truly endless. – Mother Teresa

Have you ever wondered what is going on in someone’s heart? Who they really are and what they really think?

One sure way to work it out is to listen to what they say! What words come out of their mouths? What words do they write down/ type and share day after day.

In the Bible Jesus said…

“What you say flows from what is in your heart.” – Luke 6:45*

He is explaining that our words are connected to what is going on inside us. They are connected to our true hearts.

Yes of course we can pretend or say things we don’t really mean. But if you spend a lot of time with someone long term and listen to what they are saying, you will soon begin to get a picture of what is going on in their heart.

But the same is true for us! Have you ever stood back to consider how your own words paint a picture of what is going on within you?

Is your heart….
Tender or hard,
Loving or hateful,
Understanding or judgmental,
Forgiving or revengeful,
Sweet or bitter,
Cold or warm,
Kind or unkind,
Humble or proud?

heart shaped in sand

Love is one of the main things that should show through your words.

If you love someone with your whole heart, it should be obvious in the way we speak to and about them.

I personally believe love resides in our hearts like a beautiful song. If our hearts sing with love, our words should sing with that same love. And everyone should be able to hear the song of love in and through our words.

That’s one of my personal goals in life – for my words to sing with an otherworldly love that can only come from knowing the unfathomable unconditional love and grace of God.

If I am truly in love with God, and desire to love others wholeheartedly, you will hear it in the way I speak, write and act.

“When you know how much God is in love with you then you can only live your life radiating that love.” – Mother Teresa

When you fall in love with someone, you can’t stop thinking about them. You constantly want to talk to them. You desire to be with them. You will find yourself wanting to tell others about them.

Love is such a powerful and all consuming force. And yet we can get so comfortable in our love for others, that over the years it can wain in its intensity. That’s when the cracks appear. Our words get a little harsher, a little less patient, more critical, more negative, less understanding, more self focused.

We convince ourselves that this is the other person’s fault. Perhaps if they were more lovable and loving it would be easy. Maybe if they weren’t so infuriating and selfish we would have more positives to say.

“Love resides in our hearts like a beautiful song.”

But what if we turned that on its head a moment and thought…

What if the problem is not mainly ‘the other,’ what if our main problem is our OWN hearts? If our words are becoming overly negative what does that say about what is going on inside us? What does that say about the quality of our love in the first place?

True love is not a fleeting emotion!

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” – 1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:7‬ *

Love to me is ALWAYS unconditional. It is selfless – thinking of the other first. It is patient and kind, persistent and persevering. It’s full of grace. It is not easily angered, proud or self seeking. It covers over faults and loves regardless of weaknesses.

The challenge for me is that if that is the love I believe is in my heart. That love should then be revealed and shown through my words and actions.

Do my words sing with the love that I say is in my heart?

What do my words say about what is truly going on in my heart?

That’s a challenge to me. I certainly daily make mistakes. At times my words can be too harsh – especially to my family or when I feel particularly ill or get very tired. But I do want to do better, I can always be more positive, patient & understanding, even when exhausted and in pain.

Maybe we could take some time to consider that this week. Try and listen to what you say. Think about why you speak like you do.

You never know, you might discover that too many of your own words are negative, critical and hurtful. We all have ways we can improve in our communication with others. We can all be more kind and understanding. We can think more about how we can treat others as we would want to be treated.

What do your words reveal about your heart?

“What you say flows from what is in your heart.” – Luke 6:45

“Be generous with your time and your resources and with giving credit and, especially, with your words. It’s so much easier to be a critic than a celebrator. Always remember there is a human being on the other end of every exchange.” – Maria Popova

*Verses from the Bible

God & Spirituality, Spinal CSF Leak, Suffering & Grief

‘Why Me?’ The Soul Destroying Question

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We all know that life is full of good and hard times. All of us have experienced wonderful moments and very difficult seasons.

Why is it that we rarely ask the question ‘why me?’ for the good parts of life. I rarely think about why I was so privileged to be born into a middle class British family, rather than to a young prostitute, in abject poverty, in the slums of Mumbai. Or why I got to be born healthy with all my body parts as they should be, unlike others who were born disabled.

Yet when hardship and tragedy strikes, these questions often come into our heads and take room in our thoughts.

Why me?
Why us?
Why this?
Why now?

For you, it might be a question asked in your own mind that you simply send out into the unknown. A question that asks why are we all here and what is this life about anyway.

Perhaps it’s a scream from inside stemming from comparison. Why did this happen to me and not them? It’s not fair! I am a better person than them and do more to help others and yet they are fine and I am stuck with this.

Or for those of us who know God, it can be a cry from deep within us – why did this have to happen? I don’t understand! Why should I have to suffer like this? Why should anyone have to suffer? Is it not within God’s power to prevent this? I thought he was supposed to be good!

The questions cause us to have to consider our life, beliefs, perspective and the world more deeply. They can draw us into impossible and exhausting mental gymnastics as we try and work out the intricacies of predestination, fate, acts of good or evil and whether things in life do all happen for a reason, or are purely a random set of circumstances.

But I have learnt the ‘why me’ questions don’t get me anywhere. And they naturally lead to the ‘why not me’ anyway. It’s then just a never-ending cycle of questions that wears us out.

I still believe in and love God deeply. But my accident and ongoing debilitating CSF leak/ Low Pressure Syndrome have naturally raised questions linked to my faith. This has, at times, been a difficult journey of wrestling with the unknowns and uncertainties, considering different answers and perspectives, learning new things, but then ultimately letting go of the need to know and accepting where I am at today.

In the end what has happened, has happened.
We cannot change the past – all we can do is learn from it and move forward.
Whatever that moving forward may look like.

There is undeniably pain and suffering in the world. Whatever you believe, you cannot deny that fact. So perhaps the question should not so much be;

Why is this happening?

Which we can never completely answer and can rarely control – unless our problems are self inflicted and/ or could be self resolved.

But instead perhaps we need to change the question to focus on;

What can I DO with my suffering?

It shifts the focus from getting lost in the complexities of unanswerable questions and things we cannot currently change and puts the focus back onto what we do have more control over.

Our RESPONSE to suffering.

Can I still find meaning and purpose here?

“Suffering can be what economists call a “frozen asset.” It may not look remotely like an asset at the time, but gradually we can find meaning in it, an enduring meaning that will help to transform the pain.” – Philip Yancey

Continue reading ‘Why Me?’ The Soul Destroying Question →

Spinal CSF Leak, Suffering & Grief

Choosing To Let Go…

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“Today is mine. Tomorrow is none of my business. If I peer anxiously into the fog of the future, I will strain my spiritual eyes so that I will not see clearly what is required of me now.” – Elisabeth Elliot

That is the lesson I am trying to live out every day at the moment. To embrace each day as a gift. I am who I am and can only do what I can do in this moment.

If I am always waiting till tomorrow, I will not fully embrace today.

I have been unwell for 2 years from a spinal CSF leak. Every day of that 2 years I have felt unwell. Some days more than others. But each day is full of challenge.

I never imagined how hard it is to live like this. How deep you have to keep digging to stay sane. It is definitely one of those things you can only fully understand once you have experienced it.

It’s tough.
Every day is a battle of sorts.
Some days we have to fight harder than others.
Persevering can just be so very exhausting.
There are moments it’s hard to muster up the strength to face the new day.

But what choice do we have other than to keep on taking hold of each new day and finding the opportunities here?

Some days are exhausting.
Others go that bit more smoothly.
Some are just plain tough.
Others have such beautiful moments within them.

But whatever the day brings I have to keep on walking forwards. Placing one foot in front of the other. Accepting the limitations whilst refusing to let them take me over.

If I am always waiting till tomorrow, I will not fully embrace today.

A big lesson I have had to learn is the ability to LET GO. Everyone reaches a stage on their journey with chronic illness or any other long term trial in life where you have to accept your current reality, let go of your old ‘normal’ life and choose to make the most of your life and what it looks like HERE today.

We can still hope for a better future, but not at the expense of living today.

Letting go is not an easy process. It’s a bit like grief – you can go through various stages to reach that point of acceptance. It is often painful. It’s choosing to say goodbye to who you once were and accepting the reality of who you are now. Not knowing when and if things will improve.

It’s the day you decide that you have to keep living within the uncertainties, the limbo and make the most of the reality in front of you now.

It’s choosing to keep going whatever barriers are thrown up before you. To get up when you fall down and to gather up the pieces when you feel broken again and again. To choose to keep on living.

It’s a letting go of the old to discover and embrace the new.

My faith helps a lot with the process of letting go. Over the years I have learnt the daily discipline of surrender, of saying to God – I am letting go of my life and future, please take control because I can’t do this alone. It is allowing His love to be my strength in weakness, my peace in the midst of the storm and allowing my struggles to develop in me more compassion and love towards those around me.

This process helps to keep my heart tender towards others rather than my heart becoming increasingly hard. It’s about keeping my perspective right so that negativity, bitterness or blame don’t take root and destroy me. A daily reminder to keep believing that good and positive things can come out of times of pain. A decision to look outside of myself each day to see what what I can still do here. To remember that there are plenty of others walking a similar or even more difficult journey than me. People I can encourage and walk alongside. Taking hold of new opportunities even within the difficulties.

choosing-to-let-go-copy

There is a freedom that comes in letting go of the things we can’t change and choosing to take control of the things we can.

So each day I have to choose to let go of yesterday and the unknowns of tomorrow. I have to see what I can do today and embrace it. Not comparing it to what I used to be able to do or what others around me can do. If I look around me I will often see those who continue in their ‘normal lives’, and I can forget the many for whom – like me – their old normal is becoming a distant memory. The ones that choose to stand up, amidst the pain, to face another day and to craft out a new normal.

A normal that although perhaps tainted by brokenness, cracks and wounds that might still feel quite raw, has the potential to be even more beautiful that what went before. Because we now know how to just about weather the never ending storm and LET GO in the midst of it. To craft out new meaning and purpose that has to go so much deeper than ever before.

We have to fix our eyes on our own path whilst doing what we can to help, support and walk alongside others as well. We can walk our unique paths – with others – whilst not getting distracted or fixated on the differences between us. Instead we can choose to support one another and learn from what is similar and what is different. Celebrating the good times and weeping over the hard times together.

One thing this journey has taught me is that..

  • once you know what it feels like to reach the utter end of yourself
  • once you have felt the pain of wanting to give up and escape this life and it’s seemingly never ending battles
  • when you have watched your life be thrown up in the air and fall into pieces on the floor around you

…your heart becomes more tender to feel others pain too.

You can then reach out to another and together you can find a way to LET GO in the midst of the storm. We can embrace who we can be and what we can do today rather than always waiting for the storm to clear.

So each day I will do the best I can to embrace the here and now regardless of the unknowns, uncertainties and future battles. With the resolve to be the best and do the best I can in the midst of all the limitations.

And just let go of the rest.

“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time…”
– Reinhold Niebuhr

To read more about my story of living with a chronic spinal CSF Leak click here.

Here is a brilliant 2 min animation about Spinal CSF leaks.

For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org.

Breaking Free, Spinal CSF Leak, Suffering & Grief

The Shame of Chronic Illness and Pain

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‘Shame derives its power from being unspeakable…. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to whither.” – Brene Brown

Over the summer I read Brene Brown’s fabulous book ‘Daring Greatly’. The book follows on from her famous TEDTalk on vulnerability that had previously inspired me to write this blog post on the power of vulnerability.

The full title of the book is ‘Daring Greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent and lead.’ It encourages us to dare to be honest about who we really are, rather than trying to hide our weakness. It teaches that vulnerability helps us to live more ‘wholeheartedly’, connect more with others and that it helps us to overcome the destructive burden of ‘shame’ we all carry.

Her book really got me thinking about this concept of shame. 
It is not something we often think about.

I have been part of the Christian church all my life so I am used to hearing the word shame. We believe it is something destructive that we can overcome and that the grace provided by Jesus’ death and resurrection can break us free from its grasp.

And yet, this book caused me to really reflect on shame; what it is and what it really means. It inspired me to consider these questions;

Where does shame have a hold on my life?
How does shame effect my thoughts and actions?
How might shame be damaging my wellbeing & relationships?

shame-quote-2

What is shame?

Words we often connect or use interchangeably with shame are words like: embarrassed or humiliated. It can manifest as feelings of inadequacy, guilt or regret. It’s something we often hide and cover up. We might self medicate to avoid thinking about it. We dread people seeing it.

And yet although shame is often seen as one and the same as guilt, I have come to see that there is a distinctive difference.

One of the main differences between shame & guilt is that guilt is the feeling of embarrassment or regret about something YOU HAVE DONE WRONG. We can feel shame, on the other hand, even when we have NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG.

Shame is more connected to who WE ARE and how OTHERS PERCEIVE US.

“It’s a painful feeling about how we appear to others (and to ourselves) and doesn’t necessarily depend on our having done anything.” – Joseph Burgo

The more I thought about shame and how it manifests in my life, the more I became aware that it is intrinsically linked to the struggles I face at the moment. I began to see how shame had got a hold on me and particularly how it has effected me over the past year or so.

Finally I began to see and recognise that;

I FEEL ASHAMED THAT I AM BATTLING A CHRONIC ILLNESS!

There we go I have said it. It’s out in the open…

I feel ashamed that I am ill.
I feel ashamed that it has gone on so long.
I feel ashamed that I can’t seem to get well.
I feel ashamed that I cannot work and be busy like I used to.

I feel embarrassed to be sick!

shame-copy

When I decided to speak up and write about feeling ashamed of being ill, it led me to google the words; ‘the shame of chronic illness.’ Through that search I found two insightful blog posts by a lady called Angelika Byczkowski in which she shares something of her battles with the chronic connective tissue disorder – Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS).

She writes so beautifully about the humbling journey those with chronic illness and pain are forced to take;

“When I recently read the phrase, “I’m embarrassed to be sick,” it made my stomach clench and my breath catch. That’s exactly what I’ve been feeling….. I am ashamed of being sick….
…. If all the people not yet affected by chronic illness acknowledged all the undeserved pain in this world, they would be forced to confront their own vulnerability to the same forces. Instead, we all prefer to believe we have the power to prevent such disasters in our own lives. Sometimes I even catch myself thinking, “If you’re so smart, why did you let this happen to you?”

Those words were so revealing to my own heart. I have begun to see that I feel like a ‘failure’ for being sick. I feel like – ‘if I was only a bit stronger or wiser, made better choices, if only a bit more positive, if only I had more faith …. surely I could have overcome this sooner?’

Such thoughts often taunt me and drag me into a dark and negative pattern, which was particularly bad at Christmas, where I blame myself and feel responsible for still being ill.

It’s so humiliating to be so unwell and in pain long term.

Angelica highlights this so beautifully in another post called ‘The subtle arrogance of good health’. She writes about how many of us have fallen for the trap we set ourselves, because before we got ill we carried a form of arrogance at being healthy .

“My attitude was the typical thoughtless “arrogance of good health,” the attitude of those who can’t even imagine what happens when a body stops functioning properly. This arrogance knows only the kind of pain that heals, the kind of sickness that is cured.”

As I read those words I too knew it was talking about me. Before I got ill, I had carried the ‘arrogance of good health.’ I had believed that I was strong enough to shake it off when others couldn’t, because that was all I knew.

I was not the ‘type’ who would succumb to its chains. I was always so healthy and surely I could overcome anything thrown at me right? Surely my faith and positive mindset would win?

And then one day in January 2015 I fell off a step ladder and entered the world of chronic invisible illness and pain. I acquired a debilitating spinal CSF leak and brain injury that I haven’t YET overcome. I have been unwell for 20 months. Each and everyday I battle through chronic pain, physical & mental fatigue, a foggy brain, barriers to treatment and the challenges of not ‘being able’ to heal up, get well and get free.

And honestly,
I feel ashamed on so many levels!!

I feel ashamed that I have now become one of those people with ‘chronic pain’ and ‘chronic illness.’

I actually hate using the word ‘chronic’ at all! (Which is revealing of the sterotypes I accepted before).

I feel ashamed to tell you that I feel weaker than I ever imagined possible; physically, mentally and spiritually.

I feel ashamed that my ‘old’ positivity has taken a massive hit and most days I battle overwhelming feelings of despair at the thought of not getting better.

I feel ashamed that I broke down mentally at Christmas, exhausted and with nothing left for the fight, and seriously considered ending my life. I feel ashamed that the same ‘selfish’ thought has returned at times since then, although thankfully not to the same depth.

“In my view, suicide is not really a wish for life to end.’
What is it then?’
It is the only way a powerless person can find to make everybody else look away from his shame. The wish is not to die, but to hide.”– Orson Scott Card

I feel ashamed every time I have to update people on where I am at, and that I have to tell them I am still not well, it’s got worse and it is not yet over.

I feel ashamed when I can’t tell you that I have finished the fight, overcome, won and beaten this dreadful condition.

I feel ashamed that I cannot yet testify to the fact that I am now fully healed and whole, even though I believe in a loving creator God and Father who can do the impossible.

“O my God, I trust in You; Let me not be ashamed;” Psalms‬ ‭25:2‬ – The Bible

I feel ashamed telling doctors that I can’t seem to get better and hope that they will see past the ‘chronic pain’ patient with the unusual condition and know that it’s not ‘all in my head’ so that I can continue to get treatment.

I feel ashamed when the scans are clear and don’t show any evidence of a CSF leak, when the treatment I receive doesn’t ‘fix’ me or when my symptoms don’t always fit with the diagnosis.

Each day this drags on the shame gets worse.
Each day the shame is becoming almost as much of a burden as the illness itself.
Each day the shame is debilitating me and making me feel small.
Each day the shame is robbing me of my voice and tempting me to retreat from the world.

And it has to stop!

I HAVE TO BREAK FREE!shame-quote-copy

So today I am making the ‘unspeakable’ speakable; for myself and the multitudes who also travel the dark road of chronic illness and pain.

I am speaking out my shame so that it can no longer chain me up with its lies. I am choosing to acknowledge the space it has taken up in my thoughts; so that we can tear down its strongholds together.

Today I chose vulnerability; to speak the unspoken, so that you and I won’t have to suffer again in silence.

Today I choose to fight shame so that even though this condition taunts me daily, trying to persuade me I can never be free; it doesn’t have to define everything I am, do, and my relationships with those around me.

So today, whether you are battling chronic illness and pain or know someone who is; I pray that together we can tear down the ‘chronic pain’ stereotypes that perhaps we also once secretly adhered to ourselves, and no longer allow it’s shame to rule our and others lives.

“If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to whither.” – Brene Brown

What do you feel ashamed of? We all carry shame in some form. Please feel free to comment below – if we can speak it then perhaps together we can beat it!

UPDATE: Please note that in August 2020 I was also diagnosed with arachnoiditis as well as a spinal CSF Leak – I now have radiological evidence to support both those diagnosis. To read more about the new diagnosis please see this link.

Here is my new summary video of my whole medical journey https://youtu.be/cKECz_fCnFw as well as footage of my January/ February 2021 adhesive arachnoiditis relapse/ flare and treatment with IV Steroids. To see my daily video diaries from this time please see my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9ZkCy9B_IpeaGrXd0CEgow

I have now written a follow up post to this one titled ‘Grapping With The Shame Having A Rare Invisible Illness‘.

For more posts about my story of living with a spinal CSF Leak please look at the subject heading on the menu bar above.

Here is a brilliant 2 min animation about Spinal CSF leaks.

For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org.

Here is the link again to Dr Carroll’s video.

Family

The Power of Love

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“Make love your goal”
Frankie Goes To Hollywood ‘The Power of Love.’

“Let love be your highest goal”
The Bible

Nothing touches us deep inside like true love. I cannot imagine my life without it – love makes us feel alive. We feel valuable, safe, cared for, connected and content.

I believe that love is the greatest and most powerful of all human emotions. The passion of love is a driving force in our lives. We love our families, we fall in love with another and we know the love of friends. Many are searching for it, some wonder if they have truly found it. To love and to be loved is one of our greatest joys in life and something that we all long for.

“You do something to me.
Something deep inside…
You do something to me
Somewhere deep inside.”
Paul Weller

I love these lyrics by Paul Weller. I think they explain what love can feel like so well. You know that you have encountered love when another person connects with you deeply. What they say or who they are does ‘something, somewhere deep inside’ of us. It moves us. We can’t always explain it or understand it, it isn’t just simply an attraction or the fact they make you feel good. You feel a deep connection to them – an intensity deep in your heart.

Over the years I have learnt that we feel love most when we love others. Yes, another’s love for us touches us deeply too, but we feel love most when WE LOVE. Sometimes I think we can convince ourselves that we feel love most when we are loved more. However, I believe that when the focus is on us, we actually feel love less. The passion and feelings of love come from OUR LOVE for someone else.

This is perhaps seen most beautifully when parents love their newborn children. That baby is not yet old enough to understand how to show us love, and yet we usually feel utterly overwhelmed and consumed by love. It is not because they enter into the world loving us, it is because WE LOVE THEM.

Love is like an energy
Rushing in, rushing inside of me.
– Frankie Goes To Hollywood ‘The Power Of Love.’

Love IS like an energy, a blazing fire within us that wants to be with that other person, to love and protect them, to care for and help them. It chooses to see the best in others.

The problem is if we wait to be loved FIRST we may never feel love. This is because love is always something that has to be given before it can be received. We cannot receive something that has not already been given.

Love is always bestowed as a gift – freely, willingly and without expectation. We don’t love to be loved; we love to love. -Leo Buscaglia

This is one of the main problems in the world today. People are so very scared of getting hurt that they fear ‘giving love’ in case it is not reciprocated. They fear giving a deep part of themselves to then find that it has been trampled upon. Such is the world today – people are unsurprisingly suspicious of one another; there is little trust left. Love has been watered down to a fuzzy feeling and feelings can change with the wind.

However, the strongest relationships that have the potential to last the test of time are characterised by people choosing to bestow love as a gift. They love to love, not to receive love. This is when love is given in an atmosphere of grace. Grace gives EVEN when we don’t deserve it. True love is unconditional and selfless. It chooses to stay the long hall and gives up its own rights for another.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. The Bible **

What a challenge.

Do we really love like this?

It involves sacrifice.
It requires endurance.
It chooses to never give up.

And so the journey of love is not easy as I write about here. Love is not the fairy tale we are sold. Love must walk through many challenges. It leaves us open to hurt. Many of us have felt the pain of a broken heart when we loved and the other person walked away. That is one of the reasons our world is full of hate.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Love is daring. It takes risks. It does leave us vulnerable and open, because love is only love when it reaches out and touches deeply. That means there is always a chance that we might get hurt. However, what should we then do – say that we will never love again in order to protect ourselves? But if we never love again, we will not feel or enjoy the intensity of love again either.

Heart collection

There are a lot of things that touch me deeply inside my heart. Over the years I have developed a tender heart that feels love a lot. I have found the more you love, the more you feel love. I have decided to ‘make love my highest goal’ and to spread the aroma of love around – wherever I can, whenever I can, to whoever I can – because there is far too much negativity, criticism and hate in this world.

I want to be known as a person who ‘loved’. Someone that ‘touches others deeply’ because I dared to give love as a gift, unconditionally, whatever the response.

Yes, that does make me vulnerable (and I will always need wisdom to guard my heart so that I am not pulled into foolishness). Choosing to love is risky and I will sometimes find that my love is not reciprocated or it is even betrayed.

And it WILL hurt! 

But I know a love more powerful than all other kinds of love, a love that will always cover over and heal my hurts. A love that is patient and kind, keeps no record of wrongs and never gives up on me – even when I mess up. It’s a love that touches me deep inside, like nothing else. With it’s beautiful, powerful, pure, unconditional nature. It lives within me ‘like an energy’ and flows out of me to others (if I let it). It is the love of Jesus – love in it’s most powerful form – because it is a love that models giving and sacrifice, a love that never fails and always endures.

It’s a love that is all powerful, all consuming and yet tender and full of grace.

It’s this love that shows me what love truly is. It makes it possible for me to keep on loving, even when it feels like I am getting little back. It drives me, gives me energy and helps me to love and respect others and see their needs as well as my own. All because that love found me first.

That is a love that I can ‘make my goal.’

When I felt suicidal at Christmas following an extremely difficult year of illness and felt unable to endure any more, I wrote the card pictured below to my husband and kids telling them how much I loved them. And as I read through the words… “Love bears ALL things, believes ALL things, hopes ALL things and endures ALL things..” they pierced my heart.

Love wouldn’t give up – love couldn’t give up. It had to keep on going, search for renewed hope and believe that things would get better. 

That is the power of love. 

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Even amidst this very difficult season of my life, I’ve had to learn – even when I can’t do other things – I can still love and receive love. I can know that I am loved and allow that love to fill me again so it can flow through me to others – even when I feel completely broken.

Surely if that is the ‘highest goal’ and purpose of our lives then that is all we need.

So I hope I will always choose this way of love, even when it leaves me vulnerable, even when I have to endure. Because true love is more powerful and more incredible than we ever imagined.

And it is definitely worth living for. 

*Verse from 1 Corinthians 14:1 in the NLT translation of the Bible

** Verses from 1 Corinthians 14:4-7 in the NLT translation of the Bible

God & Spirituality, Identity, Spinal CSF Leak

Learning To BE

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Walk with me
Let’s forget the what-might-be
And slow to now.
– Speak Brother (Slow to Now)

These beautiful lyrics are a reminder that we sometimes have to slow down enough to live in THIS moment. To not let life rush us by. To make the most of every experience and to enjoy sharing those moments with others. Forgetting the ‘what-might-be’s’ and learning instead how to ‘slow to now’ so that we can be fully present;

Today
Now
In this moment.

The challenge of learning to BE, is just that. It’s about being present now, today; whatever today may bring. To not be defined by what we do or the titles we own.

Instead it’s about being:

ME, simply me, NOW.

This is probably one of the main lessons I have been learning over the last 18 months.

To be fully present TODAY, not distracted by fighting the limitations I currently face or the unknowns of tomorrow. But instead choosing to embrace THIS MOMENT and making the most of the opportunities I have HERE.

It’s not been easy. In fact, I have probably found it harder than any other point in my life. Because when you are dealing with difficult circumstances it is so easy to miss the wonder of the small things that still surround us. And yet, I have set out to learn and change for the better. To learn how to ‘let go’ of the unknowns, even when it’s so hard and when the future can seem so uncertain.

It’s a journey.
I am still learning.
I face the daily battles everyone else faces in their minds. (Particularly those of us fighting serious/ chronic illness or other turbulent circumstances).

And yet I hope that in sharing what I am still learning that we might learn together and in that way my journey might just help someone else.

Learning to Be copy

So how do we learn to BE?
It all sounds deep, but what does it really mean?

LETTING GO

Recently I have learnt a lot about the need to ‘let go’. To realise that there is so much I can’t control that I can only let go of. To choose not to allow worry and anxiety to take over and constantly dictate my mood and behaviour, overshadowing all I do.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own. – Matthew 6:34*

Worry and anxiety are usually caught up in our fears of the future and the ‘what if’s’. When we allow them to take over our thoughts they pull us to a place where we feel out of control and where the future feels beyond what we can cope with. That is what happened to me during the dark days at Christmas 2015 that I write about in ‘Breaking Through the Darkness.’

Letting go is often challenging, because you feel like you are letting go of everything you can’t control one minute only to find yourself taking it back the next. It actually takes learning new disciplines of the mind to learn to replace negative thoughts and learn how to redirect them.

It can often feel like an exhausting battle. But I do believe it is possible to find ways to replace negativity with positive thoughts and perspective.

On a practical level, deep breathing & relaxation can be a good outward form of letting go that can sometimes help us to deal with the inner things. The physical action of breathing in deeply then breathing out slowly can help us to let go of some of the tension and anxiety in our bodies.

BEING GRATEFUL AND THANKFUL

“It is not happiness that makes you grateful. It’s gratefulness that makes you happy.” – David Steindl-Rast

These words are from David Steindl-Rast’s TED talk; ‘Want to be happy? Be grateful’. He talks about how we can learn to be grateful in EVERY given moment. It’s about a thankful perspective; CHOOSING TO SEE what we DO have instead of focusing on what we DON’T.

This is so important. Especially when we are dealing with difficulties in our lives. The storms in life have a tendency to pull us into them so that we can’t always see what we DO still have and the things that we CAN still be grateful for.

For me, gratefulness is often directed towards God. I daily try to thank Him for all the wonderful things in my life. We can learn to develop a daily habit of being thankful – practically we can write things down, pray about them or just choosing to focus our thoughts on them.

“I think that many times we let what should be extremely special to us—things we should be extremely grateful for—become too commonplace”. – Joyce Meyer

LEARNING TO SEE WHAT IS AROUND US

Learning to BE allows us to open our eyes to SEE more of the wonder of the world around us. To notice the beauty of nature and the joys of human relationship. We can become more aware of our surroundings. Taking time to look more deeply and discover new things.

I have walked a lot in our local area over the past few months and discovered so many new places I had never been before. Sometimes there can be beauty all around us but we miss it because of our busyness or the distractions in our mind. Some days we need to be intentional about looking to SEE what is ALREADY around us.

REDISCOVERING PURPOSE

I believe that we are all designed to have a purpose; a role in this world that only we can fulfil. Endeavours that help us to feel alive and make our mark on the world. However, ask anyone who has faced having to ‘give up’ what they love to do due to injury, illness or other circumstances and they will probably tell you how hard it’s been.

Our identity is so caught up in ‘what we DO’ that when we can no longer DO those things we can feel purposeless. It feels like our life is of little value anymore.

Scott Dannemiller writes:
“… we are defined by what we do. Our careers. What we produce. It’s the first question asked (of us)…. The implication is that if I am not busy doing something, I am somehow less than. Not worthy. Or at least worth less than those who are producing something.”

I have definitely grappled with this over the past 18 months and wrote about it in Is Busyness A Choice?.

WHO AM I WHEN I CAN’T DO ANYTHING?

It is actually these seasons that draw out the deepest questions about our identity. Who am I really? We have to search for new meaning and purpose because it is not always obvious.

I have had to learn that I am valuable without having to DO anything. I have a place in this world just being me. And whatever the limitations are, there are still so many things I CAN DO:

  • I can love others.
  • I can hold my family and speak words of love and encouragement to them.
  • I can use my words to encourage and help others going through hard times.
  • I can choose to be grateful for every blessing, big or small and communicate that to others.
  • I can keep enduring through the trial so that we can all learn through it and that those coming behind me can have an easier path.
  • I can broaden my mind by listening to other people’s thoughts and ideas.
  • I can go deeper in my faith by spending time listening to and speaking with God in the quietness and allowing His words to shape my heart, heal my hurts and reignite my hope and purpose.

FINDING PEACE AND REST AMIDST THE STORM

Is it really possible to learn how to find true rest and peace in any moment, even when those moments are stressful?

I believe it is. I write about it in this post.

We can learn to manage our emotions rather than allowing them to manage us. –Joyce Meyer

But I also believe that we have to learn new ways to deal with negative circumstances so that they don’t pull us into a cycle of negative thoughts.

The fact is physical rest is NOT always good for our minds. We DO need to rest and we certainly DO need quietness. But sometimes the silence can be deafening, especially when rest is enforced. This is because rest can cause our minds to go into overdrive. Our thoughts take over and if they are more biased towards the negative, silence can make them worse. (Think of times you couldn’t sleep because your thoughts were ‘so loud’).

So we need to have resources that help us to be still and restful and yet simultaneously focus on more positive things. Music and meditations are good. I also love listening to inspiring talks like TED talks, other people’s stories of trials they have faced, as well as teaching and inspirational messages that encourage my faith. These help me to focus my mind and gain a better perspective through prolonged rest.

Learning to Be be still and know copy

So I am again choosing to ‘learn to Be’. I am not yet fully recovered from my CSF leak journey. Whilst some of the symptoms linger I have no choice but to learn a new way of living in which I cannot DO everything I would like to do.

But instead of fighting this season and getting worn out as I did at Christmas, I have to ‘let it roll’ to a certain extent. Yes, there are many things I can do and can change that will help my situation and I need to celebrate those. But I also have to realise that there are also many I just cannot change myself. So instead of frustration consuming me, I have to learn, each and every day to ‘let go’ of the ‘what may be’s’ and ‘slow to now’ so that I can savour;

Every
Beautiful
Moment
That STILL exists HERE.

Please do comment below and share some of the things you have learned about ‘living in the moment.’ You never know, it might really help someone who is struggling.

You can listen to Speak Brother’s song ‘ Slow to Now’ here.

*Verse from the NIV translation of the Bible.  (The verse in image from Psalm 34:14 is from the NLT translation of the Bible). 

To read more about my story of living with a chronic spinal CSF Leak click here.

Here is a brilliant 2 min animation about Spinal CSF leaks.

For more information about spinal CSF leaks please see the UK charity website at www.csfleak.info or the US charity website at www.spinalcsfleak.org.